Every day is a good day

[Benedict]

I’ve decided give it another go with a new journal. I stopped my previous one mid-October. Went well for a while, but in November I slipped back into PA and most days spent an hour surfing last thing at night. Fooled myself that I could control it, but went out of control. And without any real accountability, there was not a lot of incentive to try to change the behaviour until I got back to that point of feeling so bad about myself, and neglecting important activities.

But the PA was only one part of it, and not really the worst part. Also ate too much, drank too much, struggled with insomnia and regularly stayed up very late reading. Result was chronic tiredness and feeling bad about myself on multiple fronts. I am not even sure the PA is really a more powerful addiction than snacking and zoning out with mindless novels. And relationships have started to suffer again.

When I am really honest, I realize that I have not really stuck to any strategies for behaviour change once I get into the tired and depressed zone. And that has become self-perpetuating due to lack of sleep and feeling bad about myself. Part of the problem is that I really beat myself up when I slip and then give up trying. Need a stronger attitude: fall over three times, get up four times!

I’ve decided to start a new journal for two reasons. Total honesty here is a motivator, and gives me some accountability, since I am doing this on my own. Secondly, some of the PA stories here remind me where I could end up and what I could lose if I don’t change my behaviours and underlying beliefs.

I need to try to find my own integrity and act from it. Way too much turning to books and reading rather than “doing” when I get to these low points. I have never been strong on practice as opposed to theory. But on the other hand, in other areas of life I have stuck with things way more than most people without giving up. Need to find that spirit and apply it to these self-soothing behaviours. Should I make a big change (hit everything at once with major change) or should it be small and incremental?

Lets try significant change on several fronts at once. And stick to it for 21 days then re-evaluate.

1. No solo use of P.
2. Late night: 1 healthy snack, no alcohol, maximum 30 mins reading.
3. Lights out by 12.30 strictly. Wake at 6.45 am.
4. Daily 30 mins on household and family tasks.
5. Post regular updates in this journal on progress.

[lost_one]

hi benedict..

wish you best of luck with your new journal.. hope you keep it clean this time and don't lose hope if you slip again.. your post has also helped me correcting and checking up on my own weaknesses..

[Benedict]

Has not been easy, and caught myself skating late evening several times. Not helped by feeling tired and down, in part because of conflict with SO. Did not help that the conflict was about S (in my down state I interpreted the conflict as us wanting different things and what I wanted was unacceptable and disapproved of). All classic triggers, and only just stayed on the right side of the line. But other bad habits were triggered, and I stayed up very late Monday night (well half way to Tuesday morning) reading, drinking, eating.

I am increasingly seeing that these habits (including PA) are all part of the same reactive pattern and ultimately I need to dig out the roots of that pattern. But much more importantly, right here and now, I need to modify the habitual responses to triggers. Somehow find the gap between urge and action, where the process can be interrupted or modified. Strong practice of mindfulness is what is needed, so there is a habit of attention to these processes. Digging out the roots may take time, no need to wait. Right here-now do it.

[Chaddc]

Benedict, your words are so true, and you really are an inspiration. While reading your posts I realize that we have some of the same issues, some of the same triggers, and that we are all truly in this together. Stay strong, my friend. You are inspirational.

[Benedict]

Doing OK. Getting on well right now with SO and that always helps. Trying to stay mindful when the urges hit, and to simply be present with them. Not needing to act on them, and trying to reframe the belief, still strong, that S is extremely important to me and that i cannot go long without it. Not only P, but also S, ultimately is not actually fulfilling in the absolute sense. Recognizing the essential emptiness of S (and everything else) remains beyond me. I am still mostly stuck in the delusion that satisfying these urges is of utmost importance to my wellbeing. Rationally I know it is not, but I'm not just rational.

[paulmor909]

I felt the same way! After a lifetime of P use and almost a S maniac view on women and sex, I use to say I couldn't go without S long because I would go crazy or even die, lol. I would even become physically affected and wake up in the middle of the night with painful E that wouldn't go away right away. I failed to realize I was feeding the frenzy by constantly thinking about S, watching P, M, sometimes all day or all night even. These images stay in your mind for a long time and have a profound affect on a person. Now in recovery for 2 months I am finding the frenzy can be tamed and turned BACK to a more normal direction. I still love S, I have a good wife who understands me and my needs. But I have found out I can go without S for periods of time. Something I never thought I would do I stopped M about a month ago because both times I did it I just played P scenes in my mind. I am actually living without M, I would have sworn no way before! Searching for that normal prospective is key I think, putting things in priority, having a normal S drive and dealing with it (alone and in relationships). I have to admit after 2 months of recovery, these things have improved DRAMATICALLY! As your recovery progresses with time and effort, I think you will see the same thing will happen to you and you can put S into the same light!

[Benedict]

Feeling a little bad...I relapsed yesterday. Usual triggers. Big argument with SO, handled badly on both sides, consequent sexual rejection, too much alcohol to self-medicate, stayed up late on my own.

I don’t think M or P use is “bad” per se, but I think Paulmor is correct in thinking that PA, and compulsive M entangled with it,has fuelled an obsessive focus of my thoughts on S and fuelled the urges. So a dedicated period, a sesshin if you like, in which I limit the use of P and M, should help to rebalance the mind. So I slightly revise my strategies and set the following rules for a strict time limited practice period:

1. No solo use of P.
2. Max 2 glasses alcohol per day, with norm being 1.
3. Late night: 1 healthy snack, no alcohol, maximum 30 mins reading.
4. Lights out by 12.45 strictly. Wake at 6.45 am for ERP and zazen.
5. Healthy diet and regular daily exercise (one rest day per week).

My objective is not to suppress my sexual nature, which naturally includes interest in and arousal by many women, and at minimum enjoyment of the zing that it gives to life, but rather to accept those feelings and energies without habitual and mindless acting on them (through P or M). To transcend and include those aspects of myself, but to be acting with integrity from my authentic self (big mind) rather than being lost and unconscious in little mind.

Secrecy around use of P fuels the obsession and also the self-disgust, at doing things I am not comfortable being known about. So for this period, rather than suppressing urges, I will be mindful of them, look deeply into them, find the gap between arising of urge and acting on it. If I really want to act, I will do not do it alone and in secret. If S not an appropriate response, and I want to respond to the urge, then M with at least passive involvement of SO or M with use of P in presence of SO. Be more honest about what I want, and have the integrity not to hide it.

I had decided not to count days, to avoid too much focus on P issues. But I think counting helps remind me to stick to challenges. So starting today with day 1, I join Onymous’ challenge to stay PF until 18 January. That will be 35 days PF as defined by my strategies above.

[Charly22]

"Fooled myself that I could control it, but went out of control." A quote from your first post in this journal. It appears that you are still continuing to fool yourself that you can "control" and "moderate"....but in my opinion, you will always hit this wall, with the methods you are trying to use. I believe you think you can moderate...and something is keeping you dissatified with that plan, or you wouldn't be here.


"Has not been easy, and caught myself skating late evening several times. Not helped by feeling tired and down, in part because of conflict with SO. Did not help that the conflict was about S (in my down state I interpreted the conflict as us wanting different things and what I wanted was unacceptable and disapproved of). "

It appears to me that you SO is not pleased with some or all of your "activities". I don't know her thoughts and feelings, but it appears to me that you put your own s needs in front of hers. Don't be fooled just because it may appear to you that she tolerates, and is "ok" with your p viewing. I have to believe in my gut that she is suppressing how it makes her feel. To quote from a SO journal:

"I was the same in the beginning, even though I hated it, i wanted to be a "cool girlfriend" and was somewhat accepting of it (at least on the outside). "

And this was my same foolish behavior too. I can't help but wonder if your SO is truly hurting and holding it all back, afraid of your rejection as well.........

[DudeWaffle]

OK, I'm going to be brutally honest here, and this post will probably get removed by the mods, but maybe you will see it first, Benedict.

You have been here over a year, slightly longer than me, yet have not been able to control your problem for a significant amount of time.

You have right in front of you here the fundamentals of a strategy that DOES work, as evidenced by my success and many others. In fact, I would say that the majority of the PAs posting here DO find success by following these steps.

"Tweaking" the strategy that has failed you for the past year (at least) is NEVER going to work.

1. Tell your SO you are struggling with PA
2. Go celibate (totally) for a period of time to clear your brain of the chemical imbalance your constant thoughts of sex have produced. No P, no MB, no sex with SO. Your SO will probably support you in this.
3. Quit P altogether, forever. Your SO will probably support you in this.
4. Quit MB, at least for the forceeable future. It is too closely linked with P in your mind.
5. Join a 12-step group.

[paulmor909]

Well I guess I dont exactly follow, you said "naturally includes interest in and arousal by many women", but you have a significant other? I dont know about you, but I have concluded that not only am I a P addict, but a S addict as well. I've been one for a long time. I've been involved in other S addictions (like Internet S with real women and other ones I wont mention in the past). I quit that madness when I got married the second time, thank God. But the allure of other women and S things is a trigger for P addiction. One thing if you see a pretty girl, and notice that she is that. But to become aroused and try to control that in regards to your P addiction or even your SO I feel is not a good tool for recovery! The alcohol is another issue, I am a recovered alcoholic/addict since 85 (one relapse in 2000) straight since. But altering my mind I could almost guarantee you I would be risking my recovery. An old practice of mind was cocaine and P, another nasty combination! Anyway this is me but I try to avoid triggering myself, staring at women, letting myself get worked up, even TV, I seen a beauty pageant advertised on a commercial and the half N girls I had to look away from it. You cant run from S or your nature but you can take practical smart steps I think to at least try to help yourself in situations. The temptations and bad days are hard enough, if you make it harder your much more apt to fall! Anyway I'm not trying to get down on you, just suggestions. Whatever you do, dont give up trying!