The journal of a man

[wpgarmin]

Guilt… Overwhelming guilt… That’s what I feel right now… I feel guilty that I have been allowing Non-P, but still sexually charged videos to creep back into my life.. Guilt that the more stress I feel, the more I feel a need to give in.. The more I feel that need, the more I want to look at nasty things.. The more I want to look, the more tempted I become. The more tempted I become, the more distressed I become in the thought that I don’t think I can resist. The more distressed I get, the more I teeter on the edge. I just want the demons to leave me alone.. I pray for strength, but in vain, because the more I pray, the more desperate I get, and the more desperate I get, the further I fall into this cycle of unending torment… I can see only one way to remove this torment from my mind… I give in.

Now I feel nasty.. I feel like a traitor to myself, my wife, and most importantly, God. Although at the moment, I was only thinking of my love, I feel dirty and used because of the road I took to get there… I saw P today.. I actually partook of that forbidden, destructive and poisonous fruit… I was not able to shield my conscience and my eyes from it.. It was just a few seconds, but in that brief moment, in the icy grip of the demon, I knew without a doubt that I had started to consume that which can only lead toward my ruin. The only thing I could do in my despair is pretend like it didn’t hurt, and get ready for work. I took my pastor’s challenge too late by shutting the computer down…

I hate that I feel like I must look at every woman who walks by wearing tight clothes. The demon pleads in me, to try and gain acceptance. It wants me to urge my true love to be okay with it, so long as it doesn’t come between us.. Maybe even to allow it to “enhance our intimacy”… Still, I know that can never be… That would always hurt her, and to suggest falling into this vice with her by my side is stupid, depraved, and unrealistic… God, I love my wife, with all my heart, so why is it I am so easily tempted? Even in the midst of praying or reading my Bible, the temptations come. I cower. I feel sick when I start living the secret life.. I feel so drained to go toward home after work.. Especially if my wife isn’t home yet, I feel like I am walking into a prison filled with torment and temptation.. The evenings have been okay for me lately, but I fear that could begin to change, especially now that I have slipped further toward the pit again…

I worry, as I still need to use the computer and the Internet.. I worry that shutting down the computer may not enough.. All one needs to do is turn on TV and look for infomercials for the latest butt-blaster, or fitness program… When did everyday things become pornography to me? I can’t seem to leave the house without being bombarded by women wearing clothing that entices me… I will fight it for a while, and not look.. And when I avert my eyes, I soon wish I had looked, and soon enough, I am turning my head and gawking at every opportunity again.. I can’t simply ignore them, because I am always keenly aware of their presence, hoping that the situation will pass before the temptation gets the better of me.. Even when I do avert my eyes from the ads on TV or from women passing by, I am fully aware of exactly why I am sending my eyes in other directions… It’s still on my mind seemingly without any will to ignore it… I recognize the temptation is there, but still it taunts me..

So what is a man to do? It seems like it might be so much easier to just find a comfortable middle ground, but my pain keeps me from settling there. Guilt for what I have been doing keeps me from settling into an attitude of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” It boggles my mind that I actually know other men who are completely content with that very mindset.. The mindset of “what the missus doesn’t know doesn’t hurt her”. How can there be people who are so jaded? When I have been in the throws of desperation before, a friend asked me why I am sabotaging myself by revealing all? It’s because I want no secrets.. True love is the greatest gift, and knowing that my wife knows all about me, and that she still loves me despite all that I am, always sharing in my victories, and also feeling when I am in pain; that is what I strive for! I can’t imagine love without that.. Still, I know that when I slip, it hurts her terribly… and I can’t just keep letting her down, time and time again..

I never wanted to be caught, and so I ousted myself. Now, here I am again, finding myself starting to sugar coat the truth.. As much as I want to be open an honest, I know it still serves no purpose to continually drag my wife down with my garbage... Apparently talking to my pastor about it isn’t enough… He has no idea what the pull is like, because he’s never been there.. When someone has never been in the throws of addiction themselves, there’s no way they could understand.. He tells me that I am doing all the right things, but I don’t feel like I am, because I keep eventually ending up right back in the mud… As of right now, I have one foot in, but I am determined to walk away and leave that ferocious pit behind me before I fall all the way back in again. So that is why I am here today writing this blog.

Today, I vow to get back on the wagon, forgive myself, and start living my life again. Is it over? Will the journey be a piece of cake from this point forward? I expect not. It will be a difficult and sometimes painful journey, but I want to make it. I NEED TO! I have to get to the point where the hatred I feel for this addiction outweighs the temporary guilty pleasure that it gives. I don’t want to be at war with this – I want to be able to forget about it and move on with my life, but it’s just not that simple… All I can do is take it one day at a time, deal with it one temptation at a time, to forgive myself for slipping, and to not let it get the better of me again.

Thanks for reading, and God Bless.

[JenMac]

HI WP!
Welcome to TTF!
I am glad you have come here and I thank you for your honest and gut wrenching post! There is a lot of sorrow in your post! I found it hard to read because you seem so determined and yet so conflicted!
I am sorry for your pain!
By coming here you are taking a step in the right direction! I am sure you feel good about getting those thoughts and feelings down on paper.
There is much to be learned here. There are many who can support you and guide you and encourage you! They have all been there experiencing what you are experiencing.
Write in your journal often. Read and read some more. Install a filter, turn off the TV.
It will take time for the urges to subside, for your brain and thinking to return to some type of normalcy. You will need to come up with a plan to fight the triggers, to fill your time.
You may already know a lot of these things but others here can assist greatly you along the way!
I am glad you are here!
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[paulmor909]

I too am a Christian, have been since 1985! I've been involved in church, Bible studies, ministry, etc over the years. But I was always stuck in the P addiction trap. I just started my recovery 2 months ago. You have to look at it as a sickness, a disease (like other addictions). Don't beat yourself up over it, you are not filth! God still loves you and accepts you. S attraction is normal, I do some of the same things you mention. If I see a program, see attractive girls, it can be alluring. This is how we were made. I am also married! There may be slips or setbacks. I had some early relapses 3 & 4 months ago. S in general can be troublesome for some men, it just affects them MORE than others so we get seduced easier. Even buy a woman using a butt blaster, it would do the same to me. I might not keep looking at it, I know the affect! I am more or less a S addict, I could tell you about some past behavior. Go a little easier on yourself and just try to stay clean one day a time. Don't use P today and accept your humanity. God made the S desire the way it is so that humans would populate the world for all time. if it wasn't potent enough, we might have all gone extinct a long time ago! :D We just need to work a little more on "control"! And for me, it's definitely time to get off the P.

[wpgarmin]

Thanks guys. Your encouragement really means a lot to me! I got into P when I was 18, and now I'm 34. I never really had a girlfriend until 2008. When I met her, I dumped my entire P collection. I ran the CD and DVD burns through the microwave about 2 or 3 discs at a time for about 3 seconds each and threw them out. I scrubbed my hard drives. I truly felt I would never need it again. But when she put distance between us, I fell back into the P trap again. When we got back together a few months later, I threw out the collection again, then I would start collecting again, then throw it out again, in a vicious cycle. The girl I was dating, God bless her, she helped me to realize that I was addicted in early 2009. I started reading about P addiction, and ultimately realized that, yes, I was addicted. There were many factors that ended up dissolving what was left of that relationship, but my P addiction was definitely one of the contributing factors.

Then I met the woman who I fell in love with and married, and again, the collection was thrown out, and I told her early on about my struggles with P. So ever since April of 09, I have been trying to get it out of my life. There are of course good days, and also days that aren't so good. I shut off the computer last week when I last wrote, and this morning I had to turn it on for legitimate reasons. Still, while on the net, I felt the temptation. I dabbled a little in it this morning, and now I am trying to make amends for looking.

I am using a hosts file to block sites I used to frequent, and I also started using OpenDNS to block other general P sites for my entire home network, but this really isn't enough. Can anyone recommend a good, low-cost filter that helps to block inappropriate content in general image and video sites?

Also, what does the abbreviation S stand for?

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hello wpgarmin

i hear a lot of talk from the forums about K9 filter. i downloaded it, but really havent installed it yet., but probably the best thing to do is to have someone else have the password, so you can not change what you dont want to allow to show up. i know i am going to have my lady set the password up. and not tell me what it is. even though there is a pretty good chance that i have to get out of here and find my own place to live ,( because i hurt my lady so bad with this P), i still want her to be the only one that has password. i know that as soon as i move out of here that the temptation to look at porn will be so much more on me. but i made a decision in my heart, that even if have to go, and we are finished being together, i still do not want to get back in to porn. it has been 10 days for me. AND I FEEL GREAT. just keep fighting. i really enjoyed reading your post

[paulmor909]

Can I ever relate to the DESTROYING of collections, only to rebuild them, DESTROYING them again. I went through this cycle in my 20's & 30's. Magazines and VHS was the format of the day back than so I know I am making myself sound old. Wow throwing discs into the microwave sounds a little dangerous, lol. #:-s

As I got told in my early posts here, abbreviations are used for words that can be explicit and cause others to be triggered. I guess words like Porn, Sex, Naked, and so on when used to describe specific things. So I abbreviate those kind of words and I think others do too make it sound less explicit. I guess it's kinda like comparing an alcoholic talking at a meeting and going into vivid detail about a drinking escapade. In turn perhaps it makes other recovering members thirsty or cause a trigger in their mind.

The P filters are a personal preference I think. I think a LOT of people use them. Personally I dont because if I want to use, I'm going to use. The decision for me has to come from within, in the heart, the desire, and willingness. But even more so in my opinion is putting yourself in a position to relapse is very bad, like idle time on the computer, peeking around on Erot. websites, watching sensual TV programs, even magazines, looking at girls in bikinis, etc. ALL those things affect my mind and start to bring back the P thinking cycle. My mind thinks just take this further. So I try to avoid them all. You cant avoid everything in life of a S nature, but you can limit yourself to things that can cause you to fail. If a P filter helps, than by all means do it! I think the internet for some is almost like standing on a cliff, because they know one or two clicks and BANG it's all there!

[wpgarmin]

Hey Guys,

In Need,

Man, that's tough, but I know exactly how you feel. I know that if God forbid I were single again, that the temptation would be terrible, but I know deep down I want to get the P out of my life, and so I know I would not want to go back to where I was before. I went through a little bit of a depression a few years ago, and am still feeling the effects of it even today, and I know that P was one of those things that just threw me deeper into that pit of depression. I literally didn't want to get out ot bed in the morning, I would go in late to work, and I lost all enjoyment in things I used to like to do. Instead, I would spend hours in P looking for some kind of comfort, but it really just made the problem worse. I can see that you want to be out of P as badly as I do, and I hope that your relationship is not so far gone that it's beyond hope. It's an important decision to try and remain P-free even when all other reasons for doing so dissolve. I've been there before - when my ex-gf put the distance between us, we still remained in constant contact for a while (till I moved on and ultimately broke final the connection). I remember a couple of times she asked me how I was doing in getting P out of my life, and I remember telling her that I wasn't even trying anymore - there was no reason to try and stop. I of course took up the battle again when I met my wife. Still, you have a better mindset now than I did then, but I know it's really tough. Even though it's tough, you CAN do it! I know you can! Thanks for the advice on the filter. I will take a look into it at some point.

Paulmor,

Thanks for the advice and descriptions of the S abbreviation. :) For me, a filter is not so much because I don't trust myself, because, just like you say, if I want to look, then I will find a way. I simply want to find a better way to filter what accidentally comes up on my screen when browsing (alluring ads, etc), and also something that I would have to think through bypassing to search for certain keywords. I don't want to feel like I don't have control over the issue. I want to be comfortable knowing that I CHOOSE not to look for P. I know that relying on my wife to manage the password would only drag her down, change her mindset to distrust, and make her more of my warden than my wife. That's not the relationship I want with her. I really have worked hard on our trust relationship, and I don't want to damage it any further. It is very important to me that being P free is a result of my own decisions. Also, finding a filter now also prepares us for when we hopefully start a family. I know how easy it is to find P, and I wouldn't want my children falling into the same traps I did.

Anyhow, I need to get out of here and go to work. I hope you guys have a wonderful day today. :)

P.S. on a side note, does anyone else have trouble using the text editor for this forum in FireFox? I can type, but no cursor and I can't delete anything.. :S

[paulmor909]

Switch editor mode, in the big box top right hand button with the big A and the little A! :) It's right next to the two little up and down arrows!

[wpgarmin]

Thanks Paulmor! That makes things a little easier! ;) Not sure what mode the editor is in by default, but it's not particularly intuitive!

The temptation is there this morning, but I am resolving to myself to shut the computer down as soon as I finish writing this. It seems like one of my biggest enemies is the information inside my head. The memories of what I have seen, where to surf to, and the desire to go see it again. It's pretty bad, as I don't have a way to shut off the images that I can conjure in my own head. Another one of my enemies is my curiosity. I often wonder what would come up if I typed a different set of keywords. If I give in to that temptation of curiosity, then before I know it I've fallen back in.. Not today. Coming out to this forum really helps because it reminds me of why I'm here. Anyway, I am anxious to start my work day, so I am logging off (and SHUTTING DOWN THE COMPUTER RIGHT NOW!!). God bless you guys, and have a great day!! :D

[wpgarmin]

Just a short update... I have some temptation this morning, so I am effectively redirecting myself, and naturally, this redirection is helping me already. I am still P-free right now, and I want to stay that way. I will again, shut down the computer right after this post.

You know, I see a lot of other guys out here keeping track of how many days P-free they are, and I can't help but wonder if that doesn't set us up for worse failure? I personally prefer not to keep track of the number of days, just because for me, it would be really tough to trip up and reset my number of days to zero. Treading on the thought that I had a relapse and lost so many days just puts me in the mindset to go into a binge. I guess I am just more focused on taking it one day at a time rather than focusing on building some big number.. Of course, once I make it to a couple of years, then maybe I will allow myself to keep track of a sobriety date. It's just too stressful to keep track of 10 days, 15 days, 100 days, etc. Still, to each his own.

Another thing I am noticing is that a some guys tend to classify MB as a failure as well. I guess I just don't get that. I understand that there are also those who are addicted to MB, but is it really a failure if we don't normally MB without P? If it has been a while, and it is an act of self love, is it really a failure?

I once made the mistake of dragging myself over the coals for going 14 days without MB, only to give in to MB without P. I tell you, I gave myself the third degree and I was miserable. In my misery, I even went so far as to call my own mother to break down and tell her what was going on.. Then she told me something that I already knew... For men, that release is a physical necessity. She said it is something that women, including herself, could not understand, but that it is okay and I shouldn't fault myself for it, so long as it didn't involve P or thoughts about P. I felt so much better about it, and when the conversation eventually came up with my gf at the time, she even said that she didn't mind the fact that I MBed, so long as it was without P.

Now, of course, I am not trying to encourage other guys out here to MB yourself into a MB addiction, but to first and foremost FORGIVE YOURSELF for screwing up after a couple of weeks. You will feel so much better in the end! I know I did. Now, I still try not to MB, because my wife is by my side and is supportive of what I am trying to do, and also because of what MB can lead to. Still, I am just curious.. What do others here actually think of MB? Is the occasional MB without P still a failure in your eyes?