Here We Go

[andiewrites]

I guess this first post will be more of a "Getting to know you" kind of post.

My name is Andie and I'm a 30 year old married lesbian. My wife and I have been together for almost 7 years and been married for almost 2 years. We live in Southern Ontario where I'm aspiring to be a novelist.

I write lesbian fiction and there are love/sex scenes in my writings. I honestly don't think this is a problem for me as I've been writing love scenes before I knew exactly how a love scene played out. I think that's one of my biggest fears: is this stupid addiction going to cost me everything I love, including my dream of being an author?

I'm home alone during the day, everyday. That's when I spend hours (usually 5 or so) at a time searching, watching, and reading porn. Our house goes uncleaned, we usually go out for dinner because I haven't prepared anything to cook, and my writing has gone untouched.

I've been looking back over the last couple years and I can see how bad this addiction has gotten. I can remember when I couldn't keep my hands off my wife but it seems so long ago. I can remember when I thought about her when we made love but I can't remember when I stopped thinking about her during those times.

I also suffer from severe depression and have been on anti-depressants for around 10 years. This realization has done nothing to help with my depression and I've spent several of the past days crying over my lack of control.

I have an addictive personality so I can't do things halfway. I jump in with both feet and it's nearly impossible for me to jump back out.

I've been looking into sex therapists in my area and hope to, maybe, find one that I can talk to with my wife at my side. I want my wife to see that this isn't a small problem. She doesn't know much about my addiction, or the extent of it. I'm almost afraid to tell her how bad I am.

I think that's enough for today. Oh, I'm also a bit long-winded. :)

[Crisodian]

Andie,
Welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA in recovery for a year now. I am also an addict (non-P) in recovery for 16 years. You've found a great place to get support and help on the road to healing and recovery from PA.

It's great that you have started a journal here. It will help you sort out the ups and downs of recovery and you will find you get some sound and helpful input from our PAs in recovery.

I also recommend a read in the Partner's Section. It will give you a glimpse into the world of PA recovery from the other side of the coin.

Regarding telling your wife, I think you will find that most SOs here advocate open and honest communication, including opening up and telling your SO about your addiction. Your wife can be your biggest advocate and support during the times you will need help on the path to recovery. I speak for many when I say I would have much prefered to learn about my husband's addiction than discover it on my own. It's something you should consider, when the time is right for you.

Good luck on your journey.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[JenMac]

Hi Andie!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you are here! This is wonderful community of kind, caring individuals who will try to support you on your path to recovery. Finding this place can be a first step as it is truly helpful to have people who share your experiences.
I am an SO and my H and I have been members of this site for a few months now. It has been a Godsend for us!
There are many here who will be able to give you sound suggestions to get started kicking P to the curb for good. I am glad you have started a journal, be sure to read others' journals as well.
Just wanted to say that acknowledgement is the first step! You're already there!
All the best!
Jenn

[andiewrites]

I was home alone yesterday all day and didn't watch/read any P. I was proud of myself after I cried for most of the afternoon.

My wife and I spoke a great deal last night and I was extremely grateful she opened up to me a bit. I told her everything last night, at least everything I could think of while we were talking. I had to put the worst parts (how long I would really spend online searching for P and MBing) in writing. I can usually communicate better through the written word than the fumbling words from my mouth.

I admit I feel much better today after talking so much with my SO last night and I can't express how happy I was when she still wrapped her arms around me last.

She assures me we'll be fine and she'll help me any way she possibly can. I believe her.

We did install K9 web protection last night on all computers and typed all the dirty words we could think of into search engines. We got rid of all dvds and videos.

Soon I'm going to call a therapist and set up a couple individual appointments and some with my SO as well.

Today feels good. I'm going to meet my SO for lunch and keep myself busy for the rest of the day.

andie

[chasman62]

Andie:

That is really great news. You have taken HUGE positive steps toward healing yourself and your relationship with your SO.

When I read posts like this it just makes my day.

Onwards and upwards toward the light.

Very best wishes to you.

Chas

[andiewrites]

Another day under my belt. I kept myself pretty busy yesterday and didn't have much trouble other than a few urges. I've found that I can hop down onto the floor and play with my dogs for a bit and I do better.

This morning was the dog park for a couple hours then coffee with a friend so half my day has been taken already. I even bought a few new video games to keep me busy if I only want to sit on the couch.

My SO and I talked some more last night and we're both happy the lines of communication have opened a bit this week. We're going to try to get out of our ordinary routine while we're both at home and do more card/board game playing instead of her being on her laptop and me on mine.

I'm really optimistic right now because I have support from my SO and this site. I'm getting afraid of the cold weather though. Those days that are -25C and the only thing to do is stay inside are not too far away. I'm hoping to be a couple months free at that time and it won't be too bad.

That's about it for now. I'm going to try and get our home back in order after the months of neglect I've given it.

Thanks for reading.

andie

[andiewrites]

Still no P.

I had my SO put up a couple of books that were questionable for me last night. I didn't look at them but the thought entered my mind so I knew it would again.

A lot of the guilt that was in my head constantly has dissipated a bit so I can focus on something other than P or guilt for a bit.

I noticed earlier when my cat grabbed my face and started licking and purring like crazy that we haven't had our afternoon snuggle in quite some time (he's a very lovey cat.) It felt good to not push him from my lap because I was watching or reading P.

I'm trying to post daily for one week before I scale back so I can keep track of the thoughts.

I find it funny that last weekend I could only think about getting back to my laptop to watch/read and this weekend all I can think about is NOT watching/reading.

[Sonomette]

I noticed earlier when my cat grabbed my face and started licking and purring like crazy that we haven't had our afternoon snuggle in quite some time (he's a very lovey cat.) It felt good to not push him from my lap because I was watching or reading P.

This may sound kind of silly, but I fully believe pets can help in the healing process. I've gone for jogs with my dogs when I was mad, cried into their fur when I was upset, and decided to do something with them when I was hyperfocused on P addiction.

It always made me feel better.

This is just a thought here, and maybe I'm way off base, but I think pets can help be the anti-P. They are loving, real, and loyal, where P is sneaky, isolating, and a figment of your imagination.

Good for you on your progress, and I'm looking forward to hearing more success from you in the days to come!

~S

[andiewrites]

I'm having urges to MB. I've spoken to my wife about this and we've decided when I get the urge, I'll try to hold out until she gets home and can be...involved.

I've been terrified of making love with my wife since I realized I had PA last weekend. I was afraid of the images popping into my mind like they have for so long. Telling her yesterday helped a lot and helped me realize we didn't have to be intimate right away, and, if we were, that it didn't need to be a huge issue.

We're trying harder to be together more. We've done a bit more teasing one another and goofing off. I already see how much I've missed my wife and she told me this morning that I've been acting happier and she is starting to see the real me.

Sonomette, our animals are our babies. We have two dogs and two cats they are all spoiled rotten.

[andiewrites]

I was searching SA/anti-porn sites and clicked on something that had porn images. I'm not sure if this was entirely my fault but I didn't immediately close the internet tab. I can't say that I was turned on by the images, but I don't know if that matters or not.

I'm mad at myself now. I went to a local bookstore and they had no books stocked on the subject so I'll have to order off Amazon and wait for them.

I guess I'm a little discouraged tonight.