WayFarerNation's Journal

[WayFarerNation]

Sometimes I get an inspirational idea and wish I wrote it down. I registered for this site over a year ago and I made 5 posts. I had an interesting struggle this morning and I came to this site for comfort not just with P addiction but just to see people dealing with something like this. Your posts just make me feel better.

I read a post I had made in May this year and I questioned whether it was even me. When something like that happens, it's weird. It's hard to remember that as people we are always changing our perspectives.

Part of my problem with starting a journal or making regular posts is that many times I feel the things I write just aren't right. There's something wrong with them. I don't want to hurt myself or someone else. But when I read my own post and it struck me, I realized if it doesn't help anyone else, it will help me. So that's why I'm doing this. I suppose I could just write these notes to myself and not post them online, but some of you are beautiful people and inspire me, so I guess I'll just put myself through this gauntlet.

I've used P and S as an outlet, a reason to live, something to strive for, and to cope with unrelenting stress. Often I think about the dangers of repressing myself, and that only leads my thought pattern into areas not related to P. P is an effect of a much bigger issue. It is hard enough to face something like this.

If I had to really try and nail what it is about P that makes me afraid, it's this: It's not P itself that is the problem, it's the reason I need P that is. My imagination leads me into very frightening places when I think of that.

[rosie]

Hi :) Glad you wrote it out..it is worth it for you, and it's great to see you prioritising yourself over that of others.. I think it is so very crucial to this process. Gotta do this for you, nobody else.

It is so nice to be able to share with others who understand your struggles....

Take care.xxx

[2frustrated]

Insightful. And I think true for most of us.

[paulmor909]

Your right, P and S is a BIG outlet. 2 1/2 months into recovery, it's a BIG change! It still seems very odd. Not looking on the internet anymore for S images, N, or just E stimuli. And that's not even mentioning Hard P and M (the bigger addiction). Than there's the S addiction which you also mention. S is huge for men I feel, it does give meaning and purpose to life. What is a bigger allure to men than woman and physical attraction? But when you take it to extremes like an addiction or Mania, it can cause problems in your life. I used it as a fuel, to be fueled up constantly on P and S. When I looked to my wife I wasnt like a man looking to his wife in normal attraction. She was like the object of my P fantasies or fueled up state of mind! So another part of you is going to fight wanting to quit, it is going to want to keep doing what you always did to reap the "so called" benefits. That's why it's a fight, and can be very hard at times! But recovery I believe is a far better way! The choice between freedom and bondage. Addictions are bondage and make you a slave to them even when you know their wrong, you may choose to do them anyway! But with help, it is VERY possible to recover!

[WayFarerNation]

One of the biggest struggles I've had is with wet dreams. This is something that goes beyond online P addiction. It's like the next thing for me. I've managed to stay away from online P for the past 7 months partly due to my personal circumstances.

I had a wet dream yesterday and it just messed me up. I get these things once every two weeks or so. I try to clear my thoughts and make sure that before I go to bed my mind is pure, but it's tough. When I woke up from my dream I had this depressed feeling that took me over the whole day. These things weaken my resolve and tempt me to let go of my self control.

I think at this point what is truly required is a life of purpose. You don't need to pray before going to bed because your mind just doesn't go there in the first place. Your attention is placed elsewhere.

I quit my job last month and I'm finding myself with more time to think of unproductive things. I'm single and I'm 26, and I am not actively pursuing a relationship.

[WayFarerNation]

I had another wet dream this morning.

These things are happening to me when I choose to sleep in most of the time. They're like mini dreams. What happens to me when I wake up is I start feeling strong temptations to M again. My mind starts a movie reel of sorts of all the past P films I watched, and it's especially difficult to turn off after I've just had a wet dream.

This is super embarrassing to post about. After my wet dream this morning I couldn't control myself and I released again with an image of P in my mind.

[WayFarerNation]

Up to this point I've been doing alright. I get sad sometimes but I'm not visualizing P all the time which is a good thing. My imagination has been going out of control lately and it doesn't involve S but moreso involves my future. I almost feel like this shift of focus might be natural.

[WayFarerNation]

I wanted to post a link to a website I found useful when I joined this site a year ago, and instead I posted an image in my profile that keeps my head straight about what an orgasm is. Sometimes comparing an orgasm to a drug gives me the proper perspective to abstain in a weak moment.

[WayFarerNation]

I had another dream last night. These things are the most frustrating problem for me because I can't control my dreams and sometimes they're not even that vivid or anything. Maybe I'm obsessing over this a little too much but I don't see anybody else mentioning this as a problem who have gone months without M. I can't seem to get beyond two weeks because this happens every time.

The reason it's frustrating is because it's just like you M'd with all the attendant rebalancing of chemicals in your brain.

Also, how ridiculous does this sound? I keep wanting to laugh at myself. Waking up in the morning and looking at stained underwear "Ah man not again! Those DAMN chemicals are out of whack!"

[WayFarerNation]

I've progressed to the point now where, when I have a wet dream, I just don't dwell on it and move on with my day.

I've had some weak moments, and they always appear when I'm not confronting something about myself. Often this has nothing to do with seeing a hot girl or thinking about P material, but more about being in stressful situations that are difficult to face. It helps me to recognize the problem this way because then I know there's something I need to confront about myself, and then I won't feel weak and use fantasy as an outlet.