Dispatches from the zone

[Edge]

I'm Eric, 42, a recovering sex/porn addict from New Jersey, USA. I'm married (we celebrated our 13th anniversary in September) with 2 young children. I've lived with this insidious addiction for most of my life. My dad enjoyed porn, and regularly bought 'adult' magazines and kept an easily accessible collection in the home he shared with my mother. I discovered dad's stash at the tender age of 7 or 8, and I was off to the races. My parents divorced when I was 9, due largely to my dad's multiple infidelities - the porn certainly didn't help either. Those first porn images burned themselves into my young brain, and set me on a course toward addiction. At puberty, I discovered the comfort and escape of masturbation. In high school, I saw my first x-rated movie on VHS, and started buying my own porn mags. I also discovered 1-900 numbers and the wonders of phone sex. In my early 20's, I visited my first 'Adult Bookstore', and experienced the wonders of coin-operated peep show movies. In my mid-20's, after my future wife and I were in a committed relationship, the Internet came on the scene, and man, that was all she wrote.

Fast forward to today. I attend meetings of Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), and the temptations of porn and masturbation are ever-present. I'm definitely in a better place than I was 5 years ago, but I'm NOT cured and have proven time and again I will easily slip back into active and insane addiction if I'm not vigilant.

So, that's my first journal post. I plan to use the journal as a way to vent and share my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors (good and bad) on a daily basis.

Peace,
Eric

[Crisodian]

Eric,
Welcome to your journal. :) Keeping a journal is a great way to share, not only what you are going through daily, but what has worked and not worked for you in the past and get input from others on strategies that work. One analogy I like to use is an online journal is like a diary that talks back.

AG's journal (artguy34 - my H) really helped him stay focused on the goal of zero relapse and get invaluable input from others to help him with his recovery.

Find peace,
~C~

[Edge]

I can't adequately convey the depth of my gratitude for the encouraging, inspirational, welcoming and down-to-earth fellowship and support on TTF. This is a terrific online community!

I am sober this morning - no porn, no masturbation, minimal fantasizing (which is really just porn running inside my head).

One of the greatest challenges for me in recovery, on a daily basis, is recognizing that, as a porn addict, I need to interact with the world differently than non-addicts do. Whereas civilians (non-addicts) can watch a movie, read a book, listen to music, view art, and go to the beach without a second thought, if I *don't* give these decisions a second thought, I can easily end up in trouble. And this realization SUCKS. I feel like such a square and a sissy-boy when I turn off a provocative TV program, stop reading a racy scene in a book, and opt not to click a link to a potentially triggering non-porn website.

As a man, I'm conditioned to believe that I can 'handle' whatever life and the universe throw at me, and to feel shame if I can't handle things. So, porn presents a double-whammy, because I can't 'handle' it, and the resulting shame creates a vicious circle, triggering me to seek out porn to feel better. Bad, bad.

I wish us all a safe, sober and sane weekend.
Eric

[Sonomette]

You have a lot of insight into yourself, why you want to quit, and the habits that keep you going back. That will prove to be a strong weapon in your fight against P.

I'm looking forward to continuing to read this journal and celebrating your successes with you!!

[Edge]

Since beginning my addiction recovery, an ongoing hangup for me has been how I share my boundaries with other people without 'outing' myself as a porn addict. Example: I'm in a group of people, and we want to see a movie. If I know upfront it's not a movie I should see, or if I know nothing about it and it turns out to include racy scenes, how do I respond. I don't want to lie, but I also don't necessarily want to let others know about my addiction.

I've finally decided on a truthful answer that should settle the matter: "This conflicts with my personal/spiritual beliefs, and I'm not comfortable continuing to watch this."

I can't afford any longer to just 'suck it up' and do or say nothing, grin and bear iti. There's a better way.

[Cupcakemomma]

THAT is a great response Eric. You are really on a good path! :D

[Edge]

Though I did not act out this past weekend, for which I'm grateful, I did experience moments of temptation and craving. An essential component of my recovery plan is that I do not go online at home. Our home computer is fully locked-down, and my wife needs to sign me in if I want to use the Internet. These safeguards certainly aid my recovery, but it's easy for me to fall into a false sense of security.

Our local convenience store sells porn magazines, in addition to eggs, milk, candy and lottery tickets. I will admit, it's always tempting to 'just look' and scan the magazine rack when I'm in there. And I have purchased porn there in the past. It's not practical for me to avoid the place altogether, so I only go briefly and with a specific purchase in mind, and it's even better if I have one of my kids with me, when I can focus on buying them a sweet treat and not even think of glossy mags.

I must also admit that, for me, porn and masturbation can be mutually exclusive. I don't need porn to masturbate, and vice versa. However, one does tend to lead to the other, and together, they're a powerful force.

[Edge]

I received an email invitation to a bachelor party in honor of a cousin who will be married in January. The groom lives out of state, so I won't be attending either the bachelor party or the wedding. Even if he lived down the street, I would probably decline to attend the bachelor party, knowing that most such events include 'adult entertainment' that I DON'T need to see.

Well, in reading the invitation, I was pleased to find that the festivities consist of dinner, drinks and cigars at a steakhouse, with NO mention of 'adult entertainment'. It's possible that the party will be in a private room, and an 'entertainer' will provide an after-dinner show, but I definitely don't get that impression.

If I lived near the groom, there's a good chance I'd go to this one, though I'm not a cigar afficianado.