Recovery journal

[Wasted Years]

I'm glad I found TTF.

[Wasted Years]

PA-There is much reading to done on TTF so I'm setting a time slot to get it done. IP is dangerous. It has damaged my ability to be honest with myself. It's like I'm in dreamland all day long which can not be a good thing. I'm finding when I write a sentence in my recovery journal I have to go back and delete it because it was a half-truth, or fictitious. I'm currently unemployed due to change in management but honestly my guesstimate is that it had indirectly something to do with my PA.
I look back at my relationships and I now suspect they were PA/SA because of their adult cable channels but because I never subscribed to adult channels I could rationalize that I was not a PA. Once or twice when I was dating two woman both times I chose the PA because secretly I could continue with my IP. This year I was dating two PA's and I gone with the more severe PA woman. Within hours of after having relations I turned on the IP, and thats the compulsion of PA. It's not a controlled behavior and it may of been related to my loss of employment but I'm not 100% sure. With my loss of employment I am able to spend a considerable amount of time with IP. Since I didn't want to spend my time in this way any longer I Google PA and am grateful to TTF and it's community. I can see that I am dreamy and not living in reality because of IP. I suspect in the future I will be able to see the damage IP has caused me. I don't believe IP has any benefits.
To clear up some things for my recovery.
1) It's foolish to think I'm a friend or in love with a few of the PS. I am willing to wake up from this delusion. How can I be a fan when it has taken so much of my time I could otherwise give to my relationships, my career or anything else. Catering my time to IP has zero benefits. It has damaged my eyesight, given me a potbelly, has robbed me of any kind of social life and has made my moral life hypocritical and sickly secretive. This has given way to a dull-ness in my eyes. I was a late-bloomer in the MB behavior and can remember a time when I was happy without PA. My aim is to get that state of mind back and QUIT living in this fantasy world were I struggle with delusions and being truthful. I'm single because of struggle with being truthful. My friend had his first child and I went to see them and the newborn on Friday. He asked me 'why don't you have any kids'. I told him I don't know. I do know, and it is my difficulty in being honest which is the first requirement in a relationship. With PA, the phone rings and the simple, 'what are you doing?' is a reply of a lie which has affected my self-worth. I am living proof that IP has not one benefit.
2) It needs to be clear to me that I have attracted other PA in my relationships. I have some exceptional people in my life but always choose the PA so that I wouldn't appear to have a problem with PA. I know the intense feeling of regrettably choosing the PA over the non-PA. I can understand the difficult struggle with honestly. I never told anyone the truth that, "I can't right now because I have the vice of IP". Being honest could save much unnecessary grief but the secretiveness of IP doesn't enable honesty. A relationship with anyone requires the basic value of honesty and I'm ready to stop IP in order to have my first relationship. I read on TTF that with IP you bring in the imaginary images which blocks any true friendship free of secrecy and all the darkness related to IP secrecy.
I got to go now, I didn't intend to spend this much time with this. I will allow it to be broken up in segments. Thank you TTF and it's community for the IP free day. http://l.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/77.gif^:http://l.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/77.gif)^

[Wasted Years]

I had never had this thought until now. But I married a woman I didn't even love. Five years later she filed for divorce and one of the things she said that I have thought about since was, ''I don't think you were ever even attracted to me." She must of been talking about my relationship with PA. How strange it took this long to realize that. PA is one of the deepest darkest secretive thing in my life to the point where I'm believing my own lies. I'm guessing that as I continue to read the forums on TTF, more will be reveled about my PA and it's impact on my life. This part of my mind is twisted and deranged to the point where I don't recognize all the problems IP and it's images true effect to my mind. For one it has demented my concept of normal. I have abandoned my spiritual life completely. If I ever stop living in this dream world I will one day realize how empty I feel. My face has this permanent frown to it and it wasn't always this way.

[paulmor909]

The years were never wasted as long as you learned from them. Porn is very secretive for many addicts. I was a user for 35 years, at one point was even into ministry work, church, speaking and nobody knew what I was doing at home by myself at night. I quit for seven weeks now and even after all the years, my mind is changing. It's resorting back to normal slowly. The key is to abstain I guess, stop the mental fogging. And no doubt P changes your thinking to something abnormal. That's the nature of it. I've said it many times my prospective on S and women is completely abnormal and all based on P and P fantasies. But I believe than can change too! That's part of recovery. I never abandoned my spiritual life completely as you mentioned, but I BLOCKED the light from getting through. That's why I mentioned fogging. But admitting the powerlessness and believing God can restore is the first steps. Recovery is very possible, hard at times, but possible taken each day as it comes.

[Wasted Years]

TTF community forums>Forums>New member wecome area > Advice for Newbies
Q 2 : reommendations: I followed the advice, got rid of all the . Started a list of what triggers, and how to avoid them. I have it in word and I feel somewhat paranoid about having begun such a list but the reason I still do it is because I feel it will help me not relapse. Because I have to use the computer alone, I purchased filter software and it feels good. I love this last recommendation : Funnel all your extra energy into your S.O. and relationships. What a novel recommendation. But let me tell you, with a PA, this recommendation had immediate results. My S.O. is loving the attention and happier. I had cravings a few days ago, she phone called me distressed about an issue and I listened, listened, listened... and only gave a few statements in return. She acted like my new best friend after that. Of course I would never make time for this -shoulder to lean on , sort of stuff before. Not with a PA. My usual and expected response would be, "I'm a little busy(a lie), no really, I am very interested in what you have to say but I'm in the middle of something and I don't want to lose my concentration." With going on, I would not make time for others. I'm actually making very light of this incident. 1) in the past I would of just screened the call and not answer it. I don't allow interruptions with going on. 2) I might of been mouse clicking and just acted like I was listening with only like 5% of my attention on the phone call. 3) My forte is exaggerating some made up story (a white lie or half-truth) about my work which is much more important and I can not be interupted with so and so, so just deal with it and let me focus on blah, blah, blah. In a millisecond, I would of forgotten about the phone call and be right back in my . Later when she brought up her troubled issue again, I would have no idea what she was talking about and she would tell me what she always tells me, 'you weren't listening'. I would still have no idea what she is talking about. -All this was avoided! just because I used the extra energy to listen to her? I only said a few statements, I wasn't even really all that helpful but she acted like I just received a bonus at the end of the fiscal year-she went crazy over it, in a terribly good way. You know...I didn't expect this.

Q 4: A 4: P is totally the 'gateway drug' to even worse...For me, I was losing so much money, if not all my money but I don't want to be truthful about it. At one point it influenced my decision to get married. then it continued to influence my divorce. Maybe, I'm not sure on this yet, but it may of influence my career choice. I may of sub-consciously chosen my relationships with other PA. I look back and sort of see the behavior was more extreme than mine in order for me not to appear I could have a real problem. They had the channel, the , the , and I didn't . Somehow I believed my own lies. I may never believe certain things about my . But I feel the truth. I feel suspicious towards my own thoughts, I feel hypercritical when I'm speaking, and I have trashy thoughts about the people I care about. which brings me to Q5.

Q 5: A 5: The internet and PA can take you places you never thought you would go. As I look back I want to think about the glass being half-full. Especially now that I found TTF and have a better chance at getting help. Yes, I can see how it affected my life leading up to this point where I am telling myself, I need help. Yet I must be glad I put the brakes on where I may have been heading. I may never know how lucky I am that I didn't lose everything to the point where I am giving up. I'm in a hole right now but I have TTF as a tool I can use. And even though I don't have much sobriety, I have been making a good choice to be on the internet for TTF and study in a 60/40 kind of split, instead of the 80/20 split which was and study. Next year I wont have to lie on my taxes about my internet use. I'm going to approximate my years of life ahead of me and the time and money I could of used on . Maybe 2.83 years straight, just on . So I'll just say 2.83 years times minimum wage would equal 1,983,264.00! So if I choose to work at minimum wage equivalent to the hours I spend on IP for the rest of my life, I would bring in just under 2 million dollars. Sometimes I buy lotto tickets and just for a few seconds fantasize on what I would do with the money. Now if I have the (I'm not thinking of a word I am willing to give it just right now) I can say the industry would make 2 mil off of me or I can stop and fantasize on what I would rather do with my time/money/health/confidence/good looks/creative style/better posture and eye-sight/carpal tunnel syndrom-free, ( I guess those fall into the health category but I don't give a . ) anyway, wouldn't it be a waste? I'm too good-looking and smart (true, being smart/IQ/common-sense/race/gender/age/castes has nothing to do with PA .) to lock myself with-in four walls, in poor ventilation, because I close the windows and shutters, get rude or indifferent with the phone calls that are interrupting. And worst of all, that I have to lie to them which kills my confidence and self-esteem which then I end up judgments against my self as having no integrity. One of most damaging is the call from mom who usually begins with, 'what are you doing?'. I'm approaching that half-centry mark and this innocent reaching out to touch someone instills shame every time. Of course I would mentally defend my behavior and rationalized in order to continue with the P., but the truth is there would be this feeling of shame. Shame, that undoubtedly sense of deep personal shame that extends to all A. and that ability to relate to the scum of the Earth is rooted by the damage done by using this punishment tool known as . The www. search engine says this is a 10 billion dollar industry and that the companies have double digit growth for the past five years. This is the reality of how it feels to be pimped by this industry. Generations in my family fought and my grandfather even gave his life fighting for freedom. Fighting to be free from oppression. I want to meet him someway in the afterlife and say, ''Grandfather, I was brave enough to fight too.".

This would be the opposite of every time someone complimenting me that I get all self-effacing. This has nothing to do with humility. Even when my S.O. tells me some nicety I disagree with her because I feel no esteem about myself inside. Strange that I'm out-going, but because I have been Suffering Under This , people know me as, 'a private person', 'quiet'. In meetings I behave 'subdued'. Everyone from my high-school-my friends who knew me from high-school, know me as out-going, funny, big-hearted and honest to a fault. Now, and for the last few decades I have been coming across as 'a private person', which is a pet-peeve of mine because I am out-going! I enjoyed being on-stage. PA has taken an important part of me and all of the sudden I'm known as this 'private person'. P, IP, did it's part with P telling me I'm mature- adults only. Telling me P is cool. Telling me what is adventurous. Telling me about fame and being popular. Remember-bad attention is still attention. I can either earn my prize or yell, have a tantrum and scream to manipulate my prize. Tells me I have choices, desensitized and tricked me with billboards, tv, radio, internet, just about everywhere, how can I ignore them! P is a liar! I can't even buy a bottle of water without getting affected. Sub-consciously I am affected. The gray-matter of my brain is 20% conscious and 80% unconscious. Even if I'm choosing not to see the ads, the ads tricked my subconscious by making my thoughts familiar with the product to the point that jingles in my head that I probably wouldn't go out to look for. 5 billion dollar a year industry. I'm just a statistic that is hooked. I'm glad TTF is here to free me. "Just Do It", "connecting people", "I'm loving it", that's exactly what I'm talking about. I swear the next time I get that urge for I'm going to spray paint monitor, 'over my dead body'. The look on their faces when I get visitors will be worth it. What? The monitor cost $300.00 plus tax and the $14.00 monitor disposal fee. That's nothing compared to just under two-million. My S.O. wants to cook now and needs the computer to look up something. I left my lap-top at mom's so I'm forced to quit. Out.

[Wasted Years]

Triggers...Noun. Yesterday it wasn't the IP. No, I change that. It was the IP. I didn't relapse physically but mentally. I was mentally having P thoughts through out the social gathering. The Place : the pool. I gone for a walk. When I came back, the mental P was slowed down. At the table, the person next to me had no idea where my mind was at or doing to them mentally. I gone through this P mental scenario that was a lie. I mentally relapsed. I gone on a walk with my S.O. I was frustrated and came off strong with her about directions. A side effect of PA, mood, temper, acting passionately about something petty, like directions. The mental relapse kept me up. I lost sleep over it. I'm going to prepare for the next social gathering. I can't believe I allowed myself to think like this in such places. Actually I thought it was as healthy to do as going to the gym. IP lied. It is healthy to think on a higher plane, not in the gutter. My own extended friends and family? The shame I feel gives me dizziness. I was the first to arrive and the first to leave. I could of enjoyed my function more if my mind was more prepared. I noticed the dreamland I'm always in has diminished 2%. I will take whatever I can get. I noticed that with certain people, the trigger mind stops completely. When that happened, I knew I could control my thinking behavior instantly if I prepared myself somehow. I know for me, physical control is the goal. The goal towards my confidence and self-esteem. I didn't know that I could have IP fantasy play with these thoughts of mine. The chemical effects are not as strong as the physical but they affect my esteem none the less. Triggers 1) the pool 2) social gatherings. Ammunition 1) brisk walk 2) cold splash to the face and eye/tear drops to the eyes to symbolize, seeing with different eyes. 3) I'll try doing some Algebra problems and just tell them it's a new hobby. 4) I'll verbally tell P , "I'm not going out like that". 5) I could get a mid-size dog and take him with me. I cant think how that would help. 5) I will have to write a mantra I could use. I absolutely know I can break this bad habit. And if I can't , I will never admit to it. It's healthy to compliment, to say 'hey you look great, did you lose weight? I like your sweater, is that cashmere?" without the . I know I can do great things with my life. But I must get over the . I hate it, it's not even My Mind , when . is going on. Spending so much time with IP has not one benefit. Zero. None. I'm so much better than this A. Next time I have a plan and that should make all the difference. No more side effects of irritability and childlike whining about things of no significance. TTF and its' community is like a breath of fresh air. Normally I would of wasted whole afternoon. and the lies I would have to tell. It's the lies I hate. It empties my self-esteem jar when I lie and defend this creep IP at such a huge cost I can never afford. P you lied, you were never my friend. All those excuses I would have to make for you, I'm tired of it. Now that I read that sugar is a trigger for some I will have to address that as well. Today I spent a chunk of hours reading the forms and now I think I'll go out on this beautiful day P free. Usually I would find myself locked up and hating the phone.

[2frustrated]

You're quite the writer! I assure you: the less you look at p, the less you will feel controlled by it. This happens even quicker than you think. Hang in there, and keep us posted!

[Wasted Years]

2frustrated, thanks for your sentiment. I think so too, the less P the more self-control. There is another thing about PA. The last few days my SO was stressed and needed rest. I thought the statement, 'not now' was a trigger because the private knee jerk reaction was, to turn to IP. I very literally didn't allow myself to be alone for the rest of the day. I didn't care at this point if rejection caused my feelings to be hurt because the alternative would be the possibility of spending hours with . At one point I just had this book infront of my face with a silent argument going on with my PA. At the point where my arguments were so far out in fantasy land. There were fake scenarios galore playing in my thoughts. I grabbed my car keys and stopped at a hardware store. I looked at everything up and down the aisles. Eventually things were more relaxed and tried to watch a movie with my SO but could only take about an hour of it and gone to sleep four hours earlier than usual. It may of not of seemed like a successful day but a P free day none the less. Today shouldn't be as difficult. I know my feelings are hurt but the reality is I cant supplement P for my lack of romance. I don't want to turn to P as some fantasy alternative to real person romance. I'm not in love with P even though I feel like I am. I'm not going to be pimped by IP because my real-life SO is a real person and not some fantasy.

[paulmor909]

I used that for years, P as a lover and S mate! It can never satisfy or take the place of a SO! Not to underestimate S in a marriage or relationship (i like it as well), but the MANY other apsects of relationships are probably even greater than S. Just look at old couples who could never live without one another even after their S avtive days are over. P will always leave you feeling lonley and unsatisfied. It always did me! It's only good at a basic instinct level! Even the quest for friendship, meeting new friends and women, or a casual date is far more satisfying.