Jimmy's New Journal

[jimmy78]

I had a previous journal from about two years ago, entitled “Jimmy78’s Recovery Journal”. I have decided to start a new one, as that journal was full of broken promises, half hearted entries, and basically served as an excuse to make me feel better about an issue that I had no true drive to deal with. I hope this isn’t a problem. What started out as a part time hobby as a teenager has turned into a sickness. I am at rock bottom right now with my P addiction and it’s to the point where there is no choice but to stand up to it, fight it, and rid myself of this terrible, soul sucking disease, or I will be past the point of no hope. Problem is, I just can’t seem to beat it.

Bring brutally honest here, P has destroyed me. It has taken over my life to the point where I live each hour either thinking about it, despising it, or binging on it. It’s taken the pleasure out of everyday things I used to love to do; it’s changed the person I am, the way I act, the way I think. I’m moody, depressed, paranoid, selfish; it’s made me more dependent on ever than alcohol and makes me just want to hide from the world. There are days when I go to sleep and hope to not awake. Why? Because I have the opportunity to be living this wonderful life and I simply choose not to. I have a beautiful family, a wife who loves me like the flowers love the sun, a son who adores me and thinks I am his hero. I have a job that I excel at and enjoy. And at the crux of all of this, nobody except one person knows the lies, the deceit, the pain, the sadness, and most of all, the evil grip this addiction has caused. And that one person is me.

At this point, I am losing hope of recovering. The part that eats me the most is that I love my family so dearly; I know in my heart I am a good person, but sometimes I have to question, “why do I continually do this and not even think twice about it?”. My brain is so hardwired from all the P over the years; It’s ruined me. it’s amazing how far I have sank because of it. I need help. I am dying inside, knowing that I am living a life of lies. More than anything, I am sad about the person I have let myself become, and this “double life” I am living. I want one life; one where I can say I am the person that everyone THINKS I am. Right now, I am not even close. It brings me to tears to know the sadness my wife would feel if her hero let her down. More so even, my son – I want to be a father who leads by example, who can be the best person he can be. I am not worthy of being anything to him right now. And that so truly and severely breaks my heart.

I hope this very entry, right now, is the most depressing thing I will ever write. In fact, it’s my promise to all of you, and myself. I need help, I need a plan. It’s time to start now. I have to, I have no choice. I hope I can climb out.

Jimmy

[still_trying94]

Hey. Your story sounds very similar to mine. I too fight this fight every day. Sometimes I can't understand how I can repeatedly do this to myself and my family. Just put everything at risk day after day. Sounds like this is your secret; you haven't told your wife. Me either. A lot of people on this board think the best thing to do is be open & honestly with your SigOther so they can support you. I feel that I don't want to put this on her. I really feel like I should be able to do this on my own without bringing hurt into the equation. I have not successfully beat this yet, but I feel like I'm getting closer.

People on here are going to think I'm selling these, but I highly recommend reading The Porn Trap. I'm in the middle of reading it right now and it has really changed the way I think of things and has brought to light things I never would have thought of. I fell off the wagon yesterday after 11 days. In the past, that would have sent me into oblivion for weeks. But I am right back on here today starting over. I feel strong and positive. The Porn Trap. Check it out. You can find it in PDF format too since, like me, I'm assuming you don't want it sitting on your coffee table!

Good luck. Feel free to check out my journal or PM me. I've been looking for some sort of accountability partner on here for awhile.

[2frustrated]

Jimmy,

There is no such thing as being too far gone. People have descended to much lower depths than you, and have arisen out to be better than could have possibly imagined. No matter how you feel, don't lose hope. Today is today, and your feelings are but shadows and dust. The self you want to be is waiting in the wings, and will prevail. I know it feels SO horrible to carry the weight of dirty secrets, duplicitousness, and wasted time; but that feeling will go away. I will even dare to say that, in the end, you'll find yourself the better for all of this. Hang in there, and take things one moment at a time. The universe isn't resting on your shoulders.

[jimmy78]

Thanks to both of you for the messages. It's much appreciated and I already feel slightly better.

To still_trying94 - yeah, I am keeping this a secret. For the first time ever, I have actually contemplated telling her and coming clean. But, like you, I just don't want to bring her into the mix. Maybe I am being foolish, but I can only see that making things ten times worse. There is enough stress in our lives as it is, that I really don't see how me stating my issues can help right now. I'd love to be able to tell her about it after the fact, when clean and sober. Thanks for the post; I'll certainly check your jorunal out - you have my support!

2frustrated - thanks! I am notrmally not this depressed but man, it has hit me today HARD. I realize things will get better but only if I take the initiative to do so. That has been my whole problem; keeping the focus to STAY clean, not just accepting a few days or a week here and there as an accomplishment (and then back to it again).

Thanks to both of you for the support.

[chasman62]

Jimmy:

First of all welcome back to TTF. Very moving post that of course speaks to the heart of this issue for all of us. Don't worry about letting it all hang out here as it were, that is what this community is for.

You will find plenty of advice all over the place here, plus the testaments of those who have found a path out of their own personal hell (including me).

I guess why question would be what is different this time? Do you believe that you have reached bottom and are willing to entertain any options that will free you from this, even if those options may entail a great deal of short term pain.

I am not going to revisit the whole, "should I tell me SO" theme again because that debate has been chronicled in several places on this website and creates a lot of heat every time, and usually not much light. You can read that for yourself and reach your own conclusion about the opinions of the TTF community (though I do suggest paying particular attention to what the SOs have to say).

I wish you well and look forward to seeing you progress upwards from where you are today!

Chas

[jimmy78]

Hey Chas,

Thanks for the response.

It’s different now, because for the first time, I am actually scared that the game is up. It’s just a matter of time before I slip up, before my wife catches me, and before my whole world as I know it crumbles… I have been pushing this way too far and eventually it’s going to catch up. As I initially said, I have been physically ill at times over this as well; who knows what I am doing to my body keeping these emotions bottled up inside… it can’t be good! I am now noticing for the first time as well how depressed I actually am (which makes me notice for the first time what a drag I must be to be around!). That alone is providing an unhealthy environment for my family. And lastly, I am really starting to realize how desensitized I have become thanks to all this. I mope around like an emotionless robot on cruise control; it’s almost as if I am not human at times, but a machine with no emotions.

I still have enough left in this soul to admit that I need help, and WANT to change things. With that being said, I do believe that I have it in me to rebound and get to a place in my life that could certainly be ideal. It’s a long road though; I’m just frankly fearful that I will make initial progress but relapse, which is what has happened on previous tries.

I just want to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and eventually wake up one day and be proud of the person, husband and father that I am. That’s all I want.

[JenMac]

Welcome Jimmy! I am glad you are here! Your story is so sad to me. I am an SO here and I have been here, along with my H, for about 7 months time.
I think it is admirable that you are seeking this forum and all of the support you will find here, of your own volition. It speaks volumes that you are recognizing this problem for what it is and have the desire/need to rid yourself of this soul destroying addiction.
You seem to be aware of how this is affecting you, how this is sucking the life from you. That is a good thing!
There are many great people here who will understand what you are experiencing. They will be a lifeline as you seek to come to terms with this.
I know you do not want to share this with your wife at this time and that of course is your decision. The only comment I have about that, is that if discovered by her without you confessing, you will have lost your opportunity to be honest and forthcoming about the problem ahead of that discovery. Difficult whichever way you choose, no question but your choice never the less.
I am glad to see so many jumping in to welcome you back Jimmy!
Wishing you all the best in your fight! Keep coming back!
There is strength to be gained by being here!
Jenn

[jimmy78]

Thanks Jenn - your words, as everyone else's, provide a ton of encouragement!

It's been approx 24 hours since I last looked at P - and I am going to get off this computer now and leave for work to make sure that continues. Day 1 started yesterday... One day at a time.

Check in soon!

Jimmy

[conquer]

Jimmy. Reading your journal has been emotional for me as I can really feel and understand your sadness. One of the great things about this site I think is that people here can understand and appreciate the difficulties we face and we are not alone. When I first found this site it was a relief to understand that it was just not me who suffered from this addiction.
I wanted to wish you the best with giving up this addiction. I have tried many times to give up and have always failed (so far!). I usually manage about 2 weeks and then it all becomes too much for me and I give in. On the times I have lasted more than 2 weeks I have noticed a slight increase in my mood and outlook. I am currently 3 weeks and 2 days and I try to concentrate on how bad/depressed/low I feel after I have used p as my feelings of guilt and worthlessness usually last about a week or more and all things I need to do or was stressed about doing, suddenly become much harder. Not to mention of course the effect on my relationships.
So my 4/5 hour binge of stress relief results in more than 1 week of feeling shit and not really being able to do anything or be close to anyone.
I really hope you can keep going and start to feel better about yourself. Reading your journal I get the impression you are a great person so I hope you can begin to believe that again.

[Daniel]

jimmy,

I remember your past journal and activity here, and I am extremely happy to see you back and clearing the decks for a new and hopefully permanent journey to freedom.

It is achievable -know that first.

I am experiencing at this moment freedom from P and have been since March 26, 2008.

Many others are also free long-term: FoolishMind, Dominus, Rowlf, Farmer, artguy34, chasman, Mac, BlueHubby, Sonoma.

Many others are experiencing victory lately and continue to work their plans.

Prior to March 26, 2008, you could insert my name at the bottom of your introductory post in this new journal -because that was ME. Your self-described misery really touched a nerve as I felt EXACTLY the same way.

Only in my case, the rafters did come down on my head, as I admitted to Mrs. Daniel I was looking at P early one morning when she all but caught me red handed.

It's a hard thing to hit the bottom. And every PA will have a different sort of bottom to hit. In my case the emotional trauma was extreme. But it was also very liberating.

I hear a man at the bottom when I read your posts this time around. I hope it is true. Because if it is, then you may well be on your way to permanent freedom.

Daniel