Im starting too break

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Well usually when I write, I say things are going good. But tonight I think I am at the breaking point. Before I go on with this post, let me say this. I know that it is because of me that things are the way they are between me and my lady. I’m the one that ripped my Ladies heart right out of her chest. I’m the one that crushed so many hopes and dreams that we had planed to do together. I am the one who destroyed her worthiness. I’m the one that made her feel as if she is no longer a woman. I’m the one that threw her self esteem in the trash. I’m the one that makes her cry 24 hours a day. I’m the one that makes her wonder where she went wrong to make me do what I did, when she did nothing at all. I put my Lady through so many emotions in the past week. She dosen’t deserved this at all. NO woman ever deserves to go through any of this. They never would go through this if, US SELF CENTERED NO GOOD SON OF BITCHES WOULD JUST STAY OFF THE PORN SITES. Guys, why in the hell did we put our ladies through all this B.S. Are they not the very same woman we swore that we would give OUR LIFE for? We know they are, BUT YET WE ARE THE ONES THAT KILLED THEM INSIDE. WE ARE THE ONES THAT DESTROYED THAT BEAUTIFUL HEART THAT THEY ALWAYS SHOWED FOR US. WE KILLED EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM. All because we wanted to look at someone that would never give us the time and day in the first place if we were walking down the street and saw them. We are such fools. We are such Asses. We damn near threw away everything that we worked so hard to keep. But you know what, we still don’t know if they are even going to stay with us. How many chances do we deserve? How many more slip ups do we want, and expect them just to say, THAT’S OK BABY, I LOVE YOU. YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE. Shit, you know that is not going to happen. They are tired, they can’t keep going through everything we throw there way. If you was to ask me a week ago what was one of my Lady’s strength, I would tell you that she is a very strong woman. She is a very strong, but because of what I did too her, and what I am putting her through, this woman that I LOVE so very much, is weakening right in front of my eyes. I am a no good piece of shit to do this to her. Guys I don’t mean to sound like a man hater right now, but you know I’m right. If it was turned the other way, you know how us men would feel if they did this to us. You know my lady told me something tonight that I just didn’t want to hear. And because of that I wanted to just say F$%k THIS, and just go back to being the way I was before last week. I was ready to just go out drinking, and just finish doing what I already started. And that was to just give up and just throw everything I have a LOVE so dearly in the trash. But thank GOD I changed my mind and came in here to speak my heart. Guys, I don’t know about you, but I am going to win this fight im going through. I AM NOT GOING TO LOSE THE ONE WOMAN ON THIS EARTH THAT HAS ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN. I am going to fight this fight, and I will be a WINNER. I feel so sick inside for what I put my BEAUTIFUL LADY through. She is my life. She is my rock. She is my best friend. But I destroyed her. I did everything to her, she dose not deserve to see me fly off the handle because she told me something. She didn’t do this to herself. I did it to her. I want to so badly to just go in her room and just let her know how special she is to me, but I destroyed any chance to be able to do so. I know she needs time to heal. They are more hurt than we are. My head is just pounding so badly right now. I just want to know why in the hell did I do this to her. WHY, WHY WHY ? I want my lady back. I want to hold her. I want to prove just how precious she is to me. But I can’t. Because the love she had for me last week, is no longer there

[JenMac]

Hi In need of help!
So sorry you are having to go through these extreme feelings! Unfortunately, it seems to be what happens or has to happen for a PA to want to seek recovery.
The fact that you are feeling all of these things hopefully gives you a strong urge to fight this addiction with everything you've got!
As I said before, once you have committed to fighting this, you will learn so much more about why you need to get away from this soul destroying industry. You will learn not only how this affects your wife and family, but also what it has done to you, not least of which is your self worth.
I hope you will be able to channel these negative feelings into something that will be helpful to you and yours and your dedication to recovery. If you take the steps necessary, you will be showing by your actions that you are serious.
Your wife will be struggling with feelings of grief and sorrow. The depth of these feelings are often surprising to not only you guys, but to us as well.
I have told this story here before but I will repeat it for you.
My H's counsellor explained to him that when I was suffering it was like I was down in a deep hole. He could respond in one of 3 ways. 1. He could crawl down with me and then neither of us could get out. 2. He could walk on by and ignore my situation. 3. He could extend a hand and help to pull me out.
By not losing your senses in all of this, in not becoming completely overwhelmed by guilt and self loathing, you can be helpful to your wife.
My H was so soothing to me throughout a lot of this time, perhaps not so much in the beginning, (because I wasn't ready) but as time went on he helped me tremendously, just by being there for me, by being willing to talk and share, by being physically present with hugs and to hold my hand. He took care of me, he took care of everything.
It doesn't help when we both fall apart. I know this must be very hard for you at this time. I hope you are able to find a strength within yourself because you need to be there for her when she is ready. Strange, though it was my H who hurt me so badly, it was he who I needed, as he was not only my H, but my best friend.
Be there for her as she needs you!
Stay strong!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

JenMac

thank you for the reply. your words are always encouraging to me. i still feel down today but i am doing so much better. i got to get out of here , my daughter is performing in a parade today so i need to go find a good spot. I JUST HAD TO SAY THANKS

I LOVE THIS WEBSITE

[JenMac]

Hope the parade is great! and warmer than here! :D

Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Well things are not getting any better. found out it will be about six thousand dollars for me downing that movie that got me here in the first place. once i told my lady, that was it, she flipped. BUT i dont blame here. im not working right now, just trying to make it with what little unemployment i get every 2 weeks. we was talking this evening, and she truly told me how she felt. she has told me how she felt before in the past few days, but this time she REALLY TOLD ME how she feels. she told me that i put her through so much in the past 10+ years, and she has always tried to find a way to forgive and try to make us work. but she told me tonight that she does not see any way for her to forgive me on this one. SHE SAID, whats next?? what are you going to do next time to top this screw up of yours?. she asked me to do her a favor, and i said sure, what is it?. she said tomorrow can i get the shovel out of the garage. sure i said, why? SHE SAID THAT WAY YOU CAN BURY ME IN THE BACK YARD, BECAUSE YOU REALLY KILLED ME THIS TIME. damn that hurt. but i deserved it. now i put her through so much stress trying to figure out how to pay the lawyer and fines. so in the morning i will be going on the internet to sell my truck, tools, and anything else. should get enough. but now we just sit around and see if i have anymore lawsuits coming my way. so she told me that after we pay this fine, she would like me to please leave, find somewhere else to live, she said we are done, i just hurt her to bad this time for her to recover. she told me just because we are through, dont let that be an excuse for me to go back on those sites. to stay off. the one thing i do know for sure, no matter how long i live on this earth, I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT I LOST THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT HAS LIVE ON IT. felling sorry for myself and getting stressed. i just want to give in, and look. but that is in my head, im just fighting to make sure that desire does not go in to my HEART.
i am 9 days free. and i am damn proud of myself

[castaway16]

Sorry it went that far INOH. But to shed a little ray of hope, Almost every couple I saw on this website were on the verge of a breakdown but they came out more loving later on. I think that whenever you feel weak again, you could think that this may be the last hope for you to gain back her love & trust and to save your relationship.

You CAN do it INOH.