File 13

[BlueHubby]

Well, here I go. I am going to try and keep up with this online journal about myself and my PA. It has NOT been easy to talk to my wife about it. Nor has it been easy for me to actually find help or someone, someplace to talk about it. My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this site to show me something. It did. I have had a problem with PA for a couple years now and until recently I did not fully realize the consequences. I love my wife and i can, somewhat, realize the amount of pain and anguish that I have caused her. It is not something I am proud of, rather the opposite. I am ashamed, I had led a life that was double sided and hurt the one person who I love to no end. I have tried telling myself that it didn't really bother her, but that was just me being delusional :/ I cannot claim to be the best person in the world for my wife if I consistently and deliberately hurt her. Yes, it was deliberate, no matter what others may say, it was a conscious choice of mine. I had to choose, risk my wife and family or instant gratification...obviously I chose wrong. As I type this I keep thinking that maybe this will help, I cannot promise to type often, but when I do I will try to put in something that is thought out. I cannot think of anything that is trully coherent in my thoughts to put down anymore other than this. May I begin to be a better person for my wife and kids, not some stranger that happens to be there.
Beginnings,
BlueHubby

[TrueBlue]

We've already talked in rl, but just to reiterate: I'm proud of the steps that you are taking to salvage our marriage and restore yourself to the good person that you are.

My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this site to show me something. It did.

I don't remember the screaming :D. As a side not, what was it that really caught your attention?

As I type this I keep thinking that maybe this will help, I cannot promise to type often, but when I do I will try to put in something that is thought out.

I hope it does help you to have this outlet as well. And in case you are still wondering it is a solid ACTION to show that you are committed to me, and to us.

And just to play the devil for a moment >:) you promised ME that you would post nightly until we have a discussion and make a different agreement. Promises are so very important right now even the little ones.

Aml, TrueBlue

[BlueHubby]

What caught my attention. Well, simply put it was the fact that this site didn't seem stupid, no aww poor you or it's all your parents fault kind of thinking that most people seem to have nowadays.

[OpenEyes]

Glad to have you here and it sounds like you have already a great handle on getting started and some of the directions you need to go.

I will ask you right now if you have read over the articles and resources sections on this website? Have you an action plan in place? Do you know what your triggers are and will you share them? Seeing them in type makes them far more real. What are your goals, other than being P free? Being a better husband rather than a stranger is great, but how?

Again, you are on the right track, here, and you will get a lot of support, a lot of advise and at times great insight.

Keep strong!

[StarPuppy]

@TrueBlue: I don't mean to pry into your business but did you dragged him and did some kicking to get your husband to look at the site, as you mentioned, you don't recall the screaming only :D

@BlueHubby : Its good that you decided to come here, post often, not only about your battle but about your daily work/life, thats what most of your members here do and not only do we gve advice on PA but prespective on daily matters like how we should handle a ceratin issue better o:-)

[Charly22]

An addiction like this covers and buries so much before you ever realize what has happened. You will find alot of things that you never knew you would discover by removing this from your life, and tapping into the true intimacy with your wife.

Please keep learning and realizing and discovering.....many rewards await !!!

[Daniel]

Welcome to TTF BlueHubby.

Let the healing and the restoration begin!

As with most things that turn out to be good things, it's a partnership with you doing most of the work(!). The site and the people involved with it have 'been there, done that' regarding the emotional trauma of discovery and 'getting it out-ism' in the post-discovery world.

You'll find comraderie in the form of others who find themselves in a very similar situation, here and currently working things out or have been in the past.

A list of the couples on TTF here.

I have had some comfort being able to read other H's journeys, experiences, past issues, to assist me in my own journey.

Tell yourself you are doing this for you, and make sure it is true.

One bone-crushing way to put this: if she was gone (God forbid) I would still stay away from IT.

If you are "doing this for her"... not good, as the changes will be only cosmetic and seasonal; not the path for rebuilding of trust.

I'm sure you are aware of these things BlueH.

Best of Success to You; Here's to a Clean Conscience!,

Daniel

[BlueHubby]

Hmm, action plan, I don't think i have a coherent one yet but i ham working on one with my wife. One thing is that I post every night on this site for awhile. It does, atleast to me, seem alittle silly to post every night because I cannot always have something intuitive or the like to say. But it is one of the things my wife and I have agreed on that will help. Am I doing this just for her, no, I am doing this for myself also. I used to enjoy reading alot, since I began using P I had stopped doing that and other things that I enjoyed. My answers/responses may sound simplistic but that is because I do not have an eloquent writing voice. The idea of living with a clean conscience is also a very powerful motive for me in working towards being P free.
Working,
BlueHubby

[Mac]

Welcome Blue Hubby, you have indeed joined a great support group here at TTF. I am fairly new myself. Quit P, 5 months ago and joined TTF shortly thereafter. This site and the people here have been such a support to me that I just can't imagine not having this to help me along.
I just want to comment on Daniel's post to you ( he is somewhat of a god on this site by the way). He is so bang on about doing this for yourself. Doing it for yourself first is the only way you can ever truly and honestly do it for your wife. This is certainly not to say that your wife shouldn't be a major motivator for your recovery, it just can't be the only reason.. I know back at the start when my P use was discovered, the fact that I knew with absolute certainty that my wife would not continue in our marriage with this in our life, gave me the kick start I needed, but I soon realized that I was here because in previous situations where i was caught with P, I only stopped for her and didn't dig into understanding the real affects it had on me personnally and our relationship.
I am so glad to see your wife as a member as well. For both of you to have the support that is offered here, I know it will be a great recovery tool for you both.

All the best
Mac

[chasman62]

Welcome BH. Looks like we joined here at about the same time. Dont worry about not having much to say. I also have committed to posting at least once a day as I move through this process. I doubt much of it will be profound, it certainly hasnt been so far. Just getting it down in writing has been helpful to me though.

As mac said you need to want to do this for yourself. A realization of what this is doing to your marriage is of course hugely important but unless you are seriously sincere about altering your whole worldview it wont work. Like many members here I have promised my wife multiple times that I would never do this again only to carry on with it. It was only when I stared directly over the abyss that I realized it just had to change.

So welcome to you and your SO. I look forward to hearing from you again.