coping with self loathing

[paddingtonbear]

Hello there everyone,
Feel like I've just entered an empty room before all the guests arrive ! Frankly I have spent two weeks without having to look at any horrid images and it is all down to having the most loving partner in the world. Low points in my professional life ,and previously in my private life (before my partner came along) had seen me lapse. I hate myself for being tempted back to those images and hate the damage it has done to the "trust" of our relationship. I have vowed never to go back there...AND I WON'T. However I am left with an enormous sense of self loathing and disgust. I do have a "higher self" and I am determined to come back (somewhat cleansed I hope) from all of this via self determinination and some therapy too.....and with love. Well this is me.

[astander]

Hi paddingtonbear. I'm sorry to hear you are having to cope with this. My advice (I am an SO), is that you do not allow yourself those thoughts. If you start hearing the inner voice inside your head tell yourself that you are bad or worthless or whatever other word for what's happened in the past, find some affirmations that you can repeat in your head instead. Have something written down that you can read aloud in a dark moment. Something that's powerful and that you believe in, something that says "I am strong and can overcome this problem. My problems don't define me, my goals for my life are bigger than this." If you are a Christian then there are many verses in the Bible which affirm this.

Don't let the negative thoughts get to you -- you can overcome and to do it I believe you have to get inside your head and defeat the thoughts that bring you down. Good luck and stay strong.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

paddingtonbear

Welcome to TTF.
Thou, you are feeling down about yourself, you need to be encouraged in knowing that you are doing what you need to do to make the changes in your life. Just by you being here is a VERY HUGE FIRST STEP. Us men got ourself in to this problem that we are dealing with. So we need to do what we can to rid ourself from this addiction. I truly believe we can do it. If it is our HEARTS to fix it, then yes we can do it. Not going to be a easy road, or a short one, but YES we can do it. But i feel we cant do it if we are going to allow ourselves to get so down. I am only 31 days free in my recovery. My lady is the love of my life. my rock. my soul mate, my best friend. for me to see how hurt she was because of MY ACTIONS, just tore me up. I never would have thought that just by looking at P,that i could almost lose everything that we have. I hurt her so much, that i allowed myself to get to a very low point, to where i wrote out letters to family members, singed my cars over to her, and left a somewhat will, allowing her to keep everything of mine. I got so low about the pain i cause her, that i planed a way to end my life. And what scares me, is that i almost accomplished it. But thank GOD before i did it, i got a call from my lady, and by what she said, i changed my mind. If i allowed myself to carry on with my plans, i would not be here to say just how good i feel about my life right now. But in order to feel this good, i had to shake myself out of the low feelings and replace it with good feelings. My goals are to make ME a better man.To clean my head and my heart, from all the trash i put in it for the last 30 years. to make us better as a couple, and to show her that yes i can be TRUSTED again. I hope you can get to the HIGHER SELF, that you said you have. by doing so your recovery will go so much smoother. there are going to be days where temptations come in to play, and they may be very strong temptations, but you can still beat this. Just by seeing what it has done to your relationship, and losing trust issues, you have vowed to never go back to it, and that itself is a very good reason to stay as strong as you can, to fight this. Pick yourself up, and get help to make you a better YOU. as you make the needed changes in getting help, you will start feeling so much better abut yourself, and life in general. Your partner will also see the changes you are making, and in return your relationship may come out being stronger than it ever has been. KEEP FIGHTING THIS FIGHT. YOU CAN COME OUT BEING A WINNER IN THIS. And please keep coming here to this site, for support and encouragement. you will feel so much better

[paddingtonbear]

Hello there,
Many many many thanks Astander and In need.......THANKYOU !

[IN NEED OF HELP]

You are very welcome. just keep doing what you need to do to get help. everyone here is hoping for you too have a great recovery

[JenMac]

Hey Paddington!
Welcome to TTF! You have come to a great place for healing, support and encouragement! There are many here who have been exactly where you are and who have moved through it to a better place.
The self loathing is a difficult emotion to deal with. It seems to affect many when they begin to realize the scope of their addiction. In one way, it is a sign of progress, I believe. It shows that you are no longer in denial about your problem, either for yourself or for your partner.
Awareness. Acceptance. Action.
You seem to already be at the action phase and that is important for you to realize that you are indeed ready to move ahead. To begin to put this behind you for good. You can't change what has happened but you can change the future by putting plans in place which will make you feel more in control of yourself and consequently begin to have more self respect.
I am glad you found your way here Paddington! I encourage you to start a journal in the recovery journals thread. I would also encourage you to invite your partner to join us here as she is likely to need support and encouragement too. As an SO myself, I know how alone you can feel in all of this and TTF has been a Godsend to me for the past 9 months.
All the best Paddington! Keep coming back!
Jenn

[paddingtonbear]

Hey, thankyou Jenn,
My partner is already on this site and I am reading positive books too (Susan Jeffers) . The journal idea is a good one and I will , at some point , begin to feel better about opening up within it.....at present I feel very bad about things. This is an excellent site though and I do feel very humbled by everyone's support.

Again , THANKYOU.

Paddington.

[rosie]

Welcome Paddington.

Good luck to you and your SO.

[paddingtonbear]

Bless you Rosie, I don't have any desire to return to those images and don't feel I am "cold turkey" either, just a rather huge sense of self disgust. I can't make any excuses,and I won't, I was clearly addicted and it hurts to know that the hold was so repulsive. However the only way is up and I intend to surface a cleansed and wholesome person. Spirituality is key to this , along with honesty , therapy , improved sense of work ethic , love and this site of course.
I am not going to excuse myself, I do feel as if I am a disgrace and no doubt time and all the above things will lessen this? I do have hope.
Astander , thankyou for your wise words....Iam a different faith to yours though share the same God and have a lot of restored faith in him too.

[Rowlf]

Hi PaddingtonBear,

Welcome to TTF. You're in the right place!

One thing that helps many people here is starting a journal. It can really help to have one place to share your journey so that others in the community can come to know you and support you.

Another thing to do is to actively plan your recovery. Use the TTF planner to reflect on what triggers you into the old behaviour's that you are now putting behind you. What are you going to do instead if those feelings / stresses re-occur? Plan it now. One that works for me is to switch off the computer (usually by just pulling the power) and getting out for a walk / exercise / movement

Good luck and take it one day at a time

Rowlf

ps like the avatar and user name :D