Mark's Recovery Journal

[markneedssupport]

I know a lot of other people are making a recovery journal and I reallly thought it was a good idea so I have decided to as well. I have been dealing with my PA for years now I realize I can't just try to quit I need to quit. My PA has hurt me and continues to hurt me badly I have lost friends because of it and wasted a lot of time. My PA has caused me to become more of a recluisive individual I don't go out nearly as much as I used to. I don't have the confidence I used to have with girls. This addiction is just hurting me... and I want it to stop. I want to go out again, I want to hang out with friends again, I want to spend my evenings doing something productive or at least fun, I want my confidence back. It isn't that I can not talk to girls it's just that I don't and I don't know why I used to all the time. I have oppertunities to talk to them and I pass them by I used to talk to them make an effort to be a nice person now I simply ignore them and I know it has really hurt some people. I talk to someone one day and completely ignore them the next it never used to be like this I used to continue to talk to them continue to make new friends... now I don't. I want to be the friendly outgoing person I used to be I want to change I want to stop not being outgoing with girls... I'm hoping that writing down my thoughts will help I pray to God it will.

[Mac]

Mark
Welcome to the TTF site. You have come to a great place with resourses that are only as limited as you make them.
Take some time to get familiar with the site, do some digging around, you will be amazed at the different places you can find help. The main thing is to just share the good and bad with your friends here, chances are whether it be, bad or good someone here has also experienced what you are going through. You are not alone in this, remember that.
You certainly decribe all kinds of things that have brought you to the conclusion that you have a problem.
The road to recovery is a long one but you have to start somewhere and you just have. Stick with the site, read other PA's journals, grasp onto whatever information you can put your hands on, try to change your routines so you are away from the computer during idle time.
Just some suggestions to get you started, coming here to read and post will help you feel connected to people with the same chalenges.

Good luck to you
MaC

[2frustrated]

Focus on recovery, and the rest will follow . . .

[markneedssupport]

Well I wrote about a page to my journal than when it hit submit I was informed that I wasn't logged in. Well just writing my thoughts down helped a lot so I am not going to do it right now. Stay strong everyone.

[boris]

Welcome Mark,

You at the right place for help in breaking the P/MB addiction cycle. There's a wealth of information and support here. Check out some of the journals and you'll gain much insight, from others experiences.

Regarding the problem with posting in your journal:

I've experienced the same thing. The way I get around it is as follows:

When you're finished with your entry (or reply in someone else's journal) highlight and copy the entire entry. Then submit it.

If you get the message that you are not logged on, or that you have to refresh, then do so, and paste your entry and resubmit. This way you don't lose all that you've written.

It took me a few times, but now it's no big deal.

I wish you the best in achieving your goals,
Boris

[markneedssupport]

Dear Journal

I'm now a little over two days sober. I guess to a lot of people that isn't much of an accomplishment but, for me its pretty huge! It has been a long time since I have gone even a day without P. To be honest it doesn't feel that good. I am glad that I am finally taking the steps to ending my PA but, my urges really are very strong. However, I guess I have to remember that it really isn't just about me. What if some of the people that are still pretty close to me found out? I know that the majority of me would not approve of my PA and some might even be deeply hurt. My feelings aren't all bad right now the only bad feelings I am feeling right now are my urges to look at P. I know, however, that looking at P is only going to hurt me more. P hurts me emotionally pretty badly I have even fallen into a sort of depresssion after looking at P for extended period of time. It really isn't worth it I know I feel a lot better when I am not looking at P. I feel more in control of myself, I am more productive, and I feel more comfortable talking to women. I don't really understand how that works.... When I don't look at P I'm more comfortable talking to women and have more self confidence. Maybe its because I don't have that guilt hanging over my head all the time. I am actually a little excited to be done with my PA. Do these urges to look at P ever go away? I find that they are triggered so easily
- watching TV and an attractive women in a commercial shows up
- a sex scene in a movie I am watching
- An attractive women on the saide of a bus or billboard
- Hanging out with an attractive girl. This one ashames me the most if I spend the day hanging out with an attractive girl I have huge urges to look at P. I think this may be another subconscious reason why I have a harder time talking to women than I did when I wasn't addicted to P.
- Attractive women on msn.com

I don't really know right now if I have more triggers. Well I guess that pretty much sums up just about everything that I am feeling right now. I guess I have to take it one day at a time and keep the mindset that I am not making an attempt to quit P but, I am QUITTING P. Stay strong everyone & God Bless.
P.S. Glad I copied like advised to :)

[markneedssupport]

Hey Journal

This whole talking to my journal/myself thing is kind of weird but, nobody knows who I am on here anyway. Its all new and strange to me but, I think it is actually helping so I am willing to keep doing it if that is what its going to take to get me to stop watching P. Just day two and I am finding things pretty difficult I was just enjoying some idle time when well I became pretty aroused and almost looked at porn. I am glad that for once I was actually able to stop before it had gone too far. I am pleased to say that I am still sober. Just logging on now to sort of distract myself and reflect on it. I have a feeling I am going to keep telling myself this. P may make you happy for a while but, after you have well finished up you know you never know you always feel depressed afterward. Remember when you didn't watch P life was actually a lot simpler than if you think about it possibly happier as well. Don't let your mind trick you into doing things you know you shouldn't. Well the urges are starting to go away. I still want to look at P but, I feel as if I am in control again. I'm starting to feel a little like a crazy person the way I have been writing these journals the last couple of days but, again who cares as long as it works.

[boris]

Hey Mark,

Don't worry about writing like a crazy man. What's crazy about spending hours staying sober? Crazy is spending hours in isolation, feeding a P addiction, alienating oneself from society, relationships and happiness. You aren't crazy at all.
As you remain sober, you will begin to stop viewing women a s*x objects, and that will make it easier to converse and socialize, and build pursue health relationships.

Some of the feelings you are experiencing are absolutely normal. The important thing is not to give into them. As time goes on, the urges will lessen, and when they do arise, you will be less inclined to give into them. It does take time though, to change your brain chemistry- about a month. Some of us have done that by abstaining from any type of s*xual activity, including Mb. In essence, you are giving your brain a chance to cool down and reset. It may sound extreme, but after you do it you will feel very empowered.

You're right that life was simpler without P, and it will be once again. But for right now, being here on TTF is your first step to regaining that simplicity. So continue to write obsessively here. It will fill you with the resolve to be successful in staying clean and sober.

All the best,
Boris

[markneedssupport]

Dear Journal

Finally reached seven days sober it wasn't easy and I'm not going to pretend that I didn't slip up at all. After logging out of my hotmail I saw the usual celebrity new and the like. Usually I don't bother clicking on it but, it was about hot celebrities. Well I took a look at it and eventually I was searching hot celebrities that I knew and finally I was just looking at attractive girls. I only saw a couple nudes and clicked on a link that was clearly porn (luckily it didn't work) to be honest I felt kind of bad afterward. I know looking at that kind of thing never really bothered me in the past but, I realize that I am lusting after the girls when I do that. It bothered me which I guess makes me happy. Well I guess I have to be careuful not to slip up again. I don't believe that I looked at porn but, I did come very close. I am just glad that I came to this site before I really got into it. Next time I have feelings like this I am going to go to this site right away and just right about or leave the computer. Well good luck to everyone else out there.

[markneedssupport]

Nearly twelve days sober this is by far the longest I have ever been sober in a long time. I still have thoughts about P but, not nearly as often as I did before. I am making a lot of progress when it comes to controlling my browsing habits. I have not searched P material in quite a while. The urges are still there but, I am able to say no and it is a good feeling. I feel as if I am more in control of who I am. I am the one making the decisions not my sex drive which is awesome. 12 days almost half a month I am positive I can do it. Best of luck to all other addicts out there.