The Beginning

[NYR]

Today is Day 3 of sobriety for me. I've been sober from P several times before, once for 9 months, but I have never (until now) really tried to avoid MB as well. I am only 18, so it has been hard for me not to MB as I am young and have a pretty powerful sx (im not supposed to write out the full word, right?) drive. I have decided to limit myself to MB only once a week.

It's unbelievable how much better I feel after only 3 days. I've been longer than this before, but not for almost 3 years. I have more energy and self-esteem and I can concentrate better. I also feel like more of a "man" somehow.

I guess I should start a journal with some of my pros and cons?

Pros:
- I'm starting young so I have a head start on destroying this addiction and can hope to live most of my life P free
- I don't think I'm as addicted as many people here, which I am grateful for.
- I'm in college and have a roommate, so I am very busy and don't have much time alone in my room.

Cons:
- I'm single and 18, so I have a powerful sx drive and no reliable way of getting release other than MB (random stuff is possible but nothing to count on for me). I also don't have an SO to encourage me. I didn't have much trouble not watching P for 9 months because my ex-girlfriend asked me to stop and I have a powerful guilty conscience. Once we broke up, though, it was right back on.
- I've been looking at hardcore P since I was 14-15, so I have almost "trained" myself to be aroused by images. Although I have managed to have normal relations with plenty of girls, I have suffered from ED every time I have tried to have actual intercourse and I believe that excessive MB and P are contributing factors.

Honestly, it was the ED that inspired me to stop this time. I can't bear the idea that P and MB may have made it impossible for me to have sex. I'm way too young to have such an embarrassing and frustrating problem.

Thanks

[Sonomette]

Good job on three days! No journey to a month, a year, or a decade can start without those three first days!

And also good for you for recognizing that you don't want to be dealing with this problem down the road. I don't know if you've taken a look around in the So's journals, but in them you'll be able to see what kind of damage you will be avoiding by making this choice now.

Here's something to consider: While the ED might be a result of too much MB/P, it also might be worth seeing your doctor about as it can have other causes too. I know you're young, and it might be a bit of a sensitive topic for you to bring up, but it's so much better to be safe than sorry. Your doctor likely has seen and heard it all before, and will make you feel comfortable as possible in talking about it. Just a thought. :)

[Mefree]

NYR,

Welcome to TTF!

I'm a single PA as well, and I've been here for almost a year now. While I was in college a year ago, I had to take an "investment year", as I've learned it's called, for financial reasons, and am enrolling again this fall.

First off, you're getting off to a great start! You have a sound list of why you want to be P-free, and obviously the willpower. In the early stages of my recovery, what tripped me up is applying what I learned. Make sure you have a plan for inevitable urges, and appreciate the fact you're in a social place where escapes from your dorm are readily available.

I had tried (in vain) to control MB in my first couple months, but learned quickly it was only a catalyst that led me back to P. I now abstain from it wholly, which is difficult at times, but more than worth it.
I'm not impressing this approach upon you; I'm just saying be careful about MB and where it can take you.

Last note: watch out for triggers, and avoid tempting situations. Make a list of things that trigger you specifically. It's said often that triggers are everywhere, and that fact is doubly true in college.

Good luck! Keep us posted often.

[NYR]

not doing so great right now. I MBed on Sunday which was fine in accordance with my once a week plan, but I also MBed last night. I didn't feel too bad, but I thought "It's a slippery slope". Guess what...

Today my roomate goes to the gym, taking his lock with him. The password to my K9 filter is in the drawer (I stuck it in there under a bunch of crap, he doesn't even know I keep it there). You can guess the rest.

So I feel pretty bad right now....

[NYR]

just relapsed again... I upped the security on my K9 filter but I still found ways to watch P. I'm honestly not sure what I can do at this point except maybe buy Covenant Eyes and find an accountability partner? Even K9 didn't stop me

[mell]

NYR,

Is there anybody you can talk to about this? Even a generic support group? I know it's hard to open up, especially to strangers, but it seems to me there are many times that you are alone. Not good for you. Just having someone to be able to say "I'm struggling right now" to might be a big help.

[NYR]

So I've been back at it for a while now... I can easily bypass K9 by ***************** and I don't see any way of stopping myself especially cause I have no way of even changing K9 settings since I don't know the password. I just feel so scattered and numb from all the P. I read somewhere on this forum that you need to be P free to really "see" the world and I completely understand what he meant. It's like my vision is blurry and I'm walking around in my own little bubble. I just stay in my head, unconfident, insecure, and shy. I have little energy and have trouble concentrating.

I'm going to try to go to SAA on Tuesday but I don't know if I'll have the courage to. Even going to a therapist a few years ago was nerve-wracking for me, so it's going to be really difficult to go to a meeting of a group of strangers in an unfamiliar city. I'm also afraid there won't be any other young people there.

I decided to write up a contract with myself, but I need someone real (as in, not online) to talk to about this. I only have one friend I'd really trust to be my accountability partner and I am afraid to ask her to be my Covenant Eyes buddy haha.

Also I guess I'd like to talk to my dad but I would want it to be in person and I'll be at college 900 miles away until Thanksgiving.

I just wish I was religious... it would make this a hell of a lot easier

Thanks for reading

PS Thanks for the edit JenMac, I didn't even think of that

[mamer70]

Howdy NYR,

Just because one may be religous does not mean that this problem of ours will be easier. In fact, I used to beat myself up over porn more severly when I believed in GOD than I do now I think. I was accountable to two back then, God and myself. Now its just me. Still gets me down though. I am back here again trying to avoid the temptation myself. Today is day 1 for me. I wish you the very best in your endeavours.

Mamer

[mell]

NYR,

Glad to hear you are going to give SAA a try. No matter how nervous you are, GET THERE! SAA is a great way to meet people face to face. I was very nervous when I went to my first meeting too. You just have to go. Nobody will judge you, only offer support and encouragement. It is such a help just to hear others sharing their struggles.

This addiction includes people from all walks of life, there is no 'typical' addict. You will more than likely find someone you can establish a bond with (common interests, lifestyles) and use as an acountability partner or sponsor.

So get to that meeting! I hope to hear how it went.

[NYR]

So I have relapsed twice in the past few days. I have both a filter and X3watch installed but I can get around both of them. I honestly don't think there is any way that I can electronically keep myself away from P because I know ways around pretty much everything.
I guess I have to summon the courage to go to SAA. I was too scared to go the other day. I'm really embarrassed/terrified to go.