Still Trying

[still_trying94]

Well, there's always tomorrow.

[City Fool]

Well, there's always tomorrow.

It's tough and it takes time. If you struggled today, you'll struggle on other days as well.

We can only be who we are. That's the hand we were dealt and that's the hand we have to play. We just need to learn how to be better at being ourselves.

Set goals. Reasonable goals. Make every victory count. Move past every failure as quickly as possible but learn from that failure.
Try to picture yourself indulging your addiction in a public place. In front of someone you respect, someone you care for.
Place a mirror where you view your P so you can see your face and nothing more. Glance at that face and see if it's the face of the person you want to be.
Hang in there.

CF

[artguy34]

ST94,

I'm glad you're back on TTF, that is a good step (again). And since you're on the fence about telling your wife, you need to sharpen your tools to avoid relapse. Accountability is an issue with you so you need some other avenues for the time being.

You're in luck, cause I got some things for ya!

Tools for quiting:

1. Children - Can it get any clearer? You stated so yourself in this thread that you do not want to be the same type of father your dad was, pushing you away and more focused on self-indulgence. HELL-O! Now is the time to "Break the Cycle" and let your children have their innocence until they're old enough!

Be that good father that your kids will be proud of. When they get older, wouldn't you want them to talk about you as the "Dad who was great" instead of the "Dad who avoided us?"

2. Your Wife - If you wish to be the good husband, caring and loving, then get yourself out of the "porn view" and heal yourself so you can be the best person you can be. Your healing will translate into a better man for your spouse.

3. Filters - Sure some say that using filters is like "cheating" but I think that is a load of crap! For me, using a filter is like a deterrent not to browse for P. If you know a filter is on the computer, blocking sites, then you're not going to even bother searching are you? Same goes with soft-core P on cable. Browsing On-Demand was another way for me, but I asked my wife to put parental controls on and for her to keep the password. Simply put, by not having the means to search, my desire to search also diminishes.

Would an Alcoholic keep liquor in their cabinets and "try" not to drink it? Ha, I don't think so! So please do not make excuses not to use filters and blocks on cable tv.

4. Tell yourself over and over: RELAPSE IS NOT AN OPTION! And live by that!

Also...

Even though you really do not wish to tell your wife and I can understand your point of view, however there is a way to approach your wife about the issue.

With the knowledge that she is ok with you watching P under the excuse that "All guys do it". You should approach her when you two are alone and ask her if she is ok with it while face to face. And be sincere about it. If she still says, "yea, it doesn't bother me" then you have a chance to open the door and seek help.

You should right then and there tell her that viewing P bothers you now and explain to her what you went through with your father and how you do not wish to end up like him. Then further explain to her that you love her and you are asking for her help in healing yourself from PA.

You may be surprised that she would appreciate you more for being honest and sincere about it even though she may not have a problem with it. But chances are, she may come back and tell you that she was hiding the fact that you viewing P did bother her? So this could open the door for healing for you both? In addition, many of us can relate that while in the throes of addiction, our perception of reality was severely jaded. (just something to ponder)

If you have your wife as your accountability partner, along with open and HONEST discussions on how this makes you feel, not only will you be on the road to recovery, you just may become closer as a couple and the thought of living on that beach years from now with her just may become reality!

...keep in mind, this is only my suggestion. You should do what you feel is right for you. But hopefully you will take into consideration what many have said here and make good decisions in the future.

Good luck to you, and I hope you find your road to recovery!

[artguy34]

BTW I forgot to mention, I LOVE this saying! It is so apropos for PA's on TTF.

"If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got".

I think I'm going to use it now on!

Thanks Daniel!^:)^

[still_trying94]

Another beginning today. Yesterday was a complete failure. Today has started off well. I'm feeling strong today. Will is always something I struggle with. I wonder sometimes, "Why I'm I doing this? Why am I trying to quit? Does it really matter?" I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this before things get worse. And it matters to those who will be hurt by this down the road. I know how my father was and I can see him in myself. I really do want to change.

City Fool, GREAT advice about picturing myself in a public place! I chuckled at first, but that really could work. I have this hypnosis download that says the same kind of thing. It has you picture your loved ones over your shoulder while indulging. Really lets you see how foolish you look.

Artguy, thanks for all the advice. I read through your entire journal the day I decided to come back to ttf for help. So many similarities. I am very good at devoting my time to my children. The thing that changed that was a few years ago. My son was 2 and a half and I put a movie on for him and then slipped out of the room to indulge myself for a few minutes. A few minutes turned into the entire movie. I came back in and asked him if he liked it. He said yes but then started crying because I didn't watch it with him. That destroyed me. It was the kind of thing my father would do to me. I have 3 children now and I've never done anything like that again.

The filters definitely make sense as training wheels. I would love to get to a point where I wouldn't need them. But that's a good comparison to the alcoholic with liquor in the cabinets. That probably wouldn't happen.

I like your advice on approaching my wife too. If I ever decide to do that, I would do it in the way you laid out.

Maybe September 30 is my day. Here we go...

[mell]

Another beginning today. Yesterday was a complete failure. Today has started off well. I'm feeling strong today. Will is always something I struggle with. I wonder sometimes, "Why I'm I doing this? Why am I trying to quit? Does it really matter?" I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this before things get worse. And it matters to those who will be hurt by this down the road. I know how my father was and I can see him in myself. I really do want to change.

ST,

Seems to me you are trying to 'will yourself' better. This is a recipe for disaster IMO.

You said you were addicted in your first post here, please consider that and what it means. To me, it means I am powerless over my addiction, I have used it as a release, it is my comfort for problems that I have trouble dealing with in real life. If I do not work on my recovery diligently, I will go back to it.

I consider my addiction to be like gravity. If I don't keep my protective measures in place (accountability partners, support groups, reaching out to others) I will fall hard with nothing to break the fall. It is always there waiting for me with open arms. Beckoning me to "give up the fight and be free again".

Recovery is hard work, you need to make changes. You will find good advice and support here, use it.

Praying for you.

-Mell

[City Fool]

Today has started off well. I'm feeling strong today. Will is always something I struggle with. I wonder sometimes, "Why I'm I doing this? Why am I trying to quit? Does it really matter?" I'm doing this for me.

This is almost word for word what I posted when I first joined.
The last line of mell's post puts this in perspective. (Great post, mell!)

Artguy, thanks for all the advice. I read through your entire journal the day I decided to come back to ttf for help. ..........
............. He said yes but then started crying because I didn't watch it with him. That destroyed me. It was the kind of thing my father would do to me. I have 3 children now and I've never done anything like that again.

Two things. If there's a place to save it, I'd print out Artguy's reply and keep it handy/visable. Add to that mell's thoughts and you'll be well armed. Whether you use these weapons, well that's a different story.

Next, what happend with you and your son will be with you forever, trust me. I never put anything above my daughter's welfare but there were times when my work took me away from her for weeks or months at a time and I'd get home and find out all the things I'd missed and those things haunt me still.
I did what I had to do but I'll always wonder if I could have done things in a different way.

I like your advice on approaching my wife too. If I ever decide to do that, I would do it in the way you laid out.

Maybe September 30 is my day. Here we go...

Only you can decide how, when or if to tell your wife and she may become your biggest ally or she may take the news badly.
From my own experience, and this is just me talking here, sitting on a secret, regardless of how big or small will hamper your every decision. A professional is probably going to have some good advice in this aspect but the final call is yours to make. Just consider carefully the fallout if she finds out by accident. No pressure. Just points to ponder.

Good Luck

[still_trying94]

Started reading The Porn Trap.

[still_trying94]

So, I'm reading The Porn Trap. I'm about 50 pages in. Very interesting book. It talks a lot about peoples' ideas of sex and relationships being skewed. I always thought I had a pretty healthy outlook on the subjects (aside from the porn addiction!) I always felt like I had good healthy relationships, but looking back, I don't think that I did.

I'm 34 and I've had sex with 6 different women, up to and including my wife. My first time was with another virgin. We met, dated for awhile, fell in love and decided to have sex. This is the only "normal" sexual relationship I've had. My second, I met at a party, got drunk and had sex. Third: party, drunk, sex. Fourth: met at a bar, called a few days later, got together and had sex. Fifth: party, drunk, sex. The sixth and final is the woman I married. However, we met at a bar on a Saturday, went out on a date that Tuesday which ended with us making out, and then had another date that Saturday which ended with us having sex. 5 out of 6 women I've had sex with, I hardly knew. That's never really occurred to me before.

The Porn Trap talks about being exposed to pornography at an early age and how it can screw up how you think a normal relationship should work. I think this happened to me and I'm now wondering how I ever managed to get married in the first place! I'm going to keep reading this book. I highly recommend it, even though I'm still only at the beginning. Its helping me understand a lot. Even my relationship with my high-school-sweetheart had me focused on sex. We never did it, but we came close many times and it got so I was obsessing about it. No wonder we broke up.

BTW, this is Day 2 for me. I have not deleted my 'stash' yet, but I'm wanting to more than not every hour that passes by. Feeling better now than I've felt in a long, long time.

[Cupcakemomma]

Thanks for the book recomendation. I got a copy a few days back but have yet to start. I think I will now though :)