my journal

[sick&tired]

I just posted to the new member area but I also want to get started with a journal. I am on day two of recovery and still feel fine. My troubles won't start kicking in until right around a week. I have tried quitting porn and MB before but have never made it past a week. Basically at about that time I feel like I don't even know myself. I am shaky, moody and nervous. I go back to MB to make myself feel "normal" - or at least how my body knows normal to be. Then I figure after I have done that I'm back to zero and might as well look at some porn. I will feel extremely proud of myself if I can make it past that first week.

This addiction stuff really is crazy. I don't have any other addictions and lead a pretty clean life outside of this. I have never experienced anything like it. It's like one day I can be completely convinced that I'm done with all of this crap and the next day some other voice (that I hate) tells me it's all completely OK and we'll just look one last time. I am so sick of it all.

Dumb Question: Are there any meds or anything that helps with any of these mental issues or help lower hormones? I was thinking I read something about this at one time. I can't go to exercise as I often hear recommended to help because I already hit the gym at least 5 days a week. I sometimes think that makes my problems worse.

[astander]

Hi there. I have heard people use the expression "white knuckling-it," which is to say that they just try to "will" the porn addiction away, without doing anything concrete to stave off the cravings when they get really strong. Then, when something happens to "trigger" the cravings, they give in and then feel awful all over again.

So, I would say that you should try to find a support group and/or skilled therapist who is knowledgable about porn/sex addiction. I guess doing either of those things would mean you would have to come clean to your wife about why you are going, but you're probably going to have to do that eventually anyway.

Unfortunately I don't think there's any pill or medication that will take it all away. But by your being here on your own, I think that's a good start. Good luck.

[2frustrated]

The pill is this website. Take it at least once daily. You will experience side effects, such as increased self-esteem, better reltionships, newfound sense of purpose, fulfillment, freedom, and cognitive growth.

[mell]

The pill is this website. Take it at least once daily. You will experience side effects, such as increased self-esteem, better reltionships, newfound sense of purpose, fulfillment, freedom, and cognitive growth.

Awesome post 2F!

Sick&tired,

Welcome to TTF, glad to see you started a journal. Journalling has helped me immensely.

As far as meds, I have heard of some that are intended to lower a person's sex drive, I refuse to even think about taking anything. I'm an anti - meds type of guy, if you know what I mean. If you really feel like you need something, see a therapist, just make sure they are experienced in SA first.

[Daniel]

sick&tired,

Welcome to TTF.

All of us PAs who have hit the bottom can readily identify with the points you brought out in your introductory post -in particular the dead feeling we have inside because of the double life, the guilt, the constant scheming to get our next fix (right after swearing for the millionth time that the last fix as the Last Fix!), etc.

So we're definitely with you.

There's a lot that comes to mind at this juncture, I will add a few links to other posts below, but I strongly encourage you to read read read around the site and "learn-up" on the Journey to Freedom.

Change.

You must change your environment, alter daily habits, put measures in place to make failure difficult instead of easy.

"If we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we always got."

This is painfully true.

A model of disciplined distraction will work the best for getting rid of the immediate urge(s). Get up and leave, do some exercises, go talk to someone about a different subject, etc.

The longer-term solution resides in changing our thinking, in particular learning to be patient instead of indulging ourselves at the slightest whim of an urge (wrongly thinking that will solve our immediate problem). P is a monster that only wants one thing: MORE.

Here are some articles regarding how are brain functions when we are addicted, to sx/P/MB in particular. Very illuminating.

There are many stages in the journey (see my signature for the link to that post), and you must prepare ahead of time so you're not making tactical changes in the midst of attacking urges.

Yes it is hard but how much is your freedom worth? Tons absolutely.

It can be done and it will be done,

Daniel

[sick&tired]

I really enjoyed reading all of your comments and I plan to take time to re-read and think all of them over again after I type this. It is already making me feel better that I'm not alone! I smiled as I read all of the comments.

I hated even asking if there was a magic pill for help with this addiction. I usually can't stand how most people want a easy way out of stuff but I was just hoping that maybe there was a 'tool' for porn willpower...

As for my journal, today the urges are starting to creap back a bit but I thought I would use this site as a way to discourage myself from thinking about porn. I guess that is my first step of changed behavior and I've noticed it helps.

One thing I have noticed when I tried to swear off porn in the past is that a few days later I start looking for stimuli in the real world. I guess that has driven me back to porn in the past because I hate feeling like some pshyco in my daily life. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it for awhile. At what point does this go away?

Thanks again for the kind words a support.

[sick&tired]

Today has been tough because my wife headed out of town for a few days for work. Normally I would be a bit excited and lonely which is a horrible combination for p addiction. I would get a feeling of excitement thinking about my surfing tonight and then I would get a little let down when I reminded myself of my new life. I am on this site to post and read to keep my mischievious side from surfacing. I still haven't reached what I consider the tough part yet but I know it's coming in a few days. Does anybody have any words of wisdom once the urges really start kicking in around a week? Obviously I want to be done with p forever but what is a reasonable goal right now? What changes might I notice if i make it two weeks? I have never made it that far before but I am determined this time around.
Thanks!

[2frustrated]

I know that feeling: the excitement of countless hours to surf while the wife is away. I also know the feeling of the utter loneliness I used to feel after acting out--wishing my wife was home.

The next few days will be a real challenge for you. Once you get through them (and you will), you'll be feeling a lot more confident about the whole quitting thing. Regarding your question about when the urge will go away: the less you look at p, and the less you gawk at chicks on the street, the less your urge will be. I've always looked at p and lusting as gasoline. We have an urge; we're on fire. We want to quench the flame with p/mb. The flame gets quenched. The next day, or the next hour, the fire is back, but stronger! More p. More mb. Then it comes back stronger. It's like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. The good news is that the reverse is true. The less p we view, the weaker the urge will become. This happens at different rates for everyone, but I assure you it will happen.

Nevertheless, there will be some moments, especially at the beginning, when you're pretty damn tempted. Use the techniques on this site. Go outside. Call someone. Read or write a post on here. Think about how you'd feel afterwards. Eat. Write a love letter to your wife. Watch a movie. Go to bed. Whatever it takes; you can do it.

[sick&tired]

2frustrited, Thanks for the help. Your post was awesome and I am becoming more and more sure that I can do this. I just need to be tough but also have a plan. I am sick of all of these urges and can't wait until they go away. My biggest hope right now is to get myself cured over time and then be one of the people on this site that help others. Everyone's words really have been encouraging.

I also read Daniel's articles about the science behind p addiction and found them to be fascinating. I am an engineer and something about that write-up was right up my alley. It helped me realize why my brain is doing what it is doing and gave me hope that it can be stopped over time. I did realize today that I was tempted to go to P tonight because it would make me temporarily happy. It's weird but I had never made that connection before. I also never really knew that the dopamine changes were making me feel worse afterwards. I need to get out of this cycle to really start feeling great.

Day 5 is a success!

[sick&tired]

So my wife came home from her trip and I must say that I felt pretty proud of myself for totally avoiding p/mb. In a way I wanted to tell her that she should have a reason to be proud of me as well but right now this is all secretive. I still think I need a little more time to talk to her about this stuff.

I really think this site has been a godsend for me. The information is amazing. I was amost worried that I might not get a chance to post in my journal for the day. It feels good that posting on this site is my only secret for the day.

Tomorrow I will ty my previous record for p/mb avoidance so every day afterwards will be milestone.