This is the start

[mamer70]

I guess this is the place to write each day. This is more for my own benefit to write down my thoughts. Any suggestions / cirticisms would be warmly accepted. I really want this to work. I am at home alone for a large part of the day. The wife and kids are away. I plan to do something constructive. This will hopefully make myself feel better. Even just writing this is helping. (surprisingly so). I was quite apprehensive about actually writing here about myself/my life, I think it will be o.k. though, I do ramble on a bit. I guess this is my journal.

0,0

[mell]

Mamer,

Glad to see you starting a journal and you're right, it is yours! Write whatever it is you feel like writing!

Time alone can be dangerous. I read in one of your other posts that your wife does not know about your PA, and you felt like you could not share with her. It also sounded like you were pressed for time to work on recovery. If you are alone a lot, you may be able to use it to your advantage.

-Mell

[mamer70]

Mell,

my wife is well aware of my love affair with pornography. She has been unaware of my recent relapses however. I have found a new way of covering my tracks. I truly do not want to go down this path anymore. There are so many reasons to not be doing this. I just find it so very difficult. I have spent sooooooooooo much time on this activity - sometimes 4 - 5 hours at a time, regularly. A difficult habit to break. I'm just going to give this TTF site a go. I feel some relief writing my scattered thoughts out here. I appreciate your time in reading these. Thanks

mamer

[Daniel]

mamer70,

Welcome to TTF and welcome to your Journal, representative of concrete steps towards freedom.

Ramble away!, as this can allow your head to clear of the P-induced fog that is created from massive use.

The more your head clears the more obvious the problem becomes and in concert the better plan you can generate to overcome the monster.

If you have casually read around the site you will notice most of the PAs have put together a plan which includes listing their triggers, planning how to combat the triggers, planning for perceived downtime when a relapse could happen -but taking steps ahead of time to make sure it doesn't "just happen."

Mission Planner

Let the Healing Begin!,

Daniel

[mamer70]

~X(Day 0 starting again today. I am finding that the temptation seems stronger when the desire to stop increases. I am not going to beat myself up too much about this. Start again. A couple of days of abstinence is better than none I suppose. Thanks for the suggestion re writing down a plan.

[mell]

Mamer,

I've read it and heard it many times "Every day is day one". Glad to see you admitted your relapse and are recognizing some triggers. Learn from every relapse and every struggle.

Keep fighting, keep posting, and keep coming back. It's so worth it.

-Mell

[mamer70]

Back again, ready to try once more. I am sooooooooooooooo addicted, more than I thought I was before I seriously tried to quit. I just turn into a different person, as soon as I know I will be alone, thats it! All I can do is continue to try. I would love to personally e-mail someone for accountability. I might look into that.
I can understand why a female would consider my rantings a cop-out. "just don't do it". I am seriously struggling. Is it that a part of me is not taking this seriously? I become alone and some kind of adrenalin kicks in and thats it. I do not even contemplate my usual yearning to quit. Anyway, back soon.

[mamer70]

I have been alone at home for the last hour and a half, success:D

[Mac]

Mamer
Welcome to the TTF site.
There are huge resourses here that can help you in your struggle.
Try to change your routines at home, especially when you are there alone. don't spend idle time on the computer. If you can, install a filter of some type on your computer.( I use K-9) Make a list for yourself of things that need to be done and save them for when you are having struggles.
Just start doing something you wouldn't usually do.

The only way to change is to start making changes.

All the best
Mac

[mamer70]

Home alone again and I am sitting here reading posts on this site instead of looking at p. yeah me.

Thanks Mac for your guidance.