Rob’s Recovery Journal PA

[want2bebetter]

Day 1

I’m Rob and this day in particular I’ve realized the terrible grip that porn has established on my life. There’s absolutely no reason that I need it or that anybody does. I’ve been really blessed in my life but I don’t always feel that way and I go back and forth between conflidence and despair. Perhaps denial has been part of the problem for me. After every lapse I’ve been telling myself it would be the last, that I am strong enough to get over it on my own, that I can pretend that it never happened.

I usually feel my life is on the right track, except when I have bouts of depression and loneliness. Recently I moved so I don’t have many friends where I live and the isolation helps drives me to despair, which is when I’m weakest. I really badly want to get better and become free, but I’m haunted by these insidious doubts that it can’t be done. My routine usually keeps me working hard and sometimes I still connect well with people, but my spirit is being slowly crushed and every day my self-loathing silently grows.

My addiction grew slowly, starting as a teenager with racy pictures in magazines. For years I would only rarely view internet porn but it scared me a lot (that I’d get caught, that it was sinful, that it was a waste of time), so I avoided it mostly. But after college I was more often alone for long periods, I got my own computer, and it became more regular. Now sometimes I’ll go a while without it (a week, say) but then suddenly go back to it without even thinking about why.

Now I want to get involved with this online community to support others, learn from their stories, and receive some encouragement myself. To anyone who reads this: get well, stay well, be well. I’m not feeling very at peace with myself, but I wish the best for you all and for this goals of this community.

[JenMac]

Welcome Rob!
You have come to the right place! TTF is a wonderful resource with some very wise and caring individuals that can guide you on your path to recovery. Just by being in the company of like minded people, you can begin to work your way out of this addiction. There are many PAs here who will give you good advice and inspiration to help you to conquer this.
My H and I have belonged to TTF for the past few months and I know we feel very fortunate to have found this place. It is often a lifeline for us!
Wishing you all the best in your recovery! Keep coming back!
Jenn

[want2bebetter]

Day 2

In the little time since I’ve known this site, I spent hours reading the articles and forums. Jenn, thanks for your welcome and your words of encouragement!!!! I’m really glad to see that you and other such strong, encouraging people are part of the TTF community.

As I saw on the forums, there’s a lot of people out there struggling with PA but I’m glad to see them fighting hard and their stories are beginning to inspire me. I hope to begin following some of their recovery journals. I pray to God to see success stories.

Last night when I went to bed there were images of P in my head, which wasn’t so much tempting as it was discouraging that this is not something that will go away. Actually after sleeping for about 12 hours I feel like an entirely new person. What a gorgeous day it is already. But I know I’m an addict and it’s going to take a lot of hard work. I’m just beginning now a journey of strengthening myself to not bow to temptation, and learning where to find that strengh and how to root out those weaknesses is not going to be easy, especially since I’m not very self-perceptive. I’ll do some reflecting and post again this evening, at least something short.

[want2bebetter]

I’ve figured out a few of my ‘triggers’.

~X( Stress: Too much going on, not able to process it all. So I would lie to myself that I needed some relief when in fact it did the opposite: I felt that it put this physical clamp on my heart.

:-ss Anxiety: Similar to stress but anxiety can also stem from inactivity rather than activity. It’s when I feel I can’t handle everything being thrown at me.

x-( Rejection: I’m single so there’s plenty of opportunities for this. But the feeling can also be triggered by problems with/falling apart from friends, work-related events, etc.

There were a few other things I identified as possible triggers but I’m not sure whether to count them. For instance of course alcohol lowers my inhibitions, and caffeine can boost my anxiety. I'll think on that more later.

Today it felt both good and daunting to admit to myself fully I’ve a problem. In the past when I walked away from the addiction for a while I would try to forget about it. This time’s different because I don’t want to forget, I want to be continuously on my guard. That means in part being committed to this journal. The week ahead could be stressful and I’ll be online a lot by myself. So I've got to ready myself.

[JenMac]

The 3 A's,
AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, ACTION
You become aware you have a problem, you accept that you have the problem and finally you start a plan of action.
That seems to be where you are currently Rob.
Until a person accepts that they do have a problem they will do nothing to try to fix it. Admitting is the first step to recovery. So you are already at the action phase! That is good!
Being here on this site, thinking about your triggers and how to deal with them, reading the articles etc. - all part of your action plan!
Great first steps!
Good for you!
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[want2bebetter]

Today is a good day. I was inspired by Jenn's words this morning and I'm busy now and happy. I just have to be on my guard when I come back home tonight after an evening out. So I'm going to take some ACTION at that time by writing down three reasons why I want P out of my life. Then I'll re-read them in the morning and try to add a few more.

[want2bebetter]

As I committed to do earlier today, I’m putting down now three reasons to get clean:

1- Because I want my life to be filled with real beauty, not degradation masquerading as beauty
2- Because I want to be a strong man, and strong men don’t need pixelated figures to entertain them by acting out inhuman fantasies
3- Because if I don’t I would be unable to really care for a girlfriend once I got one

I'll add 4 and 5 tomorrow morning.

[want2bebetter]

More reasons to get clean:

4- Because otherwise I would feel dead inside. Empty, hollow.
5- Because I don’t want an ‘escape’ from all the blessings I have. I want to use my time and spirit to enjoy them and be thankful for them.
6- Because it is powerful to do what is right.

[JenMac]

You are so right Rob! It is soooo powerful to do what is right! It builds a sense of selfworth, it makes you feel deserving of good things in your life, it can give back so much just in our thinking about who we are!
Being thankful for the blessings in your life is powerful too! Have you heard of the slogan, Gratitude changes Attitude. I think that is so true and I think I see a lot of the PAs here experiencing that as they move along on the path to recovery. A reconnection with what is most important in their lives. A feeling of appreciation for what they already have that they had taken granted before. By being grateful you will fill up those empty feelings inside instead of causing them to grow!
Great reasons, Rob!
Keep them coming!
Jenn

[want2bebetter]

Today I felt tempted when I went to take a nap, even though there was a power outage. I was experiencing anxiety, one of my triggers.

Once I got through it, I did some thinking that was pretty emotionally disturbing. Why? Well, I realized that in my fantasies I have often imagined doing violence against women. This is strange because I’ve never viewed P where women were directly, physically hurt (worth noting of course that all P is abusive and violent at least psychologically).

It’s hard for me to understand why I imagined these things. To try for a Freudian explanation, I was some times very angry at my mother as a child. But she was never abusive and it seems like a stretch between that emotional experience and the fantasy of beating and raping a young woman. This fantasy sounds absolutely awful but it came really easily to my imagination; perhaps P played a role by desensitizing me to abuse against women. But was it the root cause? Another possible explanation is that I’m frustrated and deeply insecure about women because I’ve never had any experience with them. The violence I imagine doing to them stems from my anger at women, from my anger at myself for having been too shy or pathetic around them, and maybe also from my self-loathing for the very addiction itself.

So it seems like lust and anger have been (and are still trying) to join forces to invade my psyche in a really insidious way. My attitude toward this addiction in the past has usually been that it’s really just a matter of freak lapses of conscience, when really I should have been examining my defenses because of core weaknesses. I think I’ve found weak points that I intend to reinforce. Just not sure how. Insecurity about women and self-loathing don’t go away overnight.

* After writing this I saw JenMac’s reply to my previous post. I hadn’t thought that gratitude might play an important role in my recovery. So now I’ve got a few possibilities for my next post, either to develop further the self-reflection in this post, or continue my “reasons to get clean” list, or to start a new list about things I’m grateful for. Thanks for the idea, Jenn!