My Road to a New Life

[chasman62]

It is now 3:00am Day 5 of my journey to find a new reality in my life. I have probably slept about 8 hours in that time. Here I am in the middle of the night, on the computer, writing in a journal on a website for p addicts. If you had told me that I would be doing that a week ago I would have told you that you were crazy.

I have read a couple of these journals so far and found them truly inspiring and so I thought I would start my own. I know I am going to need the help and wisdom of those who are further along the path that I am now treading and I hope that I can find that here.

I have posted my story in the new members area and so I wont repeat it here. I am sure it is not anything exceptional but to me now the guilt and remorse and shame of it consumes my entire existence. I know I will never use p again, I will never mb again, I will never sexchat with web whores again, I will never do any of that poisonous stuff but that is not enough. It is a start I suppose but it is not enough.

I can deal, I think, with what p and mb did to me. I hate it for it, how it robbed me of my character, my time, my being a productive person, my dignity, and how it has left me a shell of a man. It will take time but the fact that I know I will never ever use again has given me the strength to go on in these past few days.

What I cant deal with is how I have systematically destroyed the most important relationship in my life. I have inflicted so much damage and pain on my wife that I can barely even think about it without breaking down completely. How can we ever be whole again, how can we ever have a trusting, loving relationship. How can the honesty that I desperately crave now and have been trying to provide really help when every time we talk out comes more of the sordid filthy lies and secrets of the past. I have told her many times that I would be nowhere without her and it is totally true, but what have I done in return. Lied, lied and lied again. Cheated, cheated, and cheated again. I want to make it whole but I know there is nothing I can do that will achieve that.

We went to a baseball game last night. Just the two of us. It was a good game, the Twins won (yeah!) and we enjoyed it. But I feel the weight of 'the truth' hanging now on our every word and around the corner of every conversation. I still have this terrible thought that she is simply numb and in shock at the extent of my problem and that when clarity of thought returns I will come home from work to find her gone.......the fear of that grips me and turns my stomach into knots.

I dont think I can write any more now. I will try and get a little sleep. Thanks in advance for reading this.

[JenMac]

Hi Chasman! Welcome to TTF. It is a great place for you to be right now.
I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now but I believe that pain is all a necessary part for your recovery.
You have made a good start on your path to recovery by trying to be honest about your addiction. Coming here was another important step for you to take. There are many here who can support you and guide you on your journey to a P free life. There is nothing quite like the support of those who have also been where you have been. I feel truly blessed to have found this site!
I was wondering if your wife knows about this site as well, as I think she would find it very helpful for her own recovery. There are a number of couples on here who are working through this both for their own healing and for their healing as a couple. Your wife will have lots of feelings and emotions that she may feel unable to express to the people closest to her in life. When I came here, it was such a relief to be able to express my true thoughts and feel like I was being heard and understood. That kind of support is so necessary for our healing. I hope she will join us if she hasn't already.
Keep coming back! You are in the right place!
Jenn

[chasman62]

Thanks Jenn. My wife Kathy does know about the site, and she just posted something on my introduction thread. We are both hoping to use the support of the TTF community to help us heal.

[chasman62]

Day 6: 5:30am

Got a little more sleep last night thanks to a few drinks and an ambien before bedtime. Have to say that Day 5 was my best yet. It was the first day since this started that I was able to think with any degree of clarity at all. I also had a couple of moments that could have led me into trouble but I survived.

Had my hair cut in the morning. I have had the same hairdresser for 13 years and I consider her a friend. She is an attractive woman a few years younger than me and we usually flirt 'harmlessly' while she cuts my hair. Those harmless interactions have, however, sometimes turned in a binge of p and m as soon as I get the chance so I guess she is a trigger (one of many). I wasnt going to tell her anything but then somehow I started and it all came out. I could tell she was totally shocked but she shared some things of her own life and it was a really positive experience. I had no urges when I left.

Watched my English soccer team (I am from the UK originally) get a well deserved point, and then did the yard work. It was hot and sticky yesterday and the task wasn't very pleasant. It did give me the chance to think about many things connected with my addiction. Somewhat surprisingly to me I was thinking about one the guys that I had met at my webcam site of choice. He was a young guy who's wife was expecting their first child and of course she didn't understand him or his need for sex so he was 'forced' to use this site (mfc....there I said it). We became friends because we had similar tastes in models, and since he never had any money I would pay the girls to get what he wanted to see. I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness remembering that and thinking how distorted his perception of what life should be about was, and how we supported and reinforced our bad choices. I wish somehow I could help him but obviously I cant go 'there' just have to hope he finds his way out himself.

Then in the afternoon had my first serious urge since I started getting clean. Ironically, it was my wife (Kathy...who is also on here now) who caused it. We were doing the online banking and she started talking about intimacy and about how we couldnt make love now even though she wants to because she feels from my side that it wont be her that is with me but 'her' or some other woman from p. I explained that I totally understood that and that I was expecting to go 30-60 days clean before we did anything....to clear out my head and hopefully reset my brain. Then I started talking about mb and how it made me feel and booom I got an erection and my heart was racing like crazy and those feelings were rushing back into my head. I knew I had to overcome them and so I took my 15 year old son for a driving lesson and that seemed to work somewhat. When we got back I put a ballgame on TV and immediately the urge returned. Normally under those circumstances (ie no chance for a real session with p) I would simply have changed the channels until I found something, anything, that would work for stimulation and then have a quick mb just to calm the beast. Not an option now. So I just lay there...didnt touch the remote....and rode it out. Felt good.

Then last night we went to visit our dearest friends. They are like family really since we all live a long way from our real families. Kathy has told her friend K about me going back since she first discovered p on my computer years ago. I was a little nervous but I shouldnt have been. It was a beautiful evening and we had a few drinks and laughed and shared and my mind was lifted to a place away from p and m and what had happened this past week. K hugged me as we left and told me how much they loved me and how they were there for us....it was very emotional. I cried again when I was home in bed for the 6th night in a row but these were tears of happiness and came from the joy of feeling that we will succeed together to beat this, as opposed to the tears of fear and self-loathing of the past few days.

Today is Sunday. The worst day. I cant remember the last Sunday when I was at home that I didnt use p and mb at least a couple of times. Sunday night was when I would meet my 'friend' online and we would chat until midnight always culminating in virtual sex. All those memories will be in my head today. Send positive thoughts my way!

See you tomorrow.

[chasman62]

Day 7: Monday: 5:15am

Today marks the one week anniversary of the worst day in my life, and the day I committed to changing my life completely. Got about 7hr of ambien assisted sleep last night which is the most i have managed yet.

Yesterday was a very good day for me, but maybe a less good day for K. Everytime we discuss my problem and I disclose things to her it helps me enormously but I can see the pain and hurt that it causes her. This is the classic paradox I guess. I have encouraged her to seek out the SOs on this forum who have been through this to ask their advice and just talk it through and I hope she will.

We went through all the credit card statements from my secret card yesterday morning and the depth of my fiscal wantonness was laid bare. I didnt count all the charges but it was a lot. Also on there were gifts to 'A' the webcam model, airline tickets, hotel reservations etc etc. I felt cleansed afterwards but K was very down and upset.

We sat down on the couch and I hugged her but immediately that caused a problem. My sexual response is so messed up that any level of physical contact causes almost instant arousal. I hope that will fade with time. To kill the urge I went for a run. I used to run in high school but I have lapsed severely. I ran about a mile and a half and thought I was going to die! I am committed to getting a level of physical fitness back and believe that will help clear my head.

Rest of the day was really what a normal Sunday should be. Took my son driving, lounged around on the deck, had a nice family dinner where we discussed future plans (my daughter goes back to college next week so we are building a road trip around that event). We are even toying with the idea of joining Kathys brother in investing in property in Florida. It was really positive.

I also played some poker online. I love poker and I have played online for years. I know this sounds like crazy behavior because in the past it led straight to p and m, but playing yesterday with no possibility of p was a truly cathartic experience. I won one tournament and came second in another. I have told K that I will never play early in the morning or late at night but it was really positive for me that I could keep something that I like doing without it instantly leading to p/m.

I also now am starting to feel the euphoria of recovery. I have gone a whole week without p and m for the first time in my adult life. It is of course pitiful that it took reaching the precipice of destruction to do this, but it feels great. Like a huge weight lifted off my back. I know I will never go back there ever. I also feel intense love for K. I look at her differently somehow now, and all I want is to be close to her. It is as if someone has taken a vacuum and sucked all this dust out of my thoughts and there is my new brain underneath.

It is Monday morning and I dont have my usual Monday morning feeling caused by having done p and sexchat and m until midnight the night before. I am even looking forward to going to work!!

Thats all for today. Thanks to all who read this.

[StarPuppy]

Sounds great that you are recovering,Keep it up, is there any plans should there be a urge to relapse?o:-)

[Charly22]

I want to make it whole but I know there is nothing I can do that will achieve that.

There is definitely something you can do, and it appears that you are on the way to it. Nope, you can't make the past better, so, if the past was broken and skewed, who wants to restore that past to the present?

What you are doing is building a new whole, an even better one! Guaranteed!

[chasman62]

StarPuppy said:-

Sounds great that you are recovering,Keep it up, is there any plans should there be a urge to relapse?

I am going to say a few things here that some of you may not agree with but that I strongly believe. First and foremost I do not believe that p and compulsive mb are true physical addictions. They are 'primitive-brain' rewarding behaviors that can lead to compulsion and to massively destructive activities but ithis is not a form of chemical dependancy. I made a conscious choice to go down that path every single time. I knew that I was doing deepful hurtful things to someone that I claimed to love and I did it anyway. I will live with the burden of remorse for those choices forever. It is that remorse that is torturing me now and depriving me of peace and sleep and concentration NOT the need for p and m. I know that I have the strength of character and the intelligence to control my base instincts and I will. As someone posted to me on here, "Relapse Is Not An Option". I have taken that as my mantra and I will live by it.

As I have posted in my journal I have experienced urges during my first week. These have not been to look at p per se but urges to mb (which I firmly believe was the root of my problem in the first place and would lead me to p in an attempt to satiate the urge). Every time this has occurred I have discussed it with my SO and I have overcome it.

For me the p and mb are really only part of the problem. I met someone through those activities that I became obsessed with, who controlled and manipulated me, and that I had planned to meet in person. That is, from my perspective, a whole different ballgame. If there is anyone reading this who has had a similar experience and is willing to discuss it please send me a pm.

[Charly22]

First and foremost I do not believe that p and compulsive mb are true physical addictions. They are 'primitive-brain' rewarding behaviors that can lead to compulsion and to massively destructive activities but ithis is not a form of chemical dependancy.

I applaud your conviction and determination to make this situation right with you and your wife and your whole life basically. Because thats what this is, it is a life change, just like a diet doesn't work, you have to change your life style.

I also want to respond to your doubting that this is a true physical addiction. I understand that it is not a chemical that you are putting into your body, but it is igniting that same part in your brain as if you were. Just like gambling addiction, shopping addiction. I've witnessed it first hand what will happen when you remove the "reward" product from your environment and you no longer are receiving the rushes of dopamine from you brain. You can in fact experience withdrawals from this. It is not the cocaine that keeps you addicted, it is the reaction in your brain that keeps you addicted.

Please reconsider your stance and thoughts on this.....and I am not sure how deep rooted this type of "addiction" is you for you.....is it something you were doing daily/weekly/monthly?

[Charly22]

Also, I believe it is the frequent viewing of the porn, and the online activities, that made it "easier" for you to risk what you risked, with actually meeting someone, etc.