round and round we go....

[hittheroad]

well i've never written a journal before, but it is a good way to be honest. I have been addicted to pron since I got the internet in the late 90's. I have always had mags and vids but it really got out of hand when i got the internet. I began a new secret life where i would drift off into pornland and become another person for a while, this would always end in a huge orgasm, then regret later for the absolute waist of time and the stress that goes with keeping a secret is huge - I know that now.

i am married (since 96) have 2 biys aged 2 and 5. I have been caught twice many years ago but managed to squeeze my way around it. it sought professional help in 2004 for my issue but also lied to the therapist! yeh how dumb. anyway its still going on.

my first exposure to a nude was a mag my dad had in his cupboard. It was a men only from about '74. It really wowed me, "wow a real nude body" - sort of inmprinted. I found more mags and when ever I got the chance I would go take a peak. I think my dad had long since forgotten about them. There was penthouse, playboy etc etc.

I then stole these mags and hid them in my own bedroom. Made a cavity behind my wardrobe that only i knew about - here starts the secrecy.

I also saw girls in early high school as highly sexualised beings. I loved looking, touching, always flirting etc.

I collected porn from then on (and also dumped it if I though I was going to get caught) but soon missed it again and began collecting more.

Once 18 I started visiting the adult vid shops and spent crazy money on mags and vids - getting more hardcore all the time

....to be continued

[hittheroad]

After reading Gail Dines book, 'Pornland', I realise that early on I was looking at the world through 'porn eyes'. Meeting a girl would be "I wonder what's under there", showing porn to girlfriends, acting out porn sex etc.

I always had a box of porn at the ready, even after I was married. Like many guys I told my wife that its healthy for our relationships - a poor excuse for just getting part permission to keep some in the house so I could look in private.

Looking back I guess I really started to get hooked when I would come home from work early just to look through mags/vids rather than do something productive like sport, socialising, being creative.

When we first got the internet in 1998 I was astounded with the ease that I could look at whatever I wanted. It's here that my particular preferences kicked in. I realised I could look at just the things I wanted. Wow, how powerful!

Since then I have MB to P. My sessions go for between 2-4 hours and occurr ever 2-4 days. This leaves me feeling pretty flat (sexually). When I get a build up the my head turns to porn and I can't stop the feeling until I get a release again.

That's why I called this thread, round and round....

Thanks, comments welcome.

[JenMac]

Welcome Hittheroad!
Glad you found your way here to TTF! It is a great place for you to be at this time. You will find support, encouragement and wisdom here. There are many others who share your journey and are a wealth of knowledge for you. Read up and learn from others who have experienced what you are going through.
If your wife is aware of your issues, perhaps she would join us as well. There are many wonderful SOs here who can relate to what she is experiencing at this time too.
You have done well to start here at TTF, as well as doing reading about the industry and how this is affecting you. That is so very important in all of this.
My H Mac and I have belonged to TTF for the past 6 months and we have found it incredibly helpful to both of us, as individuals and as a couple, dealing with this dreadful intrusion into our lives.
We are both on a road to recovery and feel dedicated to each other's wellbeing as well as our own. It has been a long hard road but one that we feel will be so worth it in the end.
So happy you have chosen to walk that path too HTR!
It may be hard but necessary for you to regain your sense of selfworth, your confidence and your true spirit!
Best wishes to you and yours!
Jenn