Still Trying

[still_trying94]

6 days free. Working on 7. Good day so far today. The urges are there, but I've been able to walk away and get myself settled down. I'm actually a bit surprised that I'm still hanging in here. We've been dead here at work this week. That usually means trouble. So far so good though. Another reason to feel good is the type of days I've been free. When I racked up some days around the holidays, I was home. Temptations at home are very low. 5 of these past 7 days have been here at work where temptation levels are HIGH. Hopefully I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I'm anxious to get to 7 after this day is out.

[still_trying94]

8 days clean! I've been doing well. I really want to keep this going. Since another thing I've been failing at is working out, I've also started that again. Got home late last night and didn't want to get on the elliptical, but forced myself. Glad I did. Maybe this will be the year of willpower for me. Day 9, here I come.

[2frustrated]

Just wanted to welcome you to day 9 before you got here. :)

[still_trying94]

Just wanted to welcome you to day 9 before you got here. :)

Thanks! I made it. Day 10 is going really well today too. I feel like I've gotten into a groove. I've done this before. Last winter I put together a run of 30 days and it was great. I hope I can do it again. I'm not shoot for that high of a goal though. One day at a time. I've been staying on a workout routine all week too. I'll increase time and reps next week on that. Feeling good here. Going into another weekend clean, with my friends and family.

[still_trying94]

14 days and counting. I'm very happy to meet this mini-goal. I'd been stuck in the on again/off again for so long, I didn't think I'd ever get to this point. I realize that a lot of this is because things are very good at home right now. When stress levels get high and my wife and I start snipping at each other, I'm pushed into porn/chat, especially chat. I've got to find some way to keep this in perspective next time thing get tough at home. Porn and chat are not the answers.

[still_trying94]

Today will be Day 20. I'm happy that I've gone for so long. I think its the longest I've been since I got 30 days last year. I'm also nervous. Some days, I feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread. Stress levels at work have been astronomical. Things have been excellent at home and I think that's what's been keeping me on this path. I keep hoping that these feelings, urges and temptations will subside. It seems like I'm just going to have daily decisions to make for a while, at least. Well, I'm glad to be as far as I am now. That helps too. If I flush this and have to go back to Day 1... let's deal with that if/when it happens.

[still_trying94]

22 Days. Still moving along here. I've had ups and downs but so far, I have not given into the dark side. My wife and I are going away next weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. Work has been awful, but it is what it is. If I don't like it, I've got to be the one to change it. I'm almost 25% through the 100 Day Challenge! Not that I'm looking ahead...

[IN NEED OF HELP]

22 Days. Still moving along here. I've had ups and downs but so far, I have not given into the dark side. My wife and I are going away next weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. Work has been awful, but it is what it is. If I don't like it, I've got to be the one to change it. I'm almost 25% through the 100 Day Challenge! Not that I'm looking ahead...

still_trying

It is nice to see that you are still moving along. just stay away from that dark side, because it never proves to be a good place to be. I see that you and you wife will be going away next weekend. that is great to hear. it is always a good thing when we can get away with our SO's, and not drag this addiction alone with us

Just keep going like you are my friend, and you will be just fine. any time you have those ups and down days, just always remember how damn good it feels when we don't allow ourselves to give in to this addiction. being free from this crap, is the best feeling that any of us addicts can have.

Stay strong my friend

Gerald

[still_trying94]

Let's get this out of the way: I fell off last Thursday. I had been flirting with the line all week last week. Looking at images on Facebook. MBing a lot. I really wasn't feeling good. Thursday night I went out with a buddy and had some beers. I got home about midnight and the house was asleep. I got on the computer and just went to town. P and chat for an hour and a half. I was drunk and I know that didn't help, but I was building towards this unfortunately.

So Friday morning I felt bad. I went to work and started looking at Facebook again. One of my ex's is on my friend list and she put up a real knockout of a picture. I couldn't help myself and I clicked on the 'like' button. I wanted her to know I was checking her out. Later I was walking past someone I work with here and they had their FB page open. I could see this woman's picture on their wall. Now I'm think, oh shit. I didn't realize that if I 'liked' an image, it would post it on my wall and my friends' walls, which means its also now on my wife's wall.

I was mortified. I immediately 'unliked' the picture and that removed it globally. My wife and I share the same password on everything so I was able to log into her page just to verify that it was gone. It was. Whew! Now I think I'm in the clear. I get home and we have dinner and I'm cleaning up afterword and my wife checks her email. There is a notice from FB letting her know that an unknown IP logged into her account from the city where I work. I played it off saying that I had the same thing happen to me a few months ago and I told her she should change her password to be on the safe side. I think she bought it, but I'm paranoid there may be some suspicion there.

I do not want to live like this. Just that little taste of being exposed to my wife had me in knots Friday. I can't continue like this and I think this was the wake-up call that just may save my life. So there it is. I had a very rough end of last week. I believe that experience has got me back on a better track. I'm adding Facebook to the list of blocked sites here at work on K9. This is where I abuse it. I've got my rosary in my pocket for extra inspiration. I came really close to letting my wife see my dark side Friday and I never want that to happen again. I hope someday to not even HAVE a dark side anymore. So here I go again, this time with a better foundation to start from.

[Daniel]

ST,

I have been where you are right now -flirting with disaster and thinking you're one step ahead of Father Time and Cousin Circumstance and you're smart enough to not get caught.

Unfortunately I am utterly familiar with the personal-moral agony of living a dual-life with my SO being unaware of my dark side and me spending an out-sized portion of my emotional and intellectual energy keeping it under tight wraps.

I won't keep you waiting: it all ends in disaster.

So how to avoid the inevitable?

First a few things I know that are true from real-life experiences:

1. Your SO probably already knows, at a minimum she has a 6th sense telling her all is not well
2. Coming clean before you're caught red-handed earns you a certain amount of self-respect and possibly some respect from your SO (don't expect it)
3. If you continue at this game, you will get caught
4. Your conscience already convicts, i.e., you're caught already (having a conscience on the matter is a good sign by the way)
5. Coming forward and admitting the problem to your SO is like hitting the Hyperspace button on your recovery

There it is. I mean to be polite and true to you ST, telling you something that you need to hear, as I my aim is to get you recovered and staying recovered.

This kind of advice will make the PA's skin crawl, spine tingle, and cause him to be sick in his stomach. Because dragging the lies out into the light of day is an awful experience. But is life really supposed to be lived this way? What is worse?

The longer you go "Living the Lie", the more lies you tell, the more lies of omission committed... it all piles up into a tab so big that you risk a devastating explosion when it all spills out.

Ask me, I've done it twice. An article of shame to be honest.

But you know what? We love each other even more now, as the adversity ultimately drew us closer together. I've learned to be honest and vulnerable. I'm even telling her about my dreams!

So the Inevitable is coming.

I wish it was not like this but, then again, we knew since we were little kids in front of the teacher that Honesty and Integrity was the best option.

Of course action on your part, or inaction, it is completely up to you, and either decision will not affect my support for your battle.

Daniel