Wasted on the way.

[City Fool]

I started a journal and found it difficult to keep current. I'll read the posts of others and find myself drawn into their struggle and I have to remind myself why I'm here.
Perhaps I need to focus on my own problems before I butt into other people's problems as if I'm the model of, "How it's done".

Ugres. It's everyday. I've still yet to isolate any consistent pattern, any glaring trigger.

Some of the medication I take has side effects that can produce changes in a person's s*x drive but they don't say increase or decrease. The old antidepressant I took for a few years surpressed the libido and it did a good job but it wasn't effective as an antidepressant.

Suffering from BPH and the infections that can cause, I'm not sure how that comes into play or if the medication I take for that makes any difference. I'll see a urologist Monday and the I'll know a bit more.
But neither medication or health conditions brought me here. It was PA and though I've got some real hot issues I'm dealing with, I need to keep in mind the fact that the PA needs to be addressed everyday and not slid to the back burner.
I have diversions that keep me busy if I'm not involved in the other issues and they make a difference but most days the outside problems leave me too exhausted emotionally to get up and get moving. It seems like each time I put out a fire here, one starts over there.
In the meanwhile a fire's smoldering at the firehouse and it won't be long before it burns down and I'll be of no use to anyone.
I knew retirement would bring changes, I just felt they would be good changes.
All too often I'll sit at the end of the day with every nerve ending rubbed raw and nothing but four walls to talk to.
I'm supposed to have time at the snap of someone's fingers to dig them out of their problems and yet I'm not allowed time for my own agenda. How's that work?
My PA is maybe fifth on my daily "Needs Attention" list.

More often than not, I'm, "Hijacking" the site as opposed to a thread. Perhaps a "Trainwreck" site would work better for me.
I offer advice that I should heed myself. I should not offer advice at all.
That sounds better.

[Sonomette]

Pffffft.

The advice and encouragement you give is very valuable-- at least, it has been to me and sonoma both. I cannot speak for others, but I know that there are several more who would agree.

I know you have other stuff going on in your life right now, and it seems that when it rains, it pours. Believe me, I totally understand that one!

You're tough, CF, and while you are feeling down now, I have a lot of faith that you will come through this with your characteristic grace and humor.

If you don't believe in yourself.... know that I believe in you.

[JenMac]

Hey CF!
Since when is it 'butting in' to other people's journals? That is so not the case! You are always there to offer an encouraging word, a helpful suggestion! We are here to assist each other through our struggles, to be there for others and to gain strength for ourselves as we move along our paths to recovery! I have witnessed you doing all of this! To believe that you have to be cured or to have your own problems solved before doing so would, I believe, be to the detriment of this site. We can all learn so much from each other!
I so appreciate all that you have to offer here! I am sorry you are feeling down but I am glad that you have here to vent to! Continue to do just that when you need to! We are here to listen and encourage and comisserate (sp?) if we need to!
Hope you feelings of aloneness and depression subside quickly for you! We enjoy your sense of humour and your generous contributions on this site!
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[City Fool]

Thank you S'ette and Jenn,

Have you ever felt as if you were being crushed in a giant vise?

There's so much noise around you that you find yourself yelling to be heard?

Perhaps when I read posts here I feel as though I can be heard when I reply.
Not a bad thing if you think before you post.

Was it on this site where I read someone post, "Advice is like salt at a restaurant. It should never be offered unless it's asked for."

It's an amazing afternoon and I went to the park to walk and on a day like today, the park would usually be packed with runners, walkers, etc. It was almost empty and I sat on a bench in the sun and it was so quiet. All I could hear was the wind in the trees and whistling past my ears. I thought of the Cisco Kid, Carousel, Whitey Ford, Andrew Wyeth's, Winter and how in the name of high hell did I end up here, like this?
Then I thought of that line from a movie, Fall of the Roman Empire I think. The dying Emperor says, "If you listen carefully, you can hear the gods laughing."
I think he was hearing the Three Stooges.
That's who I always hear.

"Urges suppresed sir!"

"Ah! We live to fight another day! Once more into the breach!"

[Sonomette]

Once more into the breach!

Yes dear friend, once more.

For there is none of you so mean and base,that hath not noble lustre in your eyes.


Excellent reference.

[Hopeful]

Hi CF!

I second everything Sonomette and Jenn have said.

I also think we are all here for advice so we can make sense of things. Maybe this is just another stage you are going through and need to journal again. That's a good thing.

So glad to see you had an amazing afternoon!

And, by the way.....I love salt!! Always need to add a little bit more....lol.

I hope you have a nice weekend! :)

[Crisodian]

Perhaps when I read posts here I feel as though I can be heard when I reply.
Not a bad thing if you think before you post.

That's the beauty of writing. You can immediately edit or delete.

I know far too many who open their mouth and speak before their brain stops them. Spoken word is so much harder to undo than typing.

Peace,
~C~

[Mac]

Well, CF I couldn't just stanby and have only the SO's sing your praises. Us PA's are so very much appreciative of your wealth of knowledgable input on this site as well. I think sometimes our most relevent thoughts come from the depths of our deepest dispair. You just never know when something you say or do is going to have a profound affect on someones elses recovery.
Keep it coming

All the best
Mac

[rjust]

I second that also you have given good advice to me and I sure others
THANKS
>:D<

[City Fool]

A new day and new challanges. Yesterday was very bad. Not from the point of my problem but other events I'm powerless to control.

My problem? I'm half dreading half looking forward to going to the urologist Monday. The pain is difficult to live with and function normally as are the other problems and I still wonder how my health affects my state of mind, my focus to deal with my addiction. It keeps me less active and I spend more time alone and that's a real breeding ground for PA.

That's one point I try to make to new members. Be with people as much as you can.

If I had an SO, regardless of the state of our relationship as a result of PA, I'd be on her like a coat of paint.
The support I see in many of the SO's here is what seems to get a lot of PA's through a rough patch.
One site I was on had two conventions, one in NYC and one in London. Basically very small gatherings of people who could and wanted to meet. Both went well. Another site has two conventions a year in SoCal with about 20 or so members getting together. I never been able to attend but they all seem to go really well.

For the most part, this site is so active on a daily basis it's like a mini-convention on line.

I need to try to fix Firefox so I can post/reply off that browers and not have to switch to IE or some more efficient way to read and reply. I read all the posts on my subscription list, it's just hard to track them and reply going back and forth.

I need to have my car inspected so I'm off.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Thanks for all the support and the compliments. It's nice to know I may help as much as I am helped here.

CF