Im trying, i am really trying

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I will say this; I have put my Beautiful lady through so much. Her emotions are up and down. One minute she loves me, and in a few more minutes she can’t stand to be around me. I can not do anything about this, because it is because of me and my actions that are causing her to go through so many emotions at this time. I do try to understand what she is going through, thou I may not always understand, I still try. She is doing her best to go through this problem, and not become an emotional wreck. She says she needs to be strong as she can, because she still needs to be a Mother, and a Grandmother.
(Yes 7 grandkids).

She still has to go thru all this B.S. that I put her through, and get up and go to work, and deal with everyone else’s problem. It has to be tough on her. GOD if I would have only thought about how this would make her feel about what I was doing before I did it. I just don’t know why I done the things I done. But there is no use in dwelling about it. Even thou I caused a big mess in my life, and I destroyed the hearts of the ones that mean more to me than anything else, I too must go on with life. I must, weather I have her support or not, to continue in my quest to overcome the sickness I have within myself I must continue to fight, to battle this PA. .To me I feel I have made good steps towards recovery. 11 days free, and im proud. And I started going to SA classes. It May be a small accomplishment to some, BUT A VERY BIG STEP FOR ME.

One of the main issue my lady has with me is my being on the computer. CANT UNDERSTAND WHY, kidding I know why. Well she sent me a email this morning, and I answered it right away. A few minutes later I got another from her. In all caps she wrote
WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW???? TELL ME. You see by me answering the email right away, she knew I was here sitting in front of the computer. So her mind started wondering. I told her that I am here on this computer, getting my needed fix. My meds, to help me thru my problem. I told her I am here on my new favorite web site, reading about other men who are going through what I am, and seeing what they are doing to help themselves getting past it. I also told her I read LOTS of stories from wives, to see what they are going through, so I would get a better understanding of what I put her through. I told her I need this every morning when I get up. And I need to read a little before I go to sleep at night. A few minutes I get an email back from her. She told me that she is very proud of the fact the she see’s me wanting to get help. She said she wants to ask me how im doing, but she is afraid of what my answer may be. But she was very happy that I told here what I was doing at that moment, and for me to keep her informed. That I tell you made me feel great. I told her I am trying to find out what cause me to have sick thoughts in my mind ever since I was young. I told her I am not trying to make excuses in what I did, but I am trying to just figure out why I have always had, even when I was young had S thoughts, and MB from a very young age.. I am 54 years old, and I have never revealed this to no one. And her I am revealing it to all of you, and I don’t even know you, but yet I kept it from the ones I love.( I love all of you here on the site to, but in a different way ) this is what I told her

OK here it goes, I am just copying and pasting part of the email.


I have had a problem with bad thought in my head all my life. Since I was young. I don’t know if I ever said anything to you before about it, but I truly do believe when I was a child i was molested in a way. Thou it sounds sick, for some reason i always thought it was by my brother. But that just doesn't stick in my mind that it was from him. He never did anything like that to me. The one person that really sticks in my head is my uncle Austin. (HE WAS MARRIED TO MY MOMS SISTER) He would always want to be around me, more so that with anyone else, more than with brother my sister, or all the other cousins that we grew up with. it was always me that he took to the store, or took me other places. I remember him wanting me to sit on his lap. And when I was alone in the back in one of the big sheds my grandma had, he would always come there. And I really don’t remember him coming if I was there with one of my cousins. Always when I was alone but I can not tell you if anything happened. I guess that part of it is blocked. Im not try to make any excuse for what happened to me in my life to cause me to do what i did and hurt the ones I LOVE SO DEARLY.. i am still trying to figure that out. And I may never have the answers. ALL I know I have to change ME to make ME a BETTER PERSON, so that this never happens again. But I can tell you right now I WILL WIN THIS BATTLE. And I know I will have to win this battle even if you are not in my life. I AM GOING TO FIX ME. Sorry to send this to you while you are at work, but I just need to do this.

Well that’s it. I told her. (And all of you) I can’t say it happened to me, but when I was praying for answers this is all that came to m head. I may never know. Maybe this will just give me a little better understanding of how I can fix me, to make me a better person. I never want to hurt anyone again the way I hurt my lady

[JenMac]

HI INOH!
I am impressed by the way you have thrown yourself into your recovery. You have taken steps to seek the help you need to try to put this behind you, you have recognized that what you have done has hurt your SO deeply and are wanting to take the measures necessary to try to heal for yourself and your relationship. That is so very important! I really like how you are throwing yourself into this with both feet! That is what it takes to get past this, a true committment.
I am glad you are finding this site helpful to you! It has been such a godsend to me! There is nothing like sharing your most difficult life challenges with those who are experiencing the same things. There is a certain power here from the people who are encouraging us along the way.
Not sure if you have put a filter on your computer or not, but even though my H felt that he didn't need one to keep him away from P, he put K9 on both of his computers. He said that it was the least he could do to give me some peace of mind, especially in the early days. Perhaps this would ease your SOs mind somewhat too.
Glad to hear that you guys are communicating through this INOH! That communication is crucial all the way through. Understanding what the other is going through, what they are thinking and feeling can only assist in the healing.
Wishing you all the best! Keep going strong!
Jenn
ps. Thank you so much for your kind words in my H's journal! That means a lot to me!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

JENN
thank you very much for reading and replying to my post. and as for what i said about you in macs post, your welcome, it was nothing but the truth. as for the filter, i have not installed it yet. but i did download it. i need to do it when my lady has time to sit here with me, so she can put in the password, so i dont know it. and i never want to know it. i have told her about the filter when we started going thru all this in our life. but she didn't respond. but a few days later she came to me and asked me what was this filter i was talking about. i told her what it was, and i said i am willing to install it, so she dont have to worry about what i am doing on the computer while she is at work.. so of course she said do it. its funny, i told her that the only problem is that if she gets on the computer, and wants to look at recipes if she wanted to know how to cook a chicken a certain way, that if the recipe calls for breast of chicken, she may not get to download it. was hoping i guess for a way out from the filter, but damn she said i can always use someones else computer. so i am going to install it. i from the heart, dont want her stressing about this while she is at work. tho i am determined to never look at P again, i still have so much proving to her that i wont. it is going to be a long hard road i am traveling on, but weather we stay together or not, i will prove to be a man that can be trusted. NO ONE TRULY UNDERSTANDS HOW MUCH IN LOVE I AM WITH MY LADY. WITHOUT HER, I AM NOTHING. to be honest, if she was not in my life the last 11 years, and i really mean this, i would have already died from from my drinking, or i would be in prison.. MY LADY IS A GOD SEND

[Mac]

INOH

Just wanted to jump in on the filter that Jenn suggested.
I put a filter on my computers very early on. It was something that at the time I was a little hesitant to do, but once i did, it was just something concrete that I could give Jenn. It was something that she could believe in and trust, at a time when trust was at a minimum. This will give you a little peace of mind.

I am also very happy to see the steps you are taking. You are making a great start.
Keep it going.

all the best
Mac

[IN NEED OF HELP]

MAC

FROM MY HEART, I SAY THANK YOU.You have gone so far in your recovery, and your words and understanding on the matter, means a great deal to me