journal of freedom

[freetobeme]

Day 1 - It's been 20 years of P, starting at age 10. It's so integrated into my psychology now. It's tainted the way I see everything, especially women. I've been trying to kick this habit for years. But, never even really considered that is was an addiction until I realized I had no control to stop it.

I'm an American currently living in a spiritual ashram in India. I'll be living here for about 6 months. It's very peaceful, beautiful and relaxing. When I arrived I had to sign a document stating that I wouldn't possess many things we'd consider illegal in the US, and on that list was P. I know that P is actually illegal in some Eastern countries. I'm not sure about this district of India that I'm in. Either way, is super inappropriate to be looking at it here.

The in ability to control myself has made me painfully aware that I'm a PA. I've been using the internet here a the spiritual center to look at P. This has to stop. If anyone finds out there's a good chance I'd be sent home, and maybe even a chance I could get in legal trouble. So, now I'm desperate to get over this addiction. It's funny now it has taken a serious situation like this to shake me up enough to really want to change. For years I've been trying to stop looking at P. But, just recently a new part of my self has awakened and realizes how destructive and low vibe P is. It's really tainted my view of woman. It makes me have so much less respect for myself. I'm committed to changing. I'm grateful to be on this website, and have learned a lot already by reading other's posts. Thank you.

[2frustrated]

A good thing to do at this point is to think about the causes and triggers of your PA. Tell us all about it, and the advice will come pouring in. There's nothing any of haven't gone through already.

[freetobeme]

Thnaks for the encouragement Frustrated. I really liked reading through your journal. There's a lot of good insight.

I think one of the main root causes to my PA is that I started young. My dad is a partier/swinger kind of guy. So, I was exposed to the more dark sides of sexuality when I was very young 3,4,5 years old. I started looking at P that I found around my Dad when I was around 10, and have been increasingly into it ever sense.

The problem now for me is that the high from P is much different than from normal intimacy. P makes me feel so good. I can remember vividly feeling these highs when I was a kid. It was such a unique feeling, it was so awesome and fun. As a kid I didn't know any better. I didn't know how destructive P is to women's lives. I had know idea that P would alter they way I view woman. I didn't know that it would blossom into an addiction that left me isolated, and mentally fragmented. P still feels awesome and fun to part of me. There's part of me that doesn't care about other people, isn't aware of the consequences. It's disturbing to know that I have that other self living inside me.

My triggers have changed over the years. I've been trying to get off P for a few years, so now I use it much less than before. My triggers use to be loneliness, feeling rejected by girls, boardum, interacting with an attractive girl. A couple years ago I used P every day. It's much less now.

Now days my large triggers are different. My most overarching trigger is when the girl I'm dating isn't very attractive, or I don't have a girlfriend. There was a period, about 1-2 years ago when I was very satisfied with my girlfriend. I probably went 6 months without P. Now, for the last year or so my girlfriend is not as attractive as I'd like. She's such a cool person. She's so good for me. Which is a lot of progress for me. Previously I could never have dated I girl that I didn't consider hot.

One trigger that really pushes me over the top is being around attractive girls who seem like they'd be into dating me. It makes me crazy to think I could be dating a much more attractive girl, but instead I'm with my plain, over weight, nice girl. Part of my ego just can't stand it. Yet, I know this girl is really good for me and I love her so much.

Another big trigger is seeing attractive girls in movies, or especially workout videos. I do a lot of home exercise videos like "Insanity" and "P90X". The girls in workout or yoga videos are a big trigger.

That's about it. It's been day 3 without P. It's been really hard lately.

[2frustrated]

Free,

Your honesty is commendable.

Anyone who is seriously trying to overcome their PA must extinguish the triggers. You cannot handle the workout/yoga videos right now. Get rid of them. Find ones that are male only, or some other alternative. Saying, "I'll just keep the videos and learn how to handle it," won't do. The hot girls on the videos will be their waiting for you when you are weak.

As for the hot girls in real life, look at them less. I've made an extra effort over the past several weeks to literally look away when an attractive woman crosses my path. It helps. And the less I look at them, the less I want to look at them. Of course, there are those who you cannot avoid: co-workers, peers, etc. Those people you just have to look in the eye and see them for their soul within, and not their external shell. The more you do this the more human, and less object, they will become to you.

Hang in there. The discomfort you will experience is only temporary and well worth it.

[freetobeme]

Just watched a comedy that had some unexpected nude scenes. It got me pretty excited. Oh well....no P for me. It's been a week or so without P. It's a lot easier to disregard the urge the last couple days.

[freetobeme]

Still P free...A new trigger I discovered, is family pressure to have an attractive girlfriend. My family places a very high regard on a girls physical appearance. When I'm around them I slide into a state of mind where I feel like having a hot girlfriend will be so ecstatic that I'll feel good forever. There's a certain party line, and family conditioning that suggests having a beautiful partner will lead to fulfillment. My family doesn't really realize that looks don't matter very much.

When I'm around my family I have a super strong urge to have an attractive girlfriend, and since I don't, I have a strong urge to MB with P to give me the experience of an attractive girl.

I've been in this state today, because I interacted with my family a lot.