Recovery, Is it even possible?

[lost_one]

hello everybody,

I came across this site accidentally or lets say by chance a week ago and I am very much thankful to the ones who have contributed to this site.

I am 24 now and started watching internet P since I was 15. I have been doing it 5 times a week or sometimes every day n night.. from school.. to uni..n now job.. i was just obsessed with it. I thought it is the safest and best pleasure which is keeping me aside from the cruel world. At least I was right about it but I didn't focus in the long run.. it truly kept me aside from the real world. It affected my attitude.. personality.. relationships.. studies.. my career and to wrap this up.. my whole LIFE..

In a typical day, 24 hours became 10 to 8 hours to me.. cuz most of the time i used to feel dizziness .. I wasn't even aware that this is something very serious and dangerous.

Currently, I am very busy with my jobs n all but still I can take time for this whenever I want.. most of the time I am lonely when at home.. and internet is like always with me through various means.. not even the computer.. but, laptop.. iphone.. cellphone.. etc..

It has been 7 days now that I am in recovery.. however I know I will slip again.. one cannot just hope.. I am reading a book on it called "In The Shadows of Net" which is helping but still I don't know how am I gonna make this..

I truly appreciate any suggestions from the members specially the ones who have been in recovery for longer?


***** Date Added: 27-10-2011 *****

I will never forget how my childhood went... that is before i was 15.. i was innocent and a shy kid.. i was 2 years old when my parents left our country due to so much war and went to this other neighboring country.. my dad was most of the time out of home bcuz of his job.. mom was the only person to take care of us which was not possible for her in those times.. so no proper guidance was there.. i witnessed things like dad beating mom.. bro beating mom.. bro beating me.. and exchange of improper and abusive words between siblings.. i lost my interest in studies and other positive activities even though i was very good at them.. just like other kids i would watch cartoons but also watch soft p on tv or video taps magazines and whatever i found.. i also witnessed death at the age of 13 and 14 twice.. once i got saved from a train while i was standing on the train rails just two steps away from the train.. and the other time i jumped from the back of a running truck.. both these times not because i was committing suicide but because of just being a silly young boy.. soon i became physically weak and mentally very depressed.. these incidents led me to happily embrace the internet p.


***** Date Added: 20-12-2011 *****
The War At Home - 1996 (The movie which represents my life so far)

[paulmor909]

Recovery is very possible! But I suppose like any addiction, it isnt always easy! You have to be ready for it or want it badly enough! But at least you have become curious about recovery and may be identifying that you have a problem! This is a good start. Nobody can quit something unless they first admit they may have a problem! When I was your age, my P addiction was already in full swing, but I wouldn't have admitted or looked at it yet. It took me a bit later in life but I'm coming up on 2 months clean and at times it's been quite a battle. but to answer your question is recovery even possible? Absolutely! take a look at some of the other journals including younger people who have quit and are recovering! It's one day at a time though, sometimes that is difficult enough in itself (dealing with 1 day staying off of P)!

[lost_one]

thank you paulmor909.. Doing my best yet..

I got many urges last night and.. what helped me was chatting to someone about it.. n reading through this forum n some sad music..

but I am wondering.. how would I feel after I do it again the first time after knowing I had stopped this addiction for my remaining life.. I know I will feel so bad that it will make me silent for some time and many more bad effects.. thinking of I don't have any control over myself.. I hope I don't face that.. but then again.. lets see how its gonna be..

[lost_one]

OK day 10, I relapsed..

maybe the trigger was that I said "lets see how its gonna happen".. Oh god.. I'm getting crazy.. Wht the F*#& have I got my self into..

[IN NEED OF HELP]

well it seems like you got yourself in the same mess that all of us here did.......we allowed P to enter our bodies, our minds. then allowed it to go in to our heart. this is not an easy fight buddy. when you fall, pick yourself up right away and start over. one day we all will get this SICK addiction out of our lives for good. but until then, JUST KEEP ON MOVING FORWARD

[lost_one]

hello.....!!! ahh its been a while since I have posted here..anyways.. I should have said that I am not a native English speaker.. so I am sorry for any mistakes..

OK.. I don't know I have to write alot of things here but will try to cut them short..

Joining TTF was just the beginning.. and I continued to read posts n stories by other members for a while and then i got busy in work.. didn't pay much attention on the recovery... and unlike most of u who find this thing good "OK its great that I am not alone in this world" I don't want to be offensive here but not everybody is the same I guess n I don't like that idea and it feels like I have an incurable disease like a cancer or aids..

Since the start of 2011 I tried to quit it by my own without a strong reason or a long term plan.. at first.. recovery was for one month.. and then 2 months.. and then it came back to weekly n sometimes daily basis again.. For the first two times I had two good reasons to quit thats why they lingered a bit longer there but after that it brought me back to the state I call "Go With The Flow"..

During these last 9 months I read many books about recovery.. joined a couple of other supportive boards.. I would read and feel great that I studied it deeply and now I know many things about it.. and on the other hand i would just go to the forums and read about other people stories and fantasies.. now instead of doing something about my problem.. there were stupid ideas which came into my mind.. I would feel ok.. you are not alone and still young than most of them.. carry on with it for a couple of more years.. its the only fun you have.. deal with it later.. but deep down inside I have always hated it so much and knowing the fact is that later never comes unless i do something about it.. and within these 9 months of study and relapses I have learned that the only time I will truly quit this will be when I have a solid reason to quit. Only then I will be able to get out of my "Go with the flow" state..

A good news for me is that I have a reason for this month again.. which is I have to fast all this month due to my faith and belief.. I am already 2 weeks clean.. and its the 3rd day I am fasting now..

I came back here about a week ago and met some real nice and helpful people around here.. I had no idea of coming back here n writing back but because this forum was the first one which brought the awareness into me and due to some sweet persons in here who encouraged me to update my journal..

I need all you lovely supporting members to pray for me so that I can stay away from it for at least this month..

I know this thing is beatable 100% but from my experience.. only with a reason and a proper plan in mind..

I don't know of posting here again.. but if I do.. I will do my best this time to keep it as clean as possible..

[Teemo]

It's good to see you back on TTF. You have done a lot of study and reflection on this problem. You want a life free of addiction. And you know it can be done. It's time to put together a great battle plan. Get all the help you can. Is there someone you can talk to, face-to-face? That has been extremely helpful to me. And there are probably some major changes you will need to make in your daily life. Keep coming here for support.

I know you are not sure this site is right for you. You don't want to have this "incurable illness." Well, I don't want to be here either. I don't want to think of myself that way. But if I don't admit, every day, that I have an addiction, and do what I need to do every day about it, it will consume me. It has done enough damage already. I won't let it take over my life any more.

I hope you are ready to do whatever it takes to fight this thing and win. Stay with us!

[lost_one]

It's good to see you back on TTF. You have done a lot of study and reflection on this problem. You want a life free of addiction. And you know it can be done.... Stay with us!

hi.. thanks for helping.. no there is nobody right now to whom i can talk face to face about this topic.. but I also believe that it would be really helpful to do so.. i do need to remind myself that i have this illness otherwise i would go back as before as i used to think nothing was wrong with me..
right now i am pretty much busy with my work.. fasting.. and meanwhile reading another helpful book on the subject called "treating PA essential tools for recovery"..
with fasting i am feeling stronger.. very much focused and everything is going really well so far.. I also observed something else which is about the food i take.. i believe it also contributes very much to the urges and acting on.. like the spicy food etc.. I read about it somewhere in a medical article in the past but didn't pay much attention to it and now i have experienced it myself..
i do realize this site is also helping me in the process but sometimes i wish it and the rest never existed.. but still life is full of problems.. if it didn't.. there would be something else.. (:

[lost_one]

oh forgot something.. I am feeling more anger and bitterness in my words.. I yell at anyone for small mistakes.. even on my dad which i never want to.. i have felt like this before but just wanted to share here.. not that easy yeah.. but i think it will be ok..

[Charly22]

oh forgot something.. I am feeling more anger and bitterness in my words.. I yell at anyone for small mistakes.. even on my dad which i never want to.. i have felt like this before but just wanted to share here.. not that easy yeah.. but i think it will be ok..

I think this is common experience when stopping any addiction, I know it is in p addiction. I have witnessed it in my husband, along with many other surges of emotions that have been suppressed due to p use. You say you've been reading up on the subject, and I'm sure you've learned that being caught in p addiction numbs your emotions. I hope one of the reasons that you add to your list of reasons to quit, is to be able to feel and experience true life, not one that is numbed and avoided and caught in a vaccuum.

Yet another reason to extend your goal, because each time you go back, and then have to quit again, you will exprience these withdrawals all over again.

I have faith that in time, this anger and bitterness will balance out, if you put the right plan in place, and the right tools to use. I have faith that you will.

Thanks for sharing....