Second Day Drops

[Eric]

I spend my day working with my hands usually on top of a ladder. Most days I can make it all day with out dropping a single tool or a screw. But today if you where working around me you would have been glade you are wearing steel toe shoes. Today I felt like I was unable to stay on task. All that I was able to think about was that I was giving up something that I have had in my life for as long as I can remember.
I have tried to quit before but only for the short time it would have taken to get past the screaming and the name calling not to mention the uncomfortable silence that takes place between.
It has only been two days and tonight I am probably looking forward to allot of tossing and turning and starring at the ceiling fan again.
I am not new to the quitting game I have given up vises like booze,cigarettes,and drugs but to be honest with you and myself this one will probable be the toughest to kick.

[mell]

Eric,

Welcome to TTF! Glad to see you starting a journal. Mine has been a huge help for me. The support here is awesome.

I was reading another post of yours - you said that you were doing this 'mainly for you'. That is huge. I have been in and out of recovery many times. Every time before this one, I had been doing it for my wife. They all failed. This time is different for me - I'm doing it for myself, the reason I should have been seeking recovery in the first place.

If you are anything like me, P is your comfort, your 'medication' for situations you don't know how to handle. It is so hard to stop, especially in the early stages but it is so worth it. I am close to 90 days sober and I am seeing things differently. I can see the flaws in my attitude and actions and I am working hard to change. There is a withdrawal period. After that, it does get easier.

What has been a key for me is support and accountability. I suggest you look into recovery groups (SAA and SA are two popular ones and are in most areas), get a sponsor, and use the group for support.

My very best wishes to you (not luck; luck has nothing to do with it).

[2frustrated]

Your tools dropping is your addictive side throwing a temper tantrum: "No! Don't quit. We need p!" Part of your brain has been so conditioned to thriving off of p, that the prospect of quitting is certain to cause some adverse, and unpleasant, reactions. There are some good posts on this site (somewhere) about the neuro-chemical addiction of p. Reading those will help you at least understand some of the adverse feelings.

The good news is, that no matter how bad you feel, or how many fits your subconscious throws on you, the wonderful feeling you are about to experience through recovery will far exceed any of that.

[Eric]

Ever day shit that you can't avoid is really getting to me. I try very hard not to view the woman that I meet in my daily life as objects. I have found myself starring and even taking the long way to go somewhere because of what I might see. I cant put on blinders or stair at the ground when I am working some one including myself could get hurt. I also don't want the people that I have to work around to think that I am some kind of perv.

[dave42]

"taking the long way to go somewhere because of what I might see." That's the way! You are willing to go to any length to stay sober, and that's what it takes. Good for you!

[freetobeme]

Hi Eric, my brain is throwing fits right now too. I've only been sober 4 days, and it's a super hard time for me. All my triggers are being pushed right now. For me, the thing that's helping me cope the most is coming to this site and reading other people's journals. For some reason it makes me feel better because I know that I'm not the only one going through this.

Also, posting on other people's journals really helps me. There's something about giving someone else support that's really soothing. It's gets me out of my own head.

[2frustrated]

Eric,

You can be aware on the job site without checking out the hotties. I can see the lamp across from me without looking directly at it. You can see potential safety hazards (such as a hot pedestrian about to walk by) without staring directly at them. The less you look, the less you'll want to look. Just a few days of "not looking" will make a big difference.

[dave42]

Good luck, Eric! So, how is it going. I love the advice from 2frustrated and from freetobeme. Good luck to you guys, too!