Letting Go's Journal

[Letting Go]

I am new to Through the Flame.org. A few years ago I belonged to a support board for P & MB addiction, but much of the advice I got was conflicting and sometimes not very supportive. I have been going through the last few years with little outside support for my addiction (I do not belong to any face-to-face groups like SA or SAA). I have received some professional counseling, but have mostly been working through my problems with my very supportive and much put upon spouse (who should not have to provide this kind of support for an addicted husband. As a result I have been trying to recover from my addiction by doing a lot of reading and by working on spiritual development, but without the benefit of having a sponsor or a group to help support me.

With this post I am hoping to change this now online (due to various reasons I do not wish to use face-to-face recovery groups, both my wife and our counselor agree BTW). I hope to use this forum to meet with people who are suffering from the same affliction that I am to help support me and keep me accountable; to give me the kind of advice that my wife cannot and should not have to give.

Since this is my first entry of a new journal a bit of background is required. I am in my 40’s and have been married for about 15 years now. Before marriage I used P & MB frequently, but then stopped when I started dating my wife. After about a year of marriage I started using P & MB again (starting gradually, and building up to regular use as the years went by). About 5 years ago my wife found out and I began my first recovery. I read Carnes and several other books. I worked on journaling and spiritual development as well. At first I did real well, but after about 6 months I slipped back into the world of P & MB and once again maintained the habit in secrecy. My daily journaling became weekend journaling, and gradually my marriage became stale as my wife and I became distant from each other.

May 20th, 2009 is my current sobriety date - a year and a half with no major slips (I will discuss what I consider to be my minor slips in a later entry). During this second and current recovery I have been using Mark Laaser’s Faithful & True to assist me with recovery. I went through his book pretty quickly in about two months, and have started going over it again at a more leisurely pace over the last few months. I have also stepped up my journaling and spiritual development again. But most importantly my wife and I have a rule that we must sit down every day and “connect” unless extremely busy schedules prevent us from doing this. Before my second recovery we had grown distant, but now we are mostly “connected” every day, as our marriage has become closer and closer.

The problem that I face now is that our marriage seems to be stuck in recovery mode. I know that I will always be recovering from this addiction, but I would like our marriage to get back to something closer to “normal.” My wife and I went through 90 days of abstinence after my second recovery began. We then made love several more times since then, but due to all the P & MB in the past, I have not been able to fully wrap my mind around the difference between sex as an addiction and normal healthy sex between husband and wife. As a result we have been going through an unintentional bout of abstinence that has lasted for over a year now. This is the crux of my current problem. I will write more about this in later journal entries.

Right now I will end this entry, rather than make it a long monologue, and get back to being with my wife during the holidays. I don’t want to get so obsessed with recovery work, that I neglect my marriage (hey, I have done it before).

Thank you for reading this journal entry. I hope to make daily entries during the holidays (except when family is here the entire day). So I will write more of my background later. I realize that I don’t know any of you, but eventually I would like to meet someone who would be willing to sponsor me on a long-term basis.

Thank you

Letting Go

[JenMac]

Welcome to your new support group Letting Go! You have found a great place to be! TTF has been such an awesome support to both myself and my H who is a recovery PA. We have been here for about 8 months now.
You will receive great support and guidance here. YOu will connect with others who are experiencing what you experience. There is an unbelievable strength that can come with connecting with others and feeling less alone in all of this.
For my H and I, I think we are feeling like we will always be in recovery mode and that, for us, feels healthy and necessary, at least at this point in time. By keeping this in the forefront and by striving for a deeper connection on a continuous basis, it keeps us feeling a bond that ties us together. I find I don't want 'normal' so much any more. We have just lately felt a little more relaxed perhaps but I don't want us to get complacent in any of this. I am however, not referring to intimacy here, just recovery in general.
Not sure if you and your wife have addressed this LG, but there are several couples here who are working on this recovery together, as well as many supportive SOs who would be wonderful support for you wife, if she were to choose to join us. I am sure she would gain from having a support network as well.
Wishing you all the best on your continued recovery LG! It seems like you have made such a great start on your own! So I only hope that this connection will help to bolster your efforts!
All the best,
Jenn

[Letting Go]

Well yesterday was Christmas Eve Eve and my wife and I had a lot of work to get the house ready for company. Life was not made easier because of several complications. As a result I ended up spending more than 3 hours of my life doing extra work that really should not have to have been done at such the last minute. I did not act grumpy or anything, but inside I was grumpy because of this extra work. I wanted to do something for myself; I wanted to work on getting a new computer program installed and working on my computer. So I do this during breaks between working around the house. I thought it was not too much to ask. I finally finish the installation and figuring out how the program works after we finish all the work in the house (around 2AM in the morning). My wife asked me shortly after why I took time out to fiddle with this program? I said it was because I deserved it. Then I realized that this is the same reasoning that I used for acting out: because I deserved it. Hmmmm.

Anyway, today I read briefly from Laaser’s Faithful & True about my mission in life. Laaser cites an example from the movie “Chariots of Fire” where the hero tells his sister that “the Lord made me for China [to be a missionary]. But he also made me fast. When I run, I feel his pleasure. Not to run would be to disappoint God.” Laaser writes that if we are not using our God given talents to do what God wants us to do we feel miserable in our lives until we get onto the right path. Joseph Campbell calls this “following your bliss.” Basically, find something that you’re good at and do it for the right reasons. If you do something only because your good at, but for the wrong reasons then you will still be miserable.

This was important to my addiction because after getting married, I also changed careers to make more money. I was successful at the money making part, but I was miserable. It was also at this time that I returned to P & MB after being sober for over a year since meeting and marrying my wife. I felt bad about the job, my self-esteem was low, and I was always tired. I guess I sort of returned to P & MB as a sort of security blanket. Later, I changed careers again, making less money, but following my bliss. The problem was that I was already entrenched in my P & MB habits again in married life. This affected my marriage and sort of spiraled on from there.

Anyway, it is Christmas Eve now and I want to gets some more reading done on TTF. I also want to make sure that I am present for my wife and family during the holidays.

Thank you


Letting Go

[Letting Go]

JenMac,

Thank you for your reply to my journal. Both my wife and I have been working hard on my recovery and in the past year and a half our marriage has improved immeasurably because of it. Needless to say we really do like this part of recovery. It is just that I sometimes get really frustrated because all of the programming that P & MB has done to my brain. I can’t think straight about certain aspects of my marriage because I keep thinking like an addict. Take my post about the events on Christmas Eve Eve. I did something very small and innocuous, but I did it because I felt that I deserved it. This is the same justification that I used to use to act out. This kind of thinking is ingrained into my personality. So even when I am doing something good for someone else, I have to ask myself, and I doing it for selfish or unselfish reasons?

Thank you again


Letting Go

[JenMac]

LG,
Not trying to downplay or question your thoughts on feeling bad for feeling like you 'deserve' something, but...I am not sure I understand this. Is it because that is what you told yourself when you used P?
I find that for me, and for a lot of people, in particularly women I think, it is healthy to do something just for yourself and just because you deserve to. There are many times when people are too giving or are too busy or are too tired etc. etc. They don't take the time to nurture themselves and if they do they feel guilty for doing so. In my mind it is a good healing tool to fill yourself up with healthy passions to rejuvenate yourself! If you do this purposefully, then you are less likely to resent the drudgery of the everyday expectations life gives us and more inspired to give to others selflessly as well.
I think everyone gets into those busy, stressful times and we often react the way you did. I myself, had a similar day yesterday. The fact that you can recognize it and acknowledge it is indeed a very positive sign. It shows that you are aware of the things you need to work on for yourself!
Jenn

[chasman62]

LG:

I would echo what Jen said. Certainly one of the most common rationalizations for pa is the sense of entitlement to something. The "I deserve it" excuse, but that doesn't mean that one shouldn't ever do something expressly for oneself ever again.

You have to be able to strike a balance, one that most people manage will little or no effort whatsoever. After snowblowing the driveway this morning I 'deserved' a sit down with a cup of coffee. Is that wrong? No, of course not. It is simply learning about how not to always have the only thing in the calculus of ones decision making being how does this benefit me and will it cost me anything.

The other point I would make is that becoming a less selfish person is a learning process. All addicts are selfish people, that is the nature of the beast. Unlearning that selfishness takes time and effort....even if your motives for doing selfless things are in effect 'conditioned' or 'expected' behaviors for someone trying to be less selfish, that process of consciously learning to be less self-absorbed is essential for recovery. Bit like learning a foreign language I guess and what my therapist calls 'second level' recovery (first level being cessation of the addictive behavior).

Remember that you are not trying to be perfect....just to get better. When I read your posts I see a lot of cause for optimism.

Keep working at what you are doing as an individual and with your SO.

Welcome to TTF!

Chas

[JenMac]

Thanks Chas! I was coming back to talk about balance as I realized that is what is indeed needed for all of us.
Balance is everything in life! Finding the right balance is important in many, if not all things.
LG! Hope you can continue on in your quest to find that balance! Be gentle and kind to yourself this holiday season!
All the best!
Jenn

[Letting Go]

Not trying to downplay or question your thoughts on feeling bad for feeling like you 'deserve' something, but...I am not sure I understand this. Is it because that is what you told yourself when you used P?

JenMac, this is exactly what I am getting at.

JenMac & Chas,

Thank you for your support and sentiment about me needing to be nice to myself and to achieve balance. However, I probably did a poor job about describing what is going on. The event described was very small and insignificant, but it was the realization that I was doing this action without consciously thinking about the reasons why I really wanted to squeeze this action into a busy day, that was the issue. I did not have a problem with the “I deserve it” reason. I just wanted it to be a conscious decision rather than unconscious.

Almost all of my acting out in the past was controlled through unconscious addictive logic that would occasionally bubble up to the surface of my consciousness where I would actually examine the reasons like a rational human being. I also don’t want my subconscious to be pushing to give myself little rewards while I am neglecting other people in my life at the same time. If I neglect other people (for whatever reason), I want to at least make it a conscious (rather than subconscious) decision that my needs are more important at that point in time.

But both JenMac and Chas are correct that balance is very important and that I should not neglect myself. I do know that in the past I have neglected myself, given myself over for the care of others and then gone off to act out because “I deserved it.”

Thank you all


Letting Go

[Letting Go]

One of the things that has attracted me to the TTF Forums was the intense amount of journals being posted every day. Journaling has been an important part of my recovery in the past and I am learning more about myself, by reading the journals of others. Mell’s journal caught my eye; we seem to be of similar ages, in similar situations, and similar personality types. The Mell’s road journal is so very long I am taking it slowly reading the first couple of pages of posts so far and only spending about 30 minutes reading it. I have found in the past that I can work too hard at recovery and have not time for anything else in life. This may be good at the beginning of my recovery to get me started, but it will guarantee failure if I keep this up for months and months.

Today, I found Mell’s cycle of addiction from his first journal entry to be very familiar to me complete with the building up of confidence to the point of self-deluding arrogance right before a slip. I also found that Mell had difficulty initiating conversations with his wife about his recovery work. I find this to be all too familiar ground that I myself have covered.

Well, I should give you guys a little bit more about my background so that you can know where I am coming from:

I mentioned in my first entry that I was free from any major slips since May 20th, 2009. What then is a minor slip?

**I am fully aware that language can be a trigger for myself, and others. I have taken care to moderate my language. May an administrator forgive and censor me if I fail.**

I think a major slip is when my addict takes over and I intentionally act out in a premeditated, ritualistic fashion. Minor slips, of which I have been guilty of, have not been premeditated, I find myself acting almost unconsciously of my actions when I am tired or stressed out. These minor slips have never involved full-blown P online, but I find my mind sort of unconsciously seeking out the soft kind that saturates everyday life. I am thankful that I have never really craved P in a big way since my recovery began. MB is a different problem for me, I do crave it and have unconsciously acted upon this cravings before. I have always been able to stop myself, and then have confessed these feelings to my spouse. But why does she need to be my accountably partner anyway? That is why I am coming to this forum in the first place.

Well times up. I need to get on with my life. The important thing is that I need to “be present” at all times, and need to learn to “let go” certain feelings that I have had. That is the hard part in my recovery.

Thank you

Letting Go

[Letting Go]

So it is the day after the day after Christmas. We had a great and amazingly relaxing time with family. It was a no stress Christmas. In the past I have been so wound up in my own problems that I have problems just relaxing and being present with my family at Christmas. This was different, I felt much more at peace. Not holiday stressed out.

So I am working on my recovery this morning by reading journal entries from my fellow PAs. I am currently reading from Mell’s road. Today I found this exchange interesting as it also has echoes in my recovery:

From Crisodian

Not only choices, but I've actually posted many times on getting to the root of the addiction. More often than not, that means identifying and addressing one's addiction through self-evaluation. If you don't get to the "why" do you make the choices you make, you can't address how to stop making them or how to make better ones.

Addiction recovery is really all about life change. If we don't work on ourselves while we work on our addiction, are we not destined to go back to the old ways, the old paterns?

Mell’s Response:

Reminds me of a comment made by a sponsor of mine: "Recovery is simple. All you have to do is change everything about yourself"!

At first I just thought that recovery was a matter of self-control. “Just say NO!’ as Nancy Reagan used to say. After a couple slips and relapses I found out that this was not the case. I needed to reflect upon why I do certain actions, figure myself out, and then change who I am. I make progress, I have realizations about myself, but then acting on those realizations is hard. It is difficult to change ingrained habit. My big problem is rooting out all of little actions and habits that I have acquired that have been based upon my self-centeredness.

One of my problems of figuring myself out is in examining my childhood. I had a bad childhood, so I had just written that part of my life out of my personality. In effect I was saying to myself, that my childhood did not matter to me. I am a man now and I am divorcing myself from that old childhood reality that I would rather forget. As some of you may have figured out by now, this did not work out so well. For the past year or so, I have been working on consciously remembering my childhood and trying to figure out how this has effected my adult personality.

Anyway, enough for now. Thank you for reading my journal.

Letting Go