Pursuing Victorious Peace

[spalmer69]

Thursday October 7, 2010

I am extremely thrilled to be here at TTF and am looking forward to sharing my story and my adventure with those who are wanting to have it shared with them.

A lot to write and I will get on it as soon as I get home from work in a few hours =D>

Scott

[spalmer69]

Thursday October 7, 2010

MY STORY

My story with P begins as a kid. Im not sure how old I was but I do remember being young. I remember my dad keeping his lunch bag by the front door so he could just grab it as he left for work every morning. I remember snooping, as most kids do, to see what he had in that bag. I remember finding VHS tapes in there and not really knowing what they were. Even after reading the titles, I was clueless. I remember grabbing one of them out of his bag one morning before school. He had to have been off that day because I know we used to get up around the same time. I popped that thing into the basement VCR and my affection with P was born. Of course the tapes were the only availability I had to any kind of P. I was too young to buy any magazines in the stores so I went with what I had available to me. It was kind of cool (at that time) because I rarely had to watch the same ones twice. Him and his co-workers used to exchange them amongst each other. I had a different one every 3-4 days. It was basically just videos for the longest time. When I could get my hands on them. As Ive said in a few posts during my brief time here at TTF, I remember being told around the age of five that I was adopted. Now I am no Dr. Phil or anything but I think that left me with a feeling of not being wanted. If someone gave me up for adoption, they obviously didnt want me. At that age, I couldnt rationalize that my adoptive parents wanted me...thats why they adopted me after all!! I just remember being really shy growing up. I wouldnt say withdrawn, but I certainly didnt like to have any kind of attention thrown my way. I had a lot of friends. From various cliques. I was well liked and somewhat popular, but I was not the class clown or anything like that. I basically was the one watching things go on instead of participating. I just kinda hung back in the pack. I think, because of those feelings of being adopted, I pretty much always tried keeping everyone at bay. Not really letting ANYONE in. Rarely did I ever even let my parents in. I was not rude or disrespectful. I just wasnt a big talker and never really let them know what was on my mind. I think I figured out at the young age that this thing known as porn....was a way for me to feel good without having to let anyone get close to me. My parents are, and always have been great people. Ive never even considered trying to locate my birth parents. I couldnt have asked for a better set of parents. Having said that....they never had "the talk" with me. Those tapes are how I learned about sex. Didnt really know about love and respect and all that other stuff. Something else that went along with the porn was the fact that Ive had a foot fetish ever since I can remember. Not only was I thinking about the content I had seen on those tapes. I was also obsessed with this particular body part on a female lol Ive done a lot of reading the last few years about what causes one to have a fetish such as that. Ive never really gotten any answers. I just accept the fact that I have it and move on. I'd say Ive been more obsessed with that over the years than I have been with the actual porn. Im not proud to admit this but I am on my third marriage. This one is one I really care about and am willing to work my butt off for. I always THOUGHT I knew what love was. It wasnt until I met this woman,,,that I REALLY knew what it was and actually felt it. Without having to force it or fake it. She knew early on about my fetish and God love her....even though she may not have totally understood it, she was always willing to allow me to scratch that itch when it came to the fetish. Even after marriage..if she wasnt in the mood for physical contact, she would always allow me to indulge at the "foot" of the bed for a few minutes.
TO BE CONTINUED.............

[spalmer69]

In time, I did eventually disrespect the fact that she was willing to share that with me. I disrespected it by continue to going to foot fetish sites that I had frequented over the years. Not really to MB, although I did do that a few times, but to just look at updated pictures and whatnot. The fetish sites that I was visiting were not your typical porn sites. They were sites that had women just modeling their feet. I wasnt going there for the naked body at all. The models most always clothed. Im not sure things would have turned that bad though had I just told her and not tried to hide it. Being sneaky about it. Where I really went wrong though I was talking to a friend on a social networking site one night, after my wife went to bed, and talking about her feet. I think it was something about a nail color or something. Doesnt matter. I should NOT have been talking about something that turns me on with someone other than my wife. While I may have tried to make it look like not a big deal at the time...it WAS. VERY disrespectful. She did see that one after guessing my password. She guessed correctly ;) There were some actual porn related issues that arose during our first year and a half too. Im not going to try to deny that or even minimize it. Everything I did was wrong, sneaky and disrespectful. Even though I trusted my wife more than anyone else Id ever encountered in my life.....I was always giving her a hard time about the computer. Myspace. Facebook. Always afraid she would be sneaking around talking to someone on there when I wasnt around. I mean I went OVERBOARD with it. Even got a little pissy when I found out they were having her bridal shower at an out of town sports bar. I felt threatened by the word "bar" if I will not be there with the person I love. Thats due to some other relationship issues Ive had happen to me over the years. Bottom line is....I think I was acting that way MOSTLY out of guilt that I was doing a few things here and there. She calls it manipulating. While I didnt like being accused of that at first. I do believe she is right. I do believe I was doing it subconsciously.
TO BE CONTINUED AGAIN :).....

[spalmer69]

Back after a few days. I've kind of lost my rhythm. haha
Really don't know where to pick up. I was very much in love with my wife. Am STILL very much in love with my wife. Ive always loved touching her. Just a simple hand on the small of her back as she went through a door. A hand gently on her waist or hip as we laid in bed together. She drove me nuts sexually. We never had any crazy wild monkey sex or anything. Us guys like to get a little crazy sometimes, but it never really bothered me as much. I LOVED the simple "making love" side of it and for the first time in my life I actually FELT it with someone. I would find myself doing the corny laying in bed and just watching her sleep. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I do mean that sincerely. I honestly dont understand why I felt the need to look at other stuff. I dont agree with the conclusion that "she wasnt enough for you." SHE WAS!!! So why did I??? It sounds like a cop out but I think I had just gotten into certain habits during the single years before her and while things did become less frequent, they were still there every now and then. As much as I hate admitting this, I have to put it out there. Maybe Im making a fool of myself for offering up too much information. Maybe Im not supposed to do this here. I dont know but.....during the time before her and I met, I found that videos of women sleeping turned me on. It really wasnt even a case of the "taking advantage" fantasy or whatever. Simple sleeping. I remember seeing a few videos on youtube, of all places. Of people opening a girlfriends eye while sleeping. The sleeping subject unaware of course. It WAS creepy. Yet, I experimented one night and did it to my wife. Snapped a picture even. I KNOW I know...thats wrong and it did make me feel weird. I deleted the few pictures. Or thought I did. She happened to find them on my laptop. Needless to say she was not happy. She did try to get past it however. The bad thing about all of this that I didnt even think about at the time is, she had told me when we started dating that she was a victim of her stepfathers advances on her as a teenager. He was a photographer I guess and he would manipulate her in order to take pictures of her. Im not sure if they were nude or not. Doesnt matter. I guess there was intercourse that followed. Against her will of course. I cant believe I didnt take this stuff into consideration. I despise myself for all of that. Things came to a head in November. She informed me that her and her kids were leaving. Found a home to rent and were leaving. Of course I tried talking to her, trying to talk her out of it. It was absolutely PAINFUL for me but obviously not near as much pain as she had been in. Going through the holidays without her and her kids...devastating. During our 5 month separation, I stayed off my computer for the most part. Used it for things I absolutely had to use it for. After about a week, I decided to just break down and ask for Gods forgiveness and promised him I would put forth my best effort to turn my life around. Not just the disgusting things I was into but my view of myself. The self consciousness. The lack of confidence. I spent 5 months reading. I just read and read. I took notes on what I was reading. I had 3 binders full of notes separated into sections for each book I was reading. I was actually enjoying it! I continued seeing my counselor who I initially went to see BECAUSE of my other issues (the confidence, self conscious stuff). Of course during the separation we integrated the separation and relationship issues with those other issues. It helped. It helped a lot. When I did feel the need to release steam (MB), It was always thinking about my wife. I knew I would bust my butt hard enough to win her back. I HAD to look at it that way. It kept me going. I read books on marriage and relationships. All Christian based books. I started going to Church again. I felt I had to. Not just for the relationship but to please God and show him that I was doing everything to help myself first and foremost. My son and I were baptized together on Easter Sunday of this year. I was as happy as I have been in my whole life. I felt relaxed. I had learned to turn over a lot of my worries and fears over to God. It actually worked!! Skipping ahead 4 months....we started talking again. I think she actually saw the efforts I had been making. A few months after we started talking my kids and I moved into the house she had rented when we separated. In hindsight, that was a mistake without attending any kind of counseling together. We told each other we would but we never did. I even found a Christian couples retreat. A counseling weekend for married couples. We followed through with none of it. Having said all of that....things were great. We werent having the arguments we had had and if there were issues, we didnt go to bed at night looking to carry them over into the next day. I have never been good at that. Im stubborn and I would let bitter/angry feelings linger on for a week. I wasnt sure if I would be happy in that house anytime soon, but it didnt take me long at all. I had my wife and stepkids back and didnt care WHERE we lived. I didnt have my issues that I had before. Im not saying there werent any urges but I fought them off and was fine. I honestly was. Again, I was as happy as I had been in my 41 years on this earth. We would always text each other while we were at work or when one of us were at work. Mostly flirty and little confirmations of our love for one another. She had texted me SEVERAL times during our period of reconciliation letting me know how she had noticed change and had fallen in love with me all over again. It melted me and made me work even HARDER. She would tell me the same stuff in person periodically. Even as recent as a week and a half before this current separation, she was saying this same stuff to me. Then one Friday I got to work and received a text message saying this wasnt working and my kids and I should find a place to stay. I was absolutely blindsided and stunned. She had given me several reasons but recently has told me that it was because she was still having issues from her past and that those things I did reminded her of it. She told me that she could be sitting with me on the couch as happy as could be one minute and then start despising me five minutes later. Its not that she doesnt believed that Ive changed but every time she would see me on my phone or taking a picture or be down in the basement "man cave" she would start getting those feelings back. As if I was up to something and it would make her feel everything all over again. I just really wish she would have told me all of this without telling me we needed to move out. I tried putting accountability software on the home computer. It would have tracked everything on the home pc and everything on my Motorola Droid. I had it set up for it all. She wanted no part of it. I also wanted to re-combine our cell bills so she could see the texts and/or calls. After a few weeks of being very angry at each other we started calmly/friendly talking again. She expressed how she could not promise anything for the future but did tell me that she missed me. She even allowed me to start seeing my stepson again. She came over to drop some paperwork off to my place and we embraced and she didnt let me go for several minutes. This happened a few times. My stepson had come over to watch a ballgame she had dropped him off and left. She came back to pick him up and while he was getting his stuff together, we sneakily hugged like we had the previous few times. Her head on my chest etc. Things I used to LOVE. When she got him home that night, she had told the kids she was going to the store. She came back over to my house and said she just wanted a few minutes with me. She came over to my recliner and just plopped into my lap like she used to and we just cuddled for several minutes. Even kissed when she left. I did not allow that stuff to get my hopes up at all. I just enjoyed it. I missed it so much. Im not letting my hopes get up. I told her that I would help her through all these issues she was having since I was partially responsible for them. I told her to take as much time as she needed and I hoped that eventually we could go to counseling together. I assured her that I would not get my hopes up and if it looked as if things were working out. I would NOT allow it to happen without going through a "dating" phase for as long as we needed to do that. I would NOT allow us to do what we did last time. She had called me the night after the kiss and told me she needed to back off. She was allowing her emotions for me to take over and she just had to back off. Im trying so hard to be patient but she has only contacted me once. It's bothering me a lot right now. Im trying to follow through with my promise to her of being patient and understanding but the fact that Ive only heard from her once in the past 4-5 days is really bothering me. I dont know who is reading this....if anyone even will, but I need someones opinion. Advice. Im trying really hard here. Its tearing me up inside.

[Cupcakemomma]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so torn. I don't really know what to tell you, as I haven't ever really been in a similar circumstance. But I will add you both to my prayer list, and think positive thoughts for you. Don't give up, it sounds like you are really getting some positive benefits for yourself and your own kids even if the relationship is on hold for the time being. >:D<

[mell]

Scott,

Has she had any help for the abuses she suffered through her childhood?

I feel for you. Both of you are dealing with issues you have no control over (her with your recovery and you with hers). You have to be there for your kids and give her the time she needs. I know this is hard. I don't have any advice to give you, just know that TTF is always here, and we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

-Mell

[spalmer69]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so torn. I don't really know what to tell you, as I haven't ever really been in a similar circumstance. But I will add you both to my prayer list, and think positive thoughts for you. Don't give up, it sounds like you are really getting some positive benefits for yourself and your own kids even if the relationship is on hold for the time being. >:D<

Thank You very much CCM.
There have been a lot of positive changes within myself. Yes, I still get grumpy and moody sometimes lol Thats a trait everyone knows about and has commented about but its not as often as it used to be :) A lot of it has to do with my crazy work schedule and lack of sleep. It seems as if thats been something that has bothered her in the past too. She is a beautiful, bubbly positive woman and at times I think she expects everyone to be like that. Im not that way all the time. I do have my days though. It doesnt mean I lover any less or ive been "up to something." I will do anything I have to do to get her through this, I need her in my life and I need to make everything up to her.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. None of us can never get enough of either :)

[spalmer69]

Scott,

Has she had any help for the abuses she suffered through her childhood?

I feel for you. Both of you are dealing with issues you have no control over (her with your recovery and you with hers). You have to be there for your kids and give her the time she needs. I know this is hard. I don't have any advice to give you, just know that TTF is always here, and we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

-Mell

She has Mell.
Thats another frustrating thing about all of this. She went through extensive counseling for it and my issues have brought it back to the surface. Which makes me feel even more shame. I wouldnt wish that on ANYONE. How could I have been so stupid??? Im not so much putting myself down as I am just angry and disappointed in myself. I have great qualities about myself despite my issues and I would never hurt ANYONE intentionally.

Thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. As I told CCM....none of us could ever get enough of any of them.

[spalmer69]

I will admit that today was a hard day for me. The temptation was there in a big way for me today. I did manage to stay away from the P though....under the idea circumstances. I was without my kids for most of the day today. A situation that I most certainly would have taken advantage of in the past. Since we separated again.....I've had that urge. Of course I have. I have managed to stay away from it however with the exception of one time. That was right after she demanded my kids and I move out. They didnt stay with me at night for a week or so because things were not situated at our current house so that first night away from my wife I did it out of anger. Sort of a payback if you will. There was a lot of anger there. Didnt feel demanding our departure was warranted. Especially since things seemed to be going so well. I did not feel right after it happened and it hasnt happened again. My MB moments are usually when I feel stressed and tense and down in the dumps. I posed this question in another thread but couldnt really get too detailed. It feels really weird to ask this but.....what do I do when I need a release? As Ive said...my first instinct is to think of the times my wife have been together physically, but again.....thats too painful. Not trying to be dramatic but it really is. Do I go to youtube and use my foot fetish as a release? Is THAT also wrong? I mean....there is no porn. I do realize its obviously sexual to me but it is not porn. I also know it would be wrong if my wife and I were actually under the same roof. What do I do in this situation? As much as Id like to be that strong....Im not sure being strong enough to do anything is realistic. Just being honest. Im also not looking for any of you to give me a sort of a permission to go to youtube to act on my fetish. I just need opinions. suggestions. Thank You

[spalmer69]

I need to write some more. Not anything in particular. I'm at work and nothing whatsoever to do. Need to keep myself occupied :) Ive been reading through the site for the last two hours and my eyes are starting to wig out!
I've read in a few different threads about PAs feeling extremely tired. This was very interesting to me. Now I have not viewed P but the one time since my separation a month or two ago. However long ago it's been. So I guess in total it's been around 8 months. *as Ive said and read before....I dont think you are EVER free from it. It's a daily battle* The whole "exhausted" thing hits home for me. I will say during the first month of my first separation, I was worn the heck out. Physically worn out. Mentally worn out. I found my self more than lethargic. I guess I just attributed that to a broken heart. Maybe a tad bit depressed. I did not touch myself for those first three weeks. So we get back together and I totally re-energized myself during the rest of that separation. I felt great. Was having real good sexual moments with my wife, when we had time and as Ive said previously, she was giving me what I needed fetish wise as well. That was a sort of compromise on the nights she didnt feel like it when I did. Now that we are separated AGAIN, I find myself completely exhausted and lethargic again. Can't sleep worth a poo at all. Im maybe getting 3hrs sleep a night. My crazy work schedule doesnt help. When I work 12 hour nights Its probably less than three. When I DO manage to squeeze in a decent nights sleep in on a night off or whatever......I will get up long enough to take my son to school, then come back, crawl in bed, set my alarm and fall back to sleep. The alarm will go off and I will just keep hitting snooze forever. As much as 2hrs worth sometimes. This is not like me at all. Never has been. No matter how much sleep Ive gotten, once Im up....Im up. Im sure Ive got a little depression going on again, but since ive not been "releasing" a lot lately (for lack of a better word) I've just been absolutely drained and worthless. It may just be coincidence. I dont know. Ive been exercising fairly regularly. Taking my vitamins. I shouldnt be this tired. Should I??