The long path

[bombers9]

I am starting this on advice from Mell. I've had my first slip since I joined the site about a week ago, and am still pretty fragile.

feel at times like the the known benefits of acting out outweigh the intangible, less known, long term benefits from stopping. need to continue to push myself to try to build a foundation to realise these.

On Mell's advice I will try to post here everyday regardless.

Bombers

[bombers9]

Not a very imaginative title I know...

classic day 2 - optimistic and hopeful, no real pressure to act out - steeling myself for the more difficult days to come.

when things are like this, it's easier to see the reasons behind wanting to quit. today for me that's about the enormous time contribution i could make to some worthy pursuit if i do manage to kick this.

will keep posting....

cheers


bombers

[johnny5]

I'm glad you started this... I feel compelled to post daily too.
That's a good idea to save your mental energy for fighting binges... Keep on fighting and posting... God bless

[bombers9]

Yep - as the title suggests fell backwards since the last posting. Bloody snuck up on me - one of the most disappointing ways to act out. Wasn't feeling particularly stressed or compelled, just started with one image and away we went.

That's where the addicition part strikes me as so consistent with other compulsions like alcohol. Could never understand the idea that an alcoholic could not have only one drink, but I can't look at one image.

lesson - understand the triggers, and progressivley eliminate acting out that is caused by laziness. Perhaps controversial, as this approach accepts a weaning off rather than cold turkey. Goes to the type of addiction I guess. Alcoholics appear to need to go cold turkey, but smokers do it progressivley through patches. Is it appropriate to reserve a certain 'number' of indulgences as long as this leads to abstinence? keen to get the thoughts of others.

Overall through, should not have dropped the ball on such a weak premise.

[mell]

Bombers,

Good for you, for admitting your relapse. That is a huge step. It is impotant to be able to recognize your triggers. Start working on them and write them down or post them. It helps to get them 'on paper'. Once you recognize them (and there will be some that are not so obvious) you can work on avoiding those situations.

I cannot 'wean off'. Any acting out takes me to a horrible place and I will escalate in my methods of acting out. I would work on a definition of sobriety, where you want to be and what you want to stop doing. When you violate these, it is a relapse, and they will happen. Learn from them and move on.

I think allowing some 'indulgences' is a dangerous tactic. It just opens the door for acting out. Just my opinion.

[bombers9]

Rocky start - can't seem to get any recovery momentum going. still trying.

have had some responses in the general discussion area to the issue around the type of addiciton porn is. My proposal that it is more smoking than drinking from a trigger viewpoint hasn't been warmly embraced, but I can't help but think some relapse episodes are more problematic than others. Surely on the overall recovery road relapsing through laziness (which I have done), is worse than relapsing through being under significnat stress and seeking a release (which I have done).

either way, I'm starting from scratch again.

Whilst the heavy stress issues come from nowhere, I do anticipate from experince that I will gradually be presented with the opportunity to lapse through laziness over the next few days, so will try to tackle these occasions.

Thanks to all for reading and responding. Always open to new throuhts...

b9

[Mac]

Hey There Bomber
A relapse is a relapse is a relapse, no mater which way you slice it. You are on a slippery slope if you start to justify this in anyway. This is a huge battle, there is no denying that. If a relapse does occurr you have no choice but to accept it, but be careful not to excuse the behavior.

Good luck
Mac

[bombers9]

Been a few days since I have posted, and was on somehting of a mini-roll before falling off the horse again last night.

42 now, and when PA was first taking hold I was getting to the point where I could go almost a month without acting out. ironically, as I've gotten older, the streches I have been able to accomplish have been getting smaller and smaller. hence seeing 3 days as an achievement.

Feel stronger re the lower level triggers I have referred to before, and being a fairly positive person, hAve been focusing on what I have achieved with the greater time I've had over those three days (probably 6-8 hours in total given past practiCes). Also feels better to be not feeding the economic beast of the porn industry for a few days.

That's somthing that also was a bigger driver to quit a few years ago than it is now. part of the desensitisation process I guess, but the industry obviously does a range of heinous things to the perfromers involved, especially the women. I once came across a telling website that documented the tragic demise of a number of porn stars who were spat out of the industry, or even worse, into prostitution on the way out. I even contributed a story about a porn actor who took her own life after the inevtiable downward spiral. If anyone has any knowledge of this site, please let me know...

feeling Ok again now (back to Day 0), but desperate to keep trying to improve

Yours

B9

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi,

Are you single or in a relationship? People's relationship status tends to impact the way they approach PA, so I was wondering about you.

[bombers9]

I have just come back from a holiday, which told me a couple of things I had been underplaying regarding my PA.

Firstly, the relaxed mood of the holiday helped take the pressure off. I'm not sure whether it was being off work, or changed routine and surroundings, but I got by for 6 of my 7 days without too much pressure. Now I'm back home, that is a different story so I am trying hard.

Secondly, it has indicated as I go back to work for the New Year that tackling the A means taking steps to relieve some of the pressure of my job, which can be quite intense.

Still trying to fully understand all these triggers.


B9