Recovery, Is it even possible?

[lost_one]

hi TTF..

thank you all for the lovable support.. valuable advice.. suggestions.. and much more..

its going to be 7 months in three days now.. i should say this month has been the most easiest one ever.. it might be of many factors.. including cutting off the cable tv.. being busy with work.. regular exercise and staying clean for this long..

this time its me.. no one else.. just me.. handling it with all the power that I have.. taking each day as a challenge..

i should also say that my life is going really well Allahamdulillah.. but i do know things will and may get difficult with time.. but then again i remember this nice quote.. "Prepare for the Worst and Hope for the Best"..

i am sorry for being here most of the time for myself.. and i always think that i should be here at least everyday..

i am thanking everyone in here who have recognized P as a major problem because there are millions unaware of it out there and the number is increasing massively everyday..

one thing more to all the addicts.. who know it as a problem and still relapse.. study this problem go back to the roots where it first came in your life.. work on the puzzle yourself.. make changes in your life.. and do whatever you can to bring the natural hate for the P and MB.. or i guarantee.. you will surely relapse.. even by coming here and writing everyday..

please also keep praying for me.. it means a lot me..

[JenMac]

this time its me.. no one else.. just me.. handling it with all the power that I have.. taking each day as a challenge..

Hey Lost!
Well said my friend! It is YOU! It has always been YOU! You just didn't know it then. But I am so glad that you know it now!
TTF is just a tool my friend, albeit a wonderful, wonderful tool full of wonderful, wonderful people to support and encourage you.
You Lost are an inspiration. You have handled your recovery thus far with grace and style. YOu have lived through the toughest times, and so you know that you are able to continue on this path to healing. If you could live through all of this now, at this toughest time for you, you will no doubt be able to face challenges in the future. Just keep steady on the path Lost and you won't lose your way.
I am so happy for you!
I will continue to pray for you and for the path that you are following.
All the best!
Jenn

[lost_one]

ok.. i don't know how am i gonna write this but here it goes.. the day which i thought would never come again in my life..

7 months and 5 days.. Yes, i know.. that was a wonderful time i had staying clean.. until 14th of Feb 2012.. when I relapsed..

what? yes.. someone who hated it so much.. still he gave in.. for lust? no.. for what then? for saying F*ck everyone and everything.. yes that was the last thing i said before giving in.. but why? well.. really interested in reading a story from a sick p addict.. go ahead read below..

so what actually happened was not because of something big.. but it was something big for me at least.. i got my visa denied to a country which i thought of as a dream place for me.. the main reason i believe i was denied was that they thought i am not from my own country.. and because my accent is from some other country where i have been living all my life in that country so they thought i am from there and now holding a false passport in here.. which only i knew that was not true.. but who cares.. so basically for me i am from nowhere.. lol.. these two days i have been telling myself.. come on.. its not the end of world.. sometimes we think of things as good for us while in actual they are not.. things like that..

the matter happened in the morning while at first i was like its ok.. n then slowly the feeling got worse and i felt lonely.. i had to talk to someone about it.. i called my friend.. phone was off.. and then i was working as usual until late at night and at 2 AM i came here to TTF to mention about the matter but i thought typical replies i would get as expected.. so i rather went to a chat site where 90%+ people come for nonsense chat.. and so at first i was ok but then slowly the thoughts of the morning coming up in my mind and then i gave up..

those 7 months of sobriety i will never forget.. time is tough for me for now.. and i now know that i can stop this thing by my own will.. but if i become very upset about something.. i won't be able to help by my own no matter what.. as i said before.. a reason for everything.. this was the reason for my relapse.. which i thought i had to be honest and had to mention in this journal..

what i don't like is to see myself coming here every day and writing about my relapse story and then staying clean for a few days or a week.. if i relapse i relapse by my own will and at that time i would look at myself as the most shameless person who is not having patience and escaping the problem.. i won't say things got out of control etc etc.. it was me fully aware of the situation.. and like a typical addict i gave in by my own..

next thing i do is walking down the street.. my eyes become wet.. think of writing in here.. eyes are wet.. while in the gym.. i get so angry.. these days basically i don't like doing anything.. so i think i will be ok with time..?

i don't say this place doesn't help me.. it has helped me a lot.. so many wonderful people like Jen has said.. you guys have supported me a lot.. but.. honestly.. sometimes it can't help.. or maybe its just me..

thanks for reading

signing out..

[JenMac]

Well Lost_One,
I know this will probably be a typical response, as you say, but here goes anyway.
I am sorry this has happened for you. I am sorry for the huge disappointment in your life just as you thought things were coming together for you. That sucks! Truly!
I am also sorry for your relapse in this difficult time. As we have discussed before, you will beat yourself up about this more than anyone here. You will think bad thoughts about yourself more than anyone here.
Of course we are disappointed FOR you. Of course we are sad FOR you.
But we are still here FOR you as well.
You are a good man Lost. This doesn't change that. We are here for you!
Okay, typical Jenn post, as you have told me it would be. But there it is.
Praying for you my friend. Praying for good things as always.
Jenn

[Mac]

Hey There Lost

Sorry to hear about the situation you have found yourself in.
You are a good strong young man and you will come out on top with this thing.
I have to be honest, this upsets me to no end. You have been through all kinds of crap before. What the heck happenned this time?
You just went through an extended period not long ago of being all on your own and you found a way to get through it.
You have had all kinds of tough times and yet you always were able to find the strength to some how pull yourself through.
You know though, we all have our limits and i guess you just found yours. I know you will learn from this and be stronger for it.
I feel so bad for your failed Visa attempt, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I know you had your heart set on this.
All you you can do is look ahead and move in that direction.

Don't be afraid to give yourself a kick in the butt, you deserve that. Don't be hard on yourself for to long, that just gets in the way of recovery

all the best
Mac

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hey lost
I am so sorry my friend, to hear what you are going through. There is a point in life, which we all go through some trials. You my friend have gone through them, and then some, but you have ALWAYS managed to find a way to get through them. And with all that going on right now for you in life, it is no different for you, because you will find a way though theses times also.

You are a good man, a strong man, and a man who knows what he wants in life, and he sets out to get what it is he wants. You hit a bump, a hole, and the pressure was there, and you gave in to it. That, my friend, is something that can happen to ANYONE one of us here. We never know what life is going to bring us. One day we are doing good, and the next day, we wake up, and it seems like the whole life is tumbling down on us.

You know what lost?, even though things got to you, and you made the choice to give in to this addiction, I am still so damn proud of you, and I still have so much respect for you. When you decided to get into recovery, you did not do it have heartily. When you started your recovery, and I remember when you did start, that no matter what was happening in your life, it was and still is a heartfelt determination, to get this crap out of your life. And I still feel that you have done this. 7 months of freedom from this crap. 7 months of this crap not controlling you and your thinking. Though you have been here a little over a year, it has been the past 7 months, that you found what it takes to fight this addiction, and when the battle. And in fighting this battle, you have become that strong man, that man that you want to be in life, and despite what happened, you are still that man.

Look my friend; I understand that you want to beat yourself up right now. So beat yourself if you feel you need to, and then stop it. Don’t allow yourself to do it for to long, because as Mac said, it will only get in the way of recovery.
You have been moving in the right direction for a long time now lost, and you still are moving in the right direction. You just did not see that little roadblock in front of you. So go around that roadblock now, and start moving your feet in the same direction you were going before the roadblock, and you will be just fine again.

You need to understand lost, that no one here is going to beat you up for this. But instead, what we are going to do, is to find a way, to help you even more, so you can get moving again in your recovery. We still LOVE and RESPECT you lost very much. The important thing is, that GOD still loves you too, and he will help you, and continue to help you, to get through all you are going through in life.
I / we hope we hear from you soon my friend. Be strong, stay focused on life, and it will prove to bring much happiness for you
Please take care, and God bless you.

Your friend and fellow addict
Gerald

[lost_one]

Jen.. that typical response is a whole world to me.. i was just not sure how to face you guys after this.. because this addiction is not like smoking.. not like any other drug.. it has a lot of shame attached with it.. still i wanted to be honest.. and let all of you who believed in me know that I can be a real bast...d too.. sorry for the inappropriate words..

Mac.. I am sorry man.. i couldn't face you either.. the heck that has happened i couldn't believe either.. it was a small issue but somewhat got over me telling me that all these 7 months made no difference to me so why give a damn.. I know that is not true.. but why did i believe it.. that is a question.. answer is only one i think "No matter what.. I am super sick and this thing can get me anytime"

Gerald.. again.. how could i face someone like you.. telling you oh i am sorry i relapsed.. but here i am i just said that like another shameless addict.. and i think sorry word would make it even worse :) .. your response was very different and made me even smile that u said..

Look my friend; I understand that you want to beat yourself up right now. So beat yourself if you feel you need to, and then stop it. Don’t allow yourself to do it for to long..

:) i can't believe i am back in this mess.. you know i hate it more than anything.. but it is one thing which tells me hey.. you are sick so be sick.. you will never be cured.. one way or another you will step back in.. the type of cure you are looking for is not possible at all.. jump in and jump out.. u are kind of telling me the same.. or maybe i got the wrong point out of it.. :)

so i am not all consumed by this sh*t.. but somewhat i am.. i know i have to get damn serious once again.. to put a NEVER on it again..

please keep praying for me.. you all have supported me.. i am so thankful to you all..

LOST

[2frustrated]

I read time and time again on this site that no one should ever see themselves as cured, once and for all, from p. Rather, we must be consciously on our watch, and be aware that we are in RECOVERY. Fifty years from now, we are still in recovery.

So, as a recovering addict, you did what most recovering addicts would do when your whole world is turned upside down: run to the one thing that you know will make you feel better, feel safe, and help you escape. If you were an alcoholic, it would have been a fifth of whiskey. Don't get me wrong; I'm not condoning your actions. I'm just saying it is a very understandable situation. You had a wonderful seven months, and then a REALLY bad one day. Let's add some more to that seven months, all the while acknowledging the pain you experienced in that bad day.

No matter what happens, we're here for you. Good days, bad days. It's YOU that matters the most to us.

[lost_one]

:) 2frust.. i liked ur aggressive sort of response.. i never considered myself as cured.. the main mistake i made was that my recovery plan was a little weak.. if only i had well prepared and had a plan B in mind.. it wouldn't have happened.. still i consider myself alone responsible for this.. and i'm back to normal since 17th of Feb now.. so i guess i have had a bad stop for two days which i shouldn't have taken.. not to forget that i felt the same bitterness and anger in myself when i started clean once again.. so i guess these days its a little difficult to keep it clean but as i already have experienced the withdrawal effects once i think it won't be that hard this time.. still I know i have to stay ALERT..

for now i am again busy at work.. reading a book on P treatment.. other activities include training my brothers daily for gym workout.. so pretty much busy with stuff like that..

anyways.. keep praying for me guys.. and thanks a billion to you all..

LOST

[2frustrated]

You've made the most of this situation: reflecting on what happened, what you can do better. I'm proud of you for not totally hating yourself. You treated yourself with respect.