Hellron's Path

[hellron]

Hi everyone, welcome to my recovery journal

You can read my intro thread if you want to know a bit about me, otherwise I'm just going to braindump

I'm working with the Recovery Nation Workshop to find my way through all of this, and come out the other end alive

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change

Where do you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys?

1 - I feel like I'm actively committed in a way I've never felt before. In previous recovery/management "attempts", it's mostly been forced upon me, rather than an unconditional commitment to change.

For example 'I'm fixing this to save my marriage', or 'I'm sick of being called a liar', or 'I don't want to fight anymore, so I'm going to try to fix all this'

I'm at a different place now. I'm just doing this for me. I don't want my addiction to be actively controlling my life anymore. I want 'me' back. I want to feel again

2 - This one is tough. Previously I've always felt that I don't deserve to get better, or that I'm somehow not worth it - that health and happiness simply isn't something on my list of you-can-have's. The way my addiction manifests also contains a lot of build-in shame and self-loathing which compounds things to an extreme degree. It's made making the ultimate commitment difficult. How could I justify putting it all on the line and doing whatever is necessary to 'beat this', when I had trouble believing I deserved to draw breath?

Once again, I'm at a different place now. I'm just a human, with thoughts, feelings and problems. Like a significant proportion of the other seven-or-so billion people on this dirtball, I've got issues that need to be resolved before i can 'step into the light' and 'just be ok'

3 - It takes what it takes. I'm not going anywhere - I've got the rest of my life to spend with me, after all. I may not move fast enough to prevent divorce, and I may not move fast enough to save or repair relations with my kids, but I'd rather be the tortoise and actually finish the race

B. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't be all surface level here

The text advises to really examine your life and determine what's important.

* If I don't get this under control and move towards being healthy, my kids are going to turn out just like me. This is just unacceptable, and I'd not wish the sorts of internal struggles I've delt with so far (let alone what's coming) on my worst enemy

* I want to be able to look straight in the mirror and not judge myself for where I've been or what I've done in the past. How can I do this when I keep adding to the 'list of crimes' on a near-daily basis?

* I remember myself as once being trustworthy, sincere, dedicated and soft. That version of me feels long-gone. I want him back

* I want to nurture and care for my wife in the way she deserves - not be a constant source of pain, distrust and negativity.

* I want to make something of my life, instead of just leaving a trail of destruction behind me

* I want to respect myself, and know that I've done the best I can.

* Currently, I'm not alive - this is just existence between bouts of hurting people I care about, or hurting myself

* I want to make a difference - maybe even help others get out of the same place I've been

* I want to know what I want, and how to get there. Currently I can't seem to plan more than a few days ahead, and even then my addictive nature kicks in and derails things.

* I want off the rollercoaster of shame/denial/lies

* Because continuing as I am will end up with me dead in a hotel room with a needle in my arm, in jail, or living on a park bench. I cannot allow this to happen

I'm pausing here for now.. will pick this up again shortly

- Hellron

[hellron]

Well, change of plans...

Last night the wife and I were discussing things, and agreed to take on the Couple's Workshop at recoverynation.com together. It felt good to think we'd be working as a team to heal ourselves and each other of everything I've brought to the table...

However, this afternoon she presented me with a letter basically saying she's changed her mind, and now considers our marriage to be over.

She cites the main reasons for her change of mind are that she doesn't think there's anything left to save. My addiction and it's effects have been part of our relationship since right near the start (only a few months in, if I recall correctly), and now she doubts even the good times were anything other than me pretending to be somebody I wasn't, or her just being blinded.

So, Day 2 of my final recovery and moving towards health, and I'm already feeling gutted.

My task for the first stage of the couple's workshop was to write out a laundry list of all of my sexually addictive acts over the years. I'd not started to write it out yet, but I'd been mentally reviewing what I've done in the past, and I was actually quite stunned at the depths I'd sunk to for a 'fix'; the risks I'd taken, the complete disregard for other people's feelings, the lies I'd spun.

Even though I know I was the person doing these things, it's quite stunning to reflect and consider the thought patterns and twisted logic behind a lot of the things I've done.

I was also startled to realise that I'd been acting out in a sexually addictive way since the age of 11, when I first MB'd to my Dad's hidden stash of P one weekend.. and again the next.. and the next.. and the next.

Where the hell did my childhood go, and how did I end up wasting the last 20 years of my life looking for an impossible fix, not processing how I really felt, nor really dealing with anything at all?

I'm feeling shocked, ashamed, and totally alone.

[JenMac]

HI Hellron!
I am sorry you are feeling so alone and 'gutted' right now. It certainly must be a difficult place to be. Perhaps, though, this is truly the bottom you need to experience to make your push for recovery have the strength it requires to move you out of this lifestyle and on to a much more rewarding path.
You have stated that you must do this for yourself first and that is so true. If your wife is certain of her decision, then alone you will be. If she is like many of us, we are up and down all over the place, particularly in the first few months. Whatever is the case for your relationship, it is important that you feel you are doing this for you and your inner self.
By working on yourself, by building your plan, you will be setting yourself on a path you can be proud of in the end. There will be a lot of self discovery and most of it will not be pretty but in the end you will hopefully come out of this a stronger, deeper, more in touch with yourself person. If your wife is still present in your life, she will reap the benefits of that as well.
But in the meantime, you will have a lot of work to do. One step at a time. Sounds trite but is so true really!
Keep plodding ahead Hellron! I am sorry for the change of plans happening but I hope it doesn't change the course for you! My H was very aware of the delicacy of our situation, especially through the first few months, but he continued on and we are in a much better place today.
So keep going Hellron!
Jenn

[hellron]

Thanks, JenMac

You're right in that this is probably the 'hitting rock bottom' that I need. My wife always said "you'll never figure it all out until it's too late, and by then we'll be gone", and I'm afraid she's right on this one..

:/

[hellron]

Wow.. I can really notice how much my addictive side is trying to pull me off-course today.

I'm in a pretty bad place emotionally - lots of feelings coming up that I simply don't know how to process or validate.. my tool-belt is pretty empty, and the only tools I've grown experienced in using to handle emotions are precisely the tools I'm trying to fix :/

I'm aware that my addictive nature is really asserting itself. Throwing so much in front of me, screaming at me to 'pay it off'.. it's insidious!

I've just focussed on reminding myself that this is simply my brain's way of dealing with intense emotional stimulus. I'm not being forced to act or react in any particular way, and that the choices I make now, while facing this head-on, are the most critical ones I'll ever make.

It's not that I'm white-knuckling through this.. 'paying off' the addictive screams is just simply not an option - it's not on the list of choices.

The days of listening to the nagging voice in my head, whispering to me things like ".. what's one more time? It won't matter.. c'mon, say goodbye to me with a final bang" are OVER.

Coach Jon's writings on recoverynation with regards to "the asterisk" in the decision to kick this crap really spoke to me. In all my other 'attempts', it was "dedication, with a clause that if it all got too hard, I could always go back".. the 'going back' was the asterisk.. my escape..

.. and every time, it cost me everything I'd worked towards

This time there's no going back. There's no escape clause, no asterisk, no fine print. I'm doing this, or dying in the attempt.

Now, with that rant out of the way.. THIS SUCKS. Want my brain to just shut the hell up, get out of my way and stop trying to drag me down with this crap. I've got so much else on my plate to deal with, and having my addictive brain throwing me curve-balls, temptations, flashbacks, visuals, dragging my eyes to look around at what I don't want to see... wow. This addiction has such a huge grip on how I operate day-to-day.

Damn this city and it's summer. At least in winter, the ladies are covered up ~X(

[hellron]

Wow.. what a day..

I saw my counsellor today (it's been a few weeks due to unavailability), and let him know what's been going on for me

After discussing all my latest insights and choices, he lead me through an exercise where I ended up mentally face-to-face with my 11 year old self (which is the last I can recall 'me' prior to any addictions)

He asked me what I'd say to my child-self, and immediately my mind went to things such as "DONT DO THAT" and "how could you do this to me?".. after sitting with these unspoken things for a moment, my counsellor asked me what life was like for the 11-year old me.

It was very alone.. very unloved.. isolated and cold.

I then realised that the last thing child-me needed was another voice pointing out how bad or wrong he was - he just needed a hug, a kind voice and someone to nurture him, love him.

What 11-year old me needed to hear was that it wasn't his fault. Despite where I've ended up, my little-boy-self just did the best he could to get through another cold, lonely day. P and MB filled the gaps, allowed him to disconnect from all the negative emotions and somehow pull through it all.

That I ended up here, an addict struggling day-to-day with the most basic of situations, wasn't his fault.

I was sitting there with a stream of tears running down my face, when I realised I could stop hating myself now. I've just done the best I could to get to this place..

... and now the 'best I can do' is to take my little-boy-self by the hand, and show him another way forward; a way with self-nurture, care, and a soft voice, instead of one filled with criticism, loathing and harshness.

[rosie]

It's really brave to face those past traumas. It is really hard to embrace the pain, and to sit with it, and feel it, instead of avoiding. It's really hard to look at yourself...to really look at yourself.

It isn't your fault that you ended up addicted, and it's great to acknowledge that. It's great to acknowledge your choice in choosing not to continue it now that you are able to make that decision.

I found that connecting the dots and understanding how certain behaviours and patterns were initiated is really helpful in the self-growth process, hopefully the connections will continue to flow.

You have taken a huge step and I think it's admirable. Well done.

[hellron]

(kinda day 3, but it's after midnight...)

My wife and I have been talking tonight about finding a way forward for both of us.. perhaps a way to rebuild things afresh and start over..

We've been together for 9 or so years now, and all but a few months right at the start have been under the cloud of my addiction.

I've hurt her a lot, and cost her more than I can ever really understand, acknowledge or own.

I've used up 'my chances' many times over, with constant relapses, hiding, lies and betrayals. As a result my word is worth nothing, and my actions are questioned - and this is rightly so; I've abused her trust in every possible way.

Tonight, she said that she's scared to even consider the possibility that "this time is different", as she's heard that line many times in the past - and it's never been different. The same old cycle of promises-followed-by-betrayal has been too constant.

She's admitted she's allowing the smallest shard of a possibility of a chance of a hope that this time, things really are different, and that she feels really stupid for doing so.

So, a quick message to my wife, if I may be so bold..

Bub, I really admire your bravery in taking the risk. You're an amazing woman, and I look forward to finally being the man you deserve.

[paulmor909]

Well I sure have heard a lot of posts and addicts describing the pain and torment they caused their spouse! I guess I feel fortunate that the consequences for me were just the humiliation and embarrassment of getting caught a few times by my wife. The first time she laughed and sort of humiliated me, the second time more upset, the third time kinds shaking her head and said dont do that around our child. Than on occasion I have heard about it when we get into arguments, like what kind of man would look at disgusting things like that? Since I quit, my wife hasn't even mentioned P which is surprising. Not even during an argument, or when we talked around a topic like P or the S obsession of society! I haven't even been able to tell her that I am quitting that which is the response I have ready if she makes that "men disgusting" comment to me again! So I wonder if she knows and just hasnt said anything. One time she told me months ago she said I know you do that, I've seen you many times. I thought, WHEN? I figured she was making it up, but who knows? I always tried to be VERY sneaky and private. But it's amazing all the feedback I've read about injured spouses almost sounds like that on the level of alcohol/drug addiction or something similar.

[hellron]

[...] all the feedback I've read about injured spouses almost sounds like that on the level of alcohol/drug addiction or something similar.

I'd say the injury to spouses in porn or sex addiction is considerably worse than that of alcoholism or drug addiction.

Spouses don't have to compete with alcohol or drugs for romantic validation or sexual intimacy. You can completely remove alcohol or drugs from the environment and lead an abstinence-based "recovery" that's mostly effective.

The problem is that porn and sex addiction directly impacts upon the addict's ability to love and nurture in a positive healthy way, and this just crushes the relationship like a 10-tonne block being dropped on it.

It can also be a 'silent killer', in that the addiction can play out totally within the addict's mind, even after all access to porn etc. stops.

It's insidious, and eats away at everything from the inside.

That it's veiled by two things that society says is 'normal and ok' (e.g. porn and MB) just makes it all the harder for those unaffected by it to understand