iwanttochange - my journey to beat this addiction

[iwanttochange]

Today is Day 1.

How has my life got to this point? I now know exactly how, I have let myself get consumed in the world of P. Am I an addictive person? I never thought I was until now. I have a problem with P and It is destroying my life and my relationship with my wife.

I suppose like anybody who has an addiction they cannot break the addiction until they can admit that they have a problem with it. Regardless of the addiction the first step is admiting there is a problem.

I saw my sister die at an early age through alcholism, she could never admit she had a problem, everybody else had the problem with her addiction not her. I want to be a stronger person than I am now or than my sister ever was and I hope that by admiting my problem I can start to break this habbit.

So to start when did my addiction to P start, I have thought long and hard over this, I cannot say I was ever exposed to P at an early age or struglled with it all my life, it was 10 years ago I started to surf for P only a little at first, then it became more and more, like any addict looking for my next fix.

Why did I start to surf for P, well I can only put it down to a few factors, I had been married to my wife for about 2 years, and everything was going great, a really happy, healthy relationship, enjoying our time together in and out of the bedroom. I was also starting up a new business venture, and I was tired, stressed and worried about money I think this was the start, I was finding it difficult to perform in bed and was unable to sustain an errection.

So as any man who has suffered with this issue can relate to the feelings you have of why you cannot "perform", the additional stress it causes in your head and in your relationship. My wife was very understanding to start with, and tried to reassure me that it would be OK but me being a bloke who doesn't usually express his feelings and what is going on in his head did worry and the problem got worse.

What did I do to try and solve this problem? The completly wrong thing. I started to surf for P just a little, enough to get excited and try and be a loving husband to my wife. Boy what a mistake I had made, Yes the P got me excited but I found that I still struggled to perform in bed with my wife. This then lead me to MB whilst surfing for P. So instead of trying to work things out with my wife I had started the destructive cycle of gaining self gratification whist watching P on the net.

So over the past 8 years any intamacy with my wife has been replaced with P and MB. The feelings I have for myself now are of self loathing, that I am destoying everything that I hold dear to me. The hurt I have caused my wife, the arguments that we have had. I have never been able to admit to her my PA but she knows things are not right in our relationship by my actions or lack of them in our bedroom.

A usual argument over my lack of intamacy would be my wife getting angry with me for my non action and her telling me how she feels worthless and that I am driving a wedge between us. What would I do? My usual actions have been that of an osterich and stick my head in the sand. How have I got away with sticking my head in the sand for the past 8 years? I have never been able to face up to my demons until now. Our last "argument" has basically bought this to a head and I so hope that is has given me the courage to try and mend the damage I have caused as my wife has basically told me I have 6 months or she will leave as she cannot live in a sexless marriage anymore.

My wife, is a beautifull and strong person. I do love her with all my heart and on a whole our marriage is good, we do enjoy each others company, we are the best of friends we have similar interests and enjoy time together but we are like brother and sister more than man and wife because I have let P destroy the intamacy in our marriage. Can I admit to my wife my PA, this is a tough one and at the moment I don't know if would be the final nail in the coffin.

I don't want to loose my wife, I think that if she left and I had not done anything about my PA I would not beable to cope. I have already hurt my wife enough I already feel guilt, pain, anger and hatred towards myself for letting this happen and for her to leave when I have not tried to put things right would crusify me.

I was just about to re-write that last paragraph, why because as I have re-read it the paragraph is all me me me. I am in a very low place at the moment the feelings of self pity are strong but I must be stonger. I have decided not to re-write the paragraph I am commited to making this work and I have made a pact with myself that whatever I write down I will not change as I must be truthfull and honest with myself always to overcome this.

Actions speak loader than words where my wife is concerend. I have said I am sorry and I am going to change too many times and those words have just been empty promises. I need to act, I need to overcome this problem and break the cycle.

I know now when and why my addiction to P started. I cant say that I have "triggers" that make me go and surf for P, I have done it near on every day for past 8 years or soo that it has just become part of my every day life. My normal routine is we both get up for work, my wife leaves before me and I have about an hour and a half each morning on my own, this is my most vunrable time as I am alone. During the day at work, at times I could be alone and would surf for P too as when I get home my wife will be there and I would not get the chance too. Again more symptons of an addict trying to get a fix whenever he can.

So today is day 1, I will be strong and I will get through this, no more empty promises.

[dave42]

Great start, my friend: thorough, thoughtful, and sincere. I want to comment on this: "My normal routine is we both get up for work, my wife leaves before me and I have about an hour and a half each morning on my own, this is my most vunrable time as I am alone. " First, congratulations for figuring out that this is a very hard part of the day. My advice, CHANGE YOUR SCHEDULE IMMEDIATELY and be FANATICAL about it. Force yourself to leave the home before or at the same time as your wife every single f'ing day. Go to work early and make yourself useful. If that is not an option, go near your work and take a long, long walk each morning. Or if bad weather go to a cafe or coffeeshop and buy the morning newspaper and read it.

At work: rearrange your work area so that everyone or at least someone can see your computer screen. If necessary buy a big mirror and place it strategically. YOU MUST DISRUPT YOUR PATTERNS of addiction.

Good luck! I loved this most of all in your entry: "I have never been able to face up to my demons until now." Until now! Today you said it: I have demons: a sense of anxiety about business, self-esteem issue caused by performance, self-loathing, etc., etc., etc. You are so wise. It's these demons that are driving me and many of us to look at porn again and again and again.

I suggest you keep this in mind: now you are in with a bunch of us who are facing our demons: naming them, analysing them, figuring out ways to cope with them. You aren't alone, right? If I had a dime for each of my demons, I'd be a millionnaire (but then I'd squander my fortune on porn, so I'd be broke! You are officially part of a group of people who have said, "Today I admit it; I have an addiction. I have a bunch of demons following me around." Welcome!

[iwanttochange]

Dave, Thank you for your kind words of encouragment, It feels a little strange to be able to open up like this and talk openly and honestly about my thought's, my feelings and my PA without being judged. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I wrote day 1 yesterday.

I have read other peoples journals and all the kind words from everyone has given me the courage to change.

Regarding my routine, and again from reading other journals I can see that it is essential to change my routine to break this cycle. In the mornings I can leave early and come to work, but as I run my own business with my business partner I would sill be alone in the office with my computer maybe not a great idea at the moment? but in time when I have a better handle on my PA this could work as I'm sure my clients would apreciate all the extra work I could get done in the extra time.

So yesterday was my first full day sober, no P and no MB. How did I find it?, a little wierd, but not difficult. I found that most of yesterday when I was not busy I was contemplating the direction of my life, the hurt I have caused my wife, then I got the feelings of guilt, anger, shame and back to the self loathing.

I know these feelings can be destructive and lead to relapses but I have tried to turn these feelings into a positive. When I was feeling like this I would say to myself, "today is day 1", "take each day as it comes", "it will get better in time".

What's the saying "PMA" - Positive Mental Attitude.

Today is day 2 of being sober, so what did I do this morning to change my routine. Well I cleaned the house, top to bottom and I actually felt good doing it as I knew that it would a) keep me busy and b) suprise the hell out of the wife, lol

Well not to much of a suprise as I do a lot of the housework anyway but the main thing is that it kept me busy.

And talking of busy, I must now start some work for my clients. I'll try and check in later and give you all an update on how day 2 is progressing.

[mell]

Change,

Great first post! It is hard to admit to a problem, but you came clean. That is huge! Glad to see you following up by changing your routine. Every little bit helps.

I like your comment about not re-writing. Honesty is the key to recovery. P addiction grows from lies and deceit, honesty and openness starves it.

With very few exceptions, I post in my journal every day. It helps to get it out. Even if I have nothing relative to say, I put something down. The support here is awesome. I just went through a rough day yesterday and thanks to my support channels (both here and from SAA group) I was able to work through it and grow from it.

My best wishes to you on your journey and I hope to read more from you.

[dave42]

Sounds like you are cleaning house in more than one way: "Well I cleaned the house, top to bottom and I actually felt good doing it as I knew that it would a) keep me busy and b) suprise the hell out of the wife." Congratulations! I see your dilemma with showing up to work alone with the computer: not such a great idea: agreed! I think the other thing I want to say is that I love this passage from your post: "I know these feelings can be destructive and lead to relapses but I have tried to turn these feelings into a positive. When I was feeling like this I would say to myself, 'today is day 1', 'take each day as it comes', 'it will get better in time'." These are great models for the rest of us of how to take negative thoughts and try to turn them into something less toxic and to make them into something positive. Thanks! Keep up the good work (and the house work, too!)

[JenMac]

HI Iwanttochange!
Welcome to TTF!
So glad you found your way here!
Very thoughtful and thorough first post! Got me thinking about our situation. Both my H, Mac and I are here at this site and working together to overcome this addiction and disruption in our lives. I was interested in your thoughts about what you thought started you down this destructive path and I think we can relate to that!
As you have already seen, you will get awesome support here! Some of the wisest and kindest people reside here!
Not sure if you have considered this but what about a filter? Is there one you could put on that wouldn't easily be gotten around?
All the best to you, I!
Keep coming back! You will gain much from being here!
Jenn

[JenMac]

Forgot to add - Keep cleaning! We love it when you guys do that!!! :D:D:D

[iwanttochange]

Again thank you all for the positive comments.

today is day 3 clean and sober and feeling quite good.

I'm afraid this will be a short post as the wife and I are away for the weekend which is a positive as less time to think about P and no opertunity to relapse.

I like this being busy bit, makes me feel that I am in control and not the P.

I hope everyone here hass a good P free weekend and my heat is with those that are struggling.

I'll check back in on monday and keep you all updated on my progress.

love you all

[dave42]

Hope the weekend was lots of fun!