The start of an amazing new beginning

[IWantThisGone]

Hello all,

I came across this site about 6 months ago and have been occasionally reading and learning about PA. I quickly realized I am a PA. For the past month I have been in a mental battle to come on here and start a recovery journal, and really start my recovery. My hope is that keeping this journal and having support from others on here will keep me from telling myself, "It's ok if you just look at P this time, etc."

I am not real sure how long I have been addicted to online P. I know it has been at least 6 years, and I had absolutely no idea I was a PA for the first 5.5 years. That is the scary thing about P addiction, it's right there in front of you, and nobody will ever know, and you may not even realize it. I have went from watching online P and MB'ing, to watching more intense online P, to webchat, and webcam. My biggest fear is my family or friends uncover my dark secret.

However, my biggest reason for putting this past behind me, is that I am 24 years old, I have been single most of my life, and I realize I will never find someone as long as P is in my life daily. I cannot offer my full spectrum of companionship to someone deserving as long as P is part of my life. It has desensitized me entirely. I have had two previous relationships where even though my girlfriend never had any idea, P was a huge issue in the relationship. I am 24 and I have little sex drive, I get turned on more at the thought of being alone with P and a webcam, than I do activity with a female. I want to uncover what it is like to love and to make love to someone I love, not just chase a random hookup, because that is what the years of watching P has made my mind believe is better.

I want this PA gone because I know it is the giant road block keeping me from really being happy. I am a happy person, I love my family and I have great friends, overall I have a lot going for me. This is the one thing that could unravel all of that, and I know that.

I know this journey will have ups and downs, but I am expecting a lot more ups than downs, because I know this is what I want. I am doing this entirely on my own because I know this is the right thing for me to do for myself. I will not let anything get in the way of my own success and happiness, so I have a desire and confidence to kick the behind of this PA.

I would be grateful for any and all support I receive on this journey, and look forward to conversing and updating as I go.

Here's to a new life!

[JenMac]

Welcome Iwantthisgone!
You have come to the right place!
You have made a positive step in the right direction and you are doing it for yourself! That is awesome! I am always so happy when I see someone choosing this battle of their own free will without it being forced upon them.
I find it very sad that at your young age this has become such a huge problem for you but I am afraid that that is the case far too often these days. Your feelings about choosing P over a real life partner speak to how troubling and all consuming this addiction can be.
Now that you are here I encourage you to try to post often and read, read, read! Consider an internet filter, change your habits to foster your committment and consider sharing this secret with someone you trust. Even though that may seem difficult, it can have a truly profound impact on your ability to conquer this.
I am an SO here, along with my H, Mac. I suggest you read some of the SO journals here as well for they will shed light on how this will affect any future partners you may have, although I see you already recognize that it has affected relationships in the past.
All the best to you as you start your journey! You will find incredible support here! Keep coming back!
Jenn

[IWantThisGone]

Thanks Jen! I appreciate your response.

Thankfully it hasn't become as big of an issue in my life right now as it would be if I didn't take care of it now. Thankfully it hasn't gotten to the point where I have lost a job, lost a wife, allowed my addiction to lead me to dangerous situations. And thankfully I came across this site, which from reading other peoples journals, articles, and posts I realized how great it would be to ditch this habit.

I am on to day 2 now, so far so good, I have already noticed myself having a bit more positive attitude knowing that P is no longer an outlet to look forward to.

I noticed you mentioned its sad that at my young age it has become such a problem. To tell you the truth, I imagine it's an issue with a lot more people in my generation than you think. Unfortunately I grew up in the age where free internet P was always a click away, you didn't have to wait til you were 18, drive to an adult store an purchase it. I was already looking at P before I was old enough and mature enough to fully understand how to develop a healthy relationship. The access underage people have these days is so easy it is ridiculous, and these access to all people is way to easy.

[JenMac]

Hi Iwantthisgone!
Yes I agree completely with you! That is what I meant, that this is a huge problem in our society today and young people are getting hooked into this at an age before they even have a chance to develop healthy relationships. That is very sad and very frightening!
However, for you, you are here and seeking help! That is awesome! You have figured out on your own that this is not healthy for you. You should be proud of yourself for taking this step!
Take full advantage of being here! TTF can be like a lifeline when the going gets tough! Use all of the resources available to you. Set a plan in place and continue to read to understand the effects of all of this and what you can do to overcome it!
All the best!
Jenn

[2frustrated]

Cheers to your new life! We're glad you're here.

[IWantThisGone]

Day 3 was another good and busy day. Not being bored and by myself has helped me avoid the usual triggers. I didn't sleep well night 2, which I was expecting to happen in the beginning stages, but last night I slept well and have yet to have any serious thoughts or urges. On to day 4 now...which I think will be another good day.

[2frustrated]

Though there will be some momentous temptations, it should only get easier from here.

[IWantThisGone]

So I had a relapse yesterday. Although I am not happy with it, I am looking at the bright side that at least viewing P 1 day out of 5 is a lot better than multiple times 5 days our of 5. I know this will be a long and tough journey, and I have to continue to avoid putting myself in vulnerable situations.

I realized yesterday that when doing academic work in my room on my computer is a dangerous scenario. Getting stuck on a frustrating problem leads me right to P because my brain thinks it helps me clear my mind and relax. When in reality it is part of the problem.

Today has been a good day with no real temptations, so back to day 1, but looking ahead to many more P free days.

[paulmor909]

Don't feel bad, I started P at age 13 and this was in 1973. Where there's a will there's a way! I mean we're talking hundreds of magazines by age 16. Making fake ID's, getting my older brother to get me a reel to reel and movies, going to theaters, and so on. Most of my buddies didnt have much trouble either if they really wanted to watch P. That's with older brothers and uncles and stuff, turn on the young teens to P. They thought it was funny! I was addicted before age 16 and VERY BAD by age 18. I find the internet access shocking. Any computer, any home, any office, no censors, no age requirement, just click and view. I found it interesting that China for example has an entire office with hundreds of employees that block porn access to their country and computer users. They don't allow hard P and not even much soft. The argument in the US is infringement on liberty and freedom but is there a point with any of it for common sense?

[IWantThisGone]

Unfortunately I had another slip-up yesterday. Today is back to day 1 and it has been a good all around day. I find myself constantly uncovering new triggers that I did not even know existed. I imagine there will be a few more bumps in the road, but each time i uncover a trigger I did not previously know about, it makes it easier to avoid. And while I slipped up, I felt like what I was doing was wrong, there was definitely a subconscious feeling telling me it was wrong.

Even though I have had two slip ups since I started, overall I can already tell a difference. P is no longer on my mind throughout the day. I don't think about it during class, when I am watching tv, when I am driving, or a number of other activities. I have also noticed I have began to refrain from looking at every female I see in a sexual fashion. I have also been becoming more friendly towards all people, especially females who I may not find "hot", but they have a great personality. I feel this is a big step in the right direction on my path.