All I want for Christmas.

[JustDoIt.]

Hello again,

This is my second journal, I debated weather or not to make a new journal or stick with the old one. I decided to go with a new one because I am in a bit of a different place right now.

My last journal left off with me cutting off the internet, it did not work as well as the last time I tried that approach. Anyway about the things that have changed, I am out of school and have a job now. I am working my way toward a professional athletic career, it is going well at the moment.

I had a relationship, well had the beginnings of one with a good friend. I basically ended it because of P, I liked her (and still do). I just didnt want her to become someone who had to deal with my problems, I figured she was better off without me. I always figured, in the back of my mind, that I could get myself together then things maybe could work out. Anyway she go back together with an old BF, and now they are engaged.

So that hit me pretty hard. I know the guy she is engaged to, stand up guy, I am happy for both of them. It just brought out these feelings in me, I dont want to push people away forever. I felt the whole situation was a reminder about what I have to do, I need to get myself right.

I am, if you cant already guess, someone who self punishes. If I dont think im good enough, worthy or whatever I will not succeed. I am confident in my ability to beat this thing, afterall I have gone over 100 days w/o P or MB. So I know if I can do that I can go the distance. If I go on with P I know I will never reach my full potential in anything I try because of my self punishing nature (to be prefectly clear, my self punishing is never physical, it is a mental thing where I hinder myself).

When I quit for the longest time everything kinda fell into place, but since then it has been much more difficult. I felt the best about my chances though when I had this journal and the accountability it provided. I am ready to move on with my life, to enter a new stage.

Im 24, male and addicted to P. But I'd like that to change this year.

[hellron]

I know it comes across totally wrong, but "Welcome Back"

I'm pretty-much a self-punisher too, in a cynical self-worth-eroding, self-sabotaging way

Well done on recognising that you want to move on to a new phase/place in your life

The first step on a new journey isn't about moving your foot - it's about making the choice to go somewhere new, or leave somewhere old. It's not actually a journey until you have a destination in mind - it's just aimless wandering.

Pace yourself, be kind to yourself, and you'll get there!

(important disclaimer: I am not a Zen Master - just a guy 12 days into his journey, after aimlessly wandering for 9 years)

- Hellron

[an onymous]

Hi!
You are in a good place to kick the habit. There are many things you can do to quit. I am not a Zen master either but life is getting better since P doesn't control my life on a daily basis anymore. I am in the process of overcoming this, as you ARE. From the day you decided to quit you already started.

100 days is much more that I've ever managed!

Don't punish yourself. I believe to go all the way we must erase self-pity and guilt. They are nothing but noise. And the mind of a P addict is full of noise already.

Journal as much as you can! You will be surprised how many new things come up when you "think in written"!

Take care and safe journey to victory!!!

Love,

F

[Daniel]

JustDoIt,

Welcome back to your latest and hopefully last and most successful effort.

It sounds as though you already know what to do to increase your chances of making it to the maximum so I'll dispense with the free advice and instead heartily encourage you to make the changes necessary and do it swiftly.

There seems to be a lot of increasing pressure to fail once you make a firm committment not to.

The community has seen a lot of new members and a lot of activity (though now a little low around Christmas, etc.), so you'll find the comraderie and accountability you are looking for.

Merry Christmas,

Daniel

[JustDoIt.]

Thank you all!

I like hearing anyone's advice, even if it isnt "new" I think its worth hearing. I've learned in my life there is a difference between knowing and "Knowing". In other areas of my life I hear my coaches or parents say the same things and I catch myself thinking yeah I know but then one day I really understand what it is they are saying. I internalize it and I think man thank goodness they kept beating away at it because I finally really understand.

In my opinion we all are like that to some degree, although I am probably worse than most!

Anyway 2 days in now, pretty calm. I used to be really excited and such but now I am much more tempered. I know temptation will be here sooner or later, i've thought about it and I know what my strategy is. But you never know how you will react until you are there in it. I feel a little nervous, like scared a bit. I've always been very confindent, saying I got this them boom I dont. Now I'm much different, time will tell if this is a good change but I think it is.

Thanks again, look forward to posting soon.

[JustDoIt.]

Sorry it's been a few days, been busy with the holidays and such. It has definetly gotten a step harder. Just quicly checking in. I'll write more soon! Stay strong!

[JustDoIt.]

well day 7, had a relapse today. I dont really get it. Had some winter weather here today and was forced to stay home. What I dont get is I have a plan for these situations and when it happens its like I totally forget. I am very serious about quitting but when I hit that wall I cannot seem to follow my plan. I know through experience that once you get by week 3 these days get far fewer, but during the first second and third week they are frequent.

Anyway I said that if I did relapse I would consider SAA. Anyone out there have any experience with it? Any advice at all?

I'll post again tomorrow, until then stay strong out there, I know how tough it is.

::edit:: Just wanted to say i've been reading a few more journals now, they have been really interesting. I've commented on a few, but mostly just reading. I used to just basically read through my journal and a few others (mostly b/c I wanted to spend as little time online as possible) but I think I was missing out on a lot doing that. I wish I'd read a few of these earlier today.

Anyway thank you to EVERYONE who keeps a journal. I hope to read them all soon.

[Mac]

Welcome back JDI
Sorry to here about your relapse.
You say you have a plan in place, but now you know that plan didn't work. All you can do is revise the plan. When you read through the journals here you will see that no one thing works for everyone and all you can do is keep working at it until you get something in place that works for you.
I myself have not been involved with SAA, but a lot of guys here are. I'm sure you will get some answers back with some helpful guidance. The resourses that are out there for you are only as limited as you make. Grab onto anything that will help.

Good luck
Mac

[mell]

Hey JDI,

I've been in SAA since August of this year. It is a great program.

You can look them up on the web, there are groups in nearly all larger cities. You generally have to call the local chapter and you will get a phone screen, this is just to protect the anonymity of the group.

It is scary to walk into the first meeting, but so worth it. Just to be around other addicts, in a 'safe place' is so helpful.

Good luck to you. If you have any questions regarding SAA, please feel free to PM me.

Wishing you the best.

[JustDoIt.]

Just wanted to get on here and wish everyone a happy new year (even though it's new years eve.) I'll be with family tonight, hope everyone has a great and safe time!

Thanks for the advice mell, I was recently looking at their website. Most meetings are about a 30min drive for me (I live out in the country). I'd be really nervous to go to a meeting.