Still Trying

[still_trying94]

Hello all. My name is "Still Trying" and I am addicted to pornography. It takes up much of my free time and I'm afraid of it eventually ruining my life, as it has someone close to me. I have posted on this board before under a different name. I changed it because it was too close to my actual name and I wanted this to be more anonymous.

I have struggled with p addiction for years now. It takes up more and more of my time with its availability. I view it at home and at work. It consumes me some days. I can't believe how much time I've wasted viewing it. It scares me because I've started to notice parallels between myself and my father. Growing up, he always had a "stash" that I would check out without his knowledge. Then when we got a computer in the house, he would spend more and more time viewing p on there. I would hear him get up in the middle of the night and get on the computer. I knew what he was doing. He would blow me off if I wanted to spend time with him on the weekends and he would stay on the computer for hours. After I was an adult and married and moved out, my father left my mother. Lack of sex was one of his big reasons.

I see myself now, staying down after everyone goes to bed so I can view p. I have blown off my children in the past so I could be on the computer or checking out a magazine. I don't do that anymore. They're getting old enough now that I'm afraid they'll remember being pushed aside the way I was, and I don't want that. I see myself feeling like my sex life is lacking. From reading posts on this board, I realize now how p can brainwash you into thinking sex is the most important thing in the world. The more p I view, the more I believe I'm not there emotionally for my wife and I think that contributes to what I think is a lack of sex. I really think that's what happened with my parents too, and I am not interested in going down that same road.

I see myself years from now, retired, kids moved out, on a beach with my wife. I love her and I truly don't want that vision derailed by pornography. That's why I'm here. I have really struggled with the will to quit. I haven't told anyone my secret and I don't want to. The problem with that is I have no accountability when I slip up. My wife has said before that she has no problem with a man viewing p, and I usually use that as an "out" in my mind when I slip up and view p. If she knew how MUCH I actually viewed p, she'd probably feel differently. I have a problem and I want to quit, so I'm quitting. I don't want to go down my father's path. I don't know if I'll be able to do it this time, but at least I'm here and trying. The longest I've ever gone when I've tried to quit in the past is 2 weeks. For now, I'd settle for 2 days.

[Charly22]

The problem with that is I have no accountability when I slip up. My wife has said before that she has no problem with a man viewing p, and I usually use that as an "out" in my mind when I slip up and view p. If she knew how MUCH I actually viewed p, she'd probably feel differently.

I suspect you are correct in the above statement. I used to have the same view as your wife. While it was not something that totally appealed to me, I allowed it and thought the typical "wrong way of thinking" such as "all guys do it" or "I'll be accepted if I accept it"...things like that. I suspect this is the same thought process with your wife.

But when I observed the monster that took over my husband, partly because of my tolerance, I began to feel differently, and began to despise what p can do, and began to change my "wrong thinking".

I hope you open this discussion with your wife, in a real and honest way, and maybe get to the heart of why she is able to say she has no problem with it. I think it is important the she be involved with your goals.

I applaud you for being here on your own accord.......

But strongly suggest to not go through this alone....

[Benedict]

As someone else trying to deal with PA "alone", I agree with you both that it is harder and relapse easier, as the consequences are not so immediate. Like you, still_trying, I have a wife who is OK with use of P, but I doubt knows the extent to which I have been obsessive-compulsive in using it. I am certainly still dealing with relapses, but have made considerable reduction in time spent on P and greatly increased the time PF, with clear improvements evident to me in a number of aspects of my life, not least my relationship with SO.

I think an important step is to really think through the pluses and minuses of PA, and what you see as the benefits of being PF. And keep these in mind and regularly review them. You really need to motivate yourself. And secondly, identify the triggers and situations where you turn to P and develop strategies for disrupting the habitual sequence of actions.
Thirdly, regular entries (honest entries) in a journal here can not only be motivating, but also assist in identifying reasons for any slip ups, and assist in fine tuning strategies.
Good luck.

[mell]

ST,

Welcome back.

Accountability is an absolute necessity for me. I am going to 12 step group meetings for that purpose. May be something you want to check out. I think accountability is more vital before a slip, as support will help you to change your attitudes and routines to help prevent slips.

Glad you're back, hope to see you around regularly.

-Mell

[still_trying94]

Not a great morning today. I did not view actual p, but I did look through some risque photos on FB. I came close to checking out some p sites (they're always a click away), but I did not. I guess that's a small victory even though it doesn't feel like it. A building block hopefully. My main trigger is the morning. That is when I have alone time. That is when I falter. I tried going to TTF first and reading through some posts. Maybe that planted enough of a seed to keep me from relapsing completely.

I've used filters in the past. Sometimes, I feel that a filter is cheating. Its like, "Yay, I didn't view p today." Of course I couldn't, because it was filtered. On the other hand, I guess a filter is good because it can be like training wheels. Maybe I'll put one on again and set a date to remove it after a big milestone or something.

And Thanks to everyone who posted in my journal. I know I shouldn't go this alone. I've failed in the past. I just really don't want to bring this hurt and burden upon my wife. I want to just get past this myself. I'll try to keep posting here daily with my progress. I hope not to let you all or myself down.

[Kathy]

Morning ST...as a SO, I agree with Charly22!!!

1. If you want to be 'free/clean', you really should not do this alone. When I 'finally' confronted my husband in June, it was only partial truth that I heard. I believed him...

2. July and August...What I thought how our relationship was heading in the right direction...really wasn't. I was still suspicious and started feeling less secure again.

3. 6 weeks ago, after being able to get into my husband's secret e-mail account, it finally hit me on the forehead! Everything has been a lie ...told him to pack his bags and tell our 21 year daughter and soon to be 16 year old son, why his bags were packed. I gave him the ultimatum...that or us!!! Feel free to read our journals (Chasman62/Kathy).

4. Do not under estimate your wife...yes, I was naive to all of this 'p'/s'cam stuff/crap...made me sick...but I love my 'h', he really did hit rock bottom, and couldn't see my life without him. Yes, we too, look forward to spending time on the beach 'alone'. We are very thankful to TTF.

5. Stay strong, seek extra counseling...be honest with your wife (we will be here for her too...).

6. Good luck on your recovery...

Kathy

[Daniel]

Welcome back ST94.

I want you to experience every possible success in your climb out of the hole, to be able to build on each one successively, until you no longer actively think about P.

Wouldn't that be an awesome place to live!?

One major thing I noticed from your last post -morning surfing, browsing FB...

These are not the actions of someone who desperately wants to be free.

If you want out, then you have to TAKE ACTIONS that demonstrate that you want out.

I understand your wife does not know, and you have your reasons. Without her involvment you will defacto lose a giant component of motivation and accountability.

The war is still win-able but you need your feet held to the fire somewhat.

FB is utterly out of the question in your current circumstance. You must realize this.
Morning browsing/mindless surfing/etc., is completely out of the question right now.

You know mornings are bad. Therefore, no more morning browsing. You know what you will find on FB if you have the mind for it, therefore, no more FB.

"If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got".

Early clear-cut victories will build into an un-stoppable machine! Do it now, for Your Own Sake.

Onward!,

Daniel

[2frustrated]

I suggest you get a sponsor. Someone who can regularly "check" on you. Someone you have to be accountable to. Someone who is specifically rooting for you. There is a forum on this site for sponsorships.

[mell]

ST,

Kudos for admitting your struggles this morning. As you can see, there are many here willing to help out.

Daniel's advice is spot - on. We all know what happens when we continue to play with fire......

I have had to change many of my 'normal' routines. Things that others can do that I just can't. You need to find better activities to fill the times you struggle. I have never been on FB. My mother wants me to go on to have a 'family chat time', since we are spread out over the country. I cannot do that. Sites like that are a huge no - no for me.

As 2frustrated advised, get an accountability partner, even if it is just on here, it is someone to answer to. Someone that can say "how are you doing today". The battle is always about 'today' - what are you going to do to stay on the right path.

Keep coming back.

-Mell

[still_trying94]

Yesterday was about as close to failure as possible. In fact, I'm considering it a failure. I continued later in the day to view racy material. Right up to the threshold of p. Small victory last night though. I work out at night after everyone's in bed. Its the only free time I have at home. A lot of times after working out, I'll flip through the channels or OnDemand and view p. Last night I did not. After working out, I read a book to cool down. Made me feel good.

Today is a new day. Preoccupied myself this morning with other things. Now I'm at work. Hopefully, I can stay the course and get myself a day to build on. I think I'll take 2f's advice and look in to an accountability partner on here. This is a good site. So many similar stories.