Still Trying

[still_trying94]

Fell off last night. I had to stay up and get work done on the computer. Normally when I stay up to work, I end up consumed by pornography and I don't get any work done until I'm done looking at porn. I end up staying up 30-60 minutes later than I wanted to. Well last night, I was able to focus and get my work done first. I should have left the computer right then and there and went to bed. Instead and stayed on. Checked some sports scores and before you know it, I was looking at porn.

I've identified my 2 worst times to be 1) at work in the morning and 2) at home late at night. I get in 30 minutes before anyone else and I have a lot of alone time. I have been good at work all week, including today. I'm here at TTF posting in my journal. I feel like I'm getting work under control. I feel like I've identified a first step. Its not every night that I stay up late at home. Only when I have work to do. If I can focus on getting my time at the office under control (since that's every day), I should then be able to take the next step and get home under control.

So I think that's my plan. I've never really had a concrete plan before for this. I've deleted my 'stash'. I'm working without filters for the time being. Reading The Porn Trap is definitely helping this time around. Its really helping me focus and realize a lot of things. I actually felt bad not just afterwards last night, but during. I think that's good. Here's to Day 1.

[still_trying94]

So far, so good. I've just been left alone for the day at work. I am officially in the Danger Zone. I'm through with all of my work and I'm really just here to answer the phone, should it ring. I'm going to try and read my book and get through it. Feeling positive!

[still_trying94]

Well, I'm trying not to focus on how many days in a row I've accumulated; just trying to focus on each individual day, but I can't help but realize I'm on Day 5. I think its okay to look back on what I've done, I just don't want to look ahead and say, okay, Thursday will be one week. I just want to go day to day.

So things have been going very well. Reading that book has been giving me a whole new perspective that I've never had before. I really always thought I've been there for my wife, but I'm thinking more and more I haven't been there emotionally. Since I've been on the wagon, I've been looking at her a whole different way. Its tough because we have 3 kids and after working all day and coming home and dealing with homework and bathtime and fixing lunches for everyone, you just want to sit down and die at after they go to bed. Looking at porn and Mbing everyday really makes me irritable too. So add that to an already hectic lifestyle and the results are not good. Cutting out the porn has had me more positive and in a much better mood. I can deal with all of the running around a lot better and still be in a decent mood after the kids go to bed.

Sometimes, I think about how I'm never going to be cured. Even if I keep this going for years, I could still come across some trigger that will bring me back down. That's kind of discouraging. But I've got to stay positive and remember how much better things are now. I can't let one day turn into 14 if I slip. Gotta keep it going.

[Daniel]

still_trying,

I completely identify with your comment of dying at the end of a busy day, feeling completely drained. And how you have a completely refreshed view of your wife now that your learning success.

Counting days is a good news/bad news situation for obvious reasons -it's good to know how long you've been free but really tough when it goes back to zero; or can become the end in itself as racking up more clean days becomes the goal instead of focusing (as you mention) on being "emotionally there" for the wife.

The "never being cured" part is also painful for me. I remember saying not that long ago to Mrs. Daniel that I felt broken with no hope of [permanent] repair.

But at the same time I have to admit that Providence has worked strongly in weakness, which would not have happened without the weakness -thus ironically it turns out to be a good thing!

This is the long view of course. But it's the best view to take on a long journey.

Go Big,

Daniel

[still_trying94]

Yesterday was dicey, but I made it through. I guess every day is not going to be the perfect model of sobriety. But that's 6 in the bank. Feeling good today. Was reading The Porn Trap on and off yesterday to help get me through. So many similarities and things I can connect with.

The best part this time around is that things with my wife have been going great. She doesn't know what I'm going through, but she's seeing the results. I have not been moody and I've been more affectionate. I can't believe how UNaffectionate I've been. And I wonder why the sex life hasn't been as lively. I always blamed my wife for being tired all the time. It really has been me. If I'm moody and barking at everyone, how can I expect my wife to want to sleep with me. Hopefully with me getting on track here, it will trickle down to other areas in my life. I don't see how it can't.

DAY SEVEN! TODAY! I'M DOING IT!!

[mell]

ST,

Glad to see you have put some measures in place and are recognizing your problem areas. Congrats on your recent successes!

I hear you about focusing on the 'days'. I know the date of the last time I acted out, but do not count day by day. It's been said many times before....every day is day one. As long as I work my recovery, I will get through that day.

I also hate to think that I will always be an addict. On the positive, I am proud of what I have become to this point as a result of working my recovery. And, I know it will continue to get better, as long as I keep working.

Keep up the good work. As a reminder, if you have to work late - this site is always here and it's much healthier than other places. I have committed to posting in my journal daily, even if I have nothing to say. Just coming here to post about the goings on of a boring day gets me to the site (a safe place).

[still_trying94]

Alright. Seven days in the bank! Doing well. Feeling good. Had sex with my wife last night... On a weeknight! That's been rare. Maybe with my new attitude and outlook, that won't be a rarity anymore. It is tough with 3 kids to find time for sex. I know now that the kids have only been a small part of the problem. Yes, they can wear a person down. But when I've been looking at pornography (which makes me irritable) and I come home with a short fuse, its just no good for anyone. My wife and I have been very affectionate with each other this week and it has been great. I don't want that to go away again. If anything, I want more. Maybe I can try being addicted to my wife for a change!

Everything is not all roses, as other PA's know. Its still a daily struggle for me to not just pop on over to one of my regular sites when I'm alone. I've been either coming here to TTF or reading The Porn Trap. I know that sounds ridiculous because I'm at work and I SHOULD BE WORKING. But if I wasn't on TTF or reading my book, I would be tempted to look at porn. Plus, if I go to TTF or my book, I read for about 15 minutes as opposed to the 60-90 I would spend trapped looking at pornography.

Thanks to everyone who has posted in my journal. Daniel, you're always a huge inspiration. And Mell, thanks for the "every day is day one" advise. Great way to look at it.

[dave42]

Hi Still Trying: 7 days is great! Congratulations! I have been addicted to porn for 32 years (and sober for 9 months!), so I know it's a tough, tough battle. Also, glad to hear you and your wife are very affectionate. Good sign and a great benefit of your hard work. I like what you said about coming here to TTF at work. I think everyone, including even your boss, would say, "Hey. This guy has a serious addiction. If 15 minutes a few times a day at TTF is helping, we should support him." Go for it!

[Bryan]

Hello Still Trying,

Congrats on the streak of sober days! That's awesome, you've got momentum in a good direction, keep using that to your advantage :)

I think it's very wise to not put too much stock in the day count, from my experience. I have recently found the day count discouraging because I've been struggling a lot lately, and the frustration to always resetting back to Day 0 is degrading to my spirit. I'm just two days sober from a major relapse at work that has me still feeling hung over and sad, but I'm present and working toward today. Every day is day 1, I think that is a good motto and a good way to look at it. It's good to look back to appreciate and reflect on the past, both the good and the bad, but the only thing that matters is today. Sounds like you are doing well to remember that and act on it, and I think that is great.

I appreciate your struggle, and am happy for your success. We can all get through this one day at a time.

[still_trying94]

Big test coming tonight. A job just came in and I'm going to have to stay up late and work on it. The last time I did that is the last time I fell off this sobriety wagon. This is going to go from day-to-day to minute-to-minute. I just want to focus, do what I have to do on the computer and go to bed. Things have been too good at home. Hopefully that will be enough to get me through!