My Road to a New Life

[Charly22]

She checked my phone this morning...it is a work phone and so I get all my work related e-mail on there so it is quite often buzzing. I asked her why she looked...don't know why...I guess I just cant let it bother me at all even though I dont think it is really doing her any good at all. She feels bad for 'needing/wanting' to look and I just think (and know of course) that it is pointless since there will never be anything there that is remotely bad.

I hope you don't mind me poppin in here to describe MY own stance and experience on this. I have observed two types of SO's in all of this. There are those who never got caught up in the looking, searching, snooping, trying to prove to themselves that there is nothing to find, and their reason for it is a good one. Recovery is up to the addict, not them, all the snooping and checking in the world ain't gonna stop anything. Seems rare for the SO to actually be able to take this stance.

Then there are those (myself included) who have tried to re-assure themselves by looking and hoping they find nothing. It is a bit of reassurance to know they didn't find nothing. It's out of desperation that we find ourselves behaving in such ways. I don't want to be like that. I never was a person who tried to hamper someone's privacy, or control, or snoop.

But the truth, that privacy/privelage was taken advantage of. That trust was shattered. Now, it is a nagging menace to wonder if the truth is being told, it consumes me. I no longer want to be kept in the dark. I no longer believe what I'm being told, so I want to know for myself.

If you truly have nothing to hide.....if you truly want to be totally be open and are able to be completely transparent, then there should be no problem with her looking at your phone. If you expect to help her heal from this, you HAVE to provide her that safety net. It's a small price to pay compared to the damage that has been done.

If there is nothing to find, and the reason it bothers you is because you feel like she doesn't believe you even though you are doing the right thing, and speaking the truth....your not helping your case any be being defensive about her behavior (snooping). You needed her help and support to fix this mess, and now she'll need to same from you to fix the mess.

I hope that the next time you see her looking in your phone....I hope you could care less, and tell her over and over, how ever many times she needs to hear it, that she can look, and that you understand why she feels the need to, and it doesn't bother you. You HAVE to do that if you expect to offer up complete honesty and openness.

If you are not able to do that......your intentions will be deemed not good.....

[Daniel]

Seeing Crisodian's response... exactly.

The thing that crosses my mind: it's a lot "easier" to stop the behavior than it is to rebuild that sacred trust.

We men tend to think of it like an on-off switch, "OK, the switch is ON NOW!" and certainly the women are thinking 'tapestry' or 'totally-connected' etc.

Long Term Project, with humongous rewards.

[JenMac]

Such a trying thing for both sides of the coin!
I have found myself there at times. I have to stop myself from checking and rechecking, as it can drive me crazy! I am not very good at it either which can be frustrating in itself.
I agree wholeheartedly with Charly! If we sense any reluctance or frustration on the part of our Hs, it will indeed not bode well. Even though you can sense that it is not good for K, that it doesn't help her, it seems to be something that we have to work through. There are just times we need that reassurance, plain and simple. Your response to it is so very important. Because it is a result of the betrayal that she has suffered, it is the PAs responsibility to respond openly, honestly and willingly. That includes being an open book for as long as it takes and then some.
Sorry you are having a bit of a down day! It happens but then we pick ourselves up and carry on, hopefully having learned something along the way!
All the best!
Jenn

[chasman62]

If you truly have nothing to hide.....if you truly want to be totally be open and are able to be completely transparent, then there should be no problem with her looking at your phone. If you expect to help her heal from this, you HAVE to provide her that safety net. It's a small price to pay compared to the damage that has been done.

Charly.....I didn't say that I cared that she looked at my phone and I don't. There will never be anything to find there. My issue was only that it doesnt seem to really give her any peace when she does it because it makes her feel bad for wanting or needing to look. She has all my passwords for email and the computer and i never lock the phone or anything....so no I don't mind....I just question whether it really provides any comfort. If you think your SO is maybe still up to something then if you dont find anything you surely are not reassured but just convinced that they are hiding it better. Conversely if you feel the opposite then 'snooping' makes you feel bad for not believing what your instincts are telling you. I just cant see that it is a positive strategy either way.

If there is nothing to find, and the reason it bothers you is because you feel like she doesn't believe you even though you are doing the right thing, and speaking the truth....your not helping your case any be being defensive about her behavior (snooping). You needed her help and support to fix this mess, and now she'll need to same from you to fix the mess.

I didnt think I was being defensive I just asked why she had looked....I recognize that perception is everything but as I said I didnt feel that I was acting that way. I dont disagree with your last sentence at all and I am trying very hard to be helpful and supportive....it just seems to me that 'snooping' is somewhat of a vicious cycle that you think will provide reassurance but doesnt.

We ran together tonight again and talked about our plans for our trip next week. Overall I think things are really positive and I know that these problems will pass and we will move on.

[Charly22]

Believe me, if you continue on the road you are on now, and keep showing her your complete commitment as you are, there will come a day when the need to check will vanish......I just ask you hold her hand until then :) As you are trying to do, I recognize!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Chasman-

It is hard as an SO, because snooping doesn’t necessarily bring peace. You are right… if we have our suspicions but don’t find anything, then sometimes we just think our PA is hiding it better. But, what is the alternative? I can’t speak for other SOs, but I know that for myself, I spent years not snooping. I accepted things that didn’t make sense, because I believed my husband. Even after I had cause to doubt him, I had no idea how bad things really were, so I still believed him. I didn’t snoop. I didn’t question. I didn’t install monitoring software. I didn’t install a hidden keystroke system. I did nothing. And it got me here, on TTF with a husband who had to spiral out of control and only chose to give up his addiction when I forced him to choose. So, what do we do as an SO? We remember how we spent years not snooping, not checking, believing blindly, and it got us nothing but heartache. Now, we can do all the snooping and checking we want, but as you said, it doesn’t necessarily bring peace. What it does bring for me, is a sense of control. If my husband chooses to go back to P and the rest, then at least this time, I won’t be blind-sided.

EDIT:
I forgot to say that for a lot of SOs, and myself personally, there is a lot of self-blame, especially in the beginning. If I hadn’t been so blind, if I had been more assertive, if I had been hotter, if I hadn’t let the little things go… etc. There’s a lot of self-blame, a lot of “if only’s”. I don’t want the same outcome as before, so I have to do something different this time. This time, I won’t believe unless I see actions and never find anything P related again. I can’t control my husband’s actions or his recovery, but I can control the situation I allow myself to be in. So, I feel the need to KNOW my situation, like I didn’t before. Checking, snooping, monitoring.. whatever you call it… this is the only was I can know what’s going on. It’s the illusion of control, but it is the only thing I can do at this point to protect myself. Its one thing to cross off the “if only” list so that if it happens again, I don’t feel like such a blind trusting fool. The checking has faded over time, and I am sure you and Kathy will find this happens for you both as long as she never finds anything to cause doubts.

I hope you and Kathy have many more successful days. Enjoy your runs together. My husband and I run together too.

[chasman62]

WONLM:

That was really an excellent post. I think you summed it up very well.

I think that K's need to look is in part motivated by the thought that if she had only looked a little harder, or been a little less trusting, or asked a few more questions then maybe, just maybe, we would not have had to reach the very edge of the precipice before I was willing or able to stop the madness and turn around. I dont actually believe that at all myself and think that a lot of SOs beat themselves up unecessarily over that issue. While it is certainly true that a 'controlling' spouse may make it more difficult for the PA/SA to achieve their 'fix' they can never stop it unless the addict themself WANTS that to happen. All they can do, as you say, is feel that they are more in control of the situation because they will never feel as much of a gullible fool as the loving, trusting, SO who feels guilt about even questioning that trust is being mutually given and received.

The longer I spend on here the more frustrated I get with those married/involved PAs who claim to be in recovery but have not 'told' their SO (like they don't know there is something wrong). The incredible stress of trying to deal with something as hard as recovery whilst at the same time still shutting out your SO from the most difficult and important thing you have ever done in your life just seems ridiculous to me. I don't think it is in any coincidence that those are ones who are constantly having 'relapses' and struggling to achieve any meaningful recovery at all.

The feeling of not having any lies (and thus distance) between us is incredibly liberating. Even when issues come up now (like the checking on stuff) we talk them through and we have true resolution at the end. A week from today we will be sitting on our balcony overlooking the ocean sipping champagne and celebrating 22 years together. It is a wonderful thought and every day now I count myself incredibly blessed to have been given this second chance to live the life with K that I always wanted, without that dark cloud always looming over me.

Going to the Twins game today with a friend of mine. Hopefully they can manage a win and avoid being crushed (yet again) by the evil empire.

Later friends.

Chas

[City Fool]

The longer I spend on here the more frustrated I get with those married/involved PAs who claim to be in recovery but have not 'told' their SO (like they don't know there is something wrong). The incredible stress of trying to deal with something as hard as recovery whilst at the same time still shutting out your SO from the most difficult and important thing you have ever done in your life just seems ridiculous to me. I don't think it is in any coincidence that those are ones who are constantly having 'relapses' and struggling to achieve any meaningful recovery at all.


Chas

Five Stars!!!!!!

A lot of my support comes from the SO's on this site. I feel I owe them something for that support. If I had an SO, she'd be involved here as much as I am or we'd go our seperate ways.
I joined here on my own. My problem is of my own making and my struggle is my own personal cross to bear.
I should be amde to boil in my own stew but I've been treated with understanding and support from all across the board.
A huge measure (IMO) of a PA's desire to clean up would be to involve the person who has suffered the most. That would be a strong signal of a PA's intent to get clean.

Being single, it's not my place to comment, but my days would be less stressful, less unpredictable if I had amends to make to someone who suffered because of my lack of self control.

CF

[chasman62]

Today is our 22nd wedding anniversary! It is also day 57 for me being p free (had to check that one with the calculator because I have quite frankly stopped counting).

It is a spectacular weather day here today...the flowers have (hopefully) been delivered...and we are going out for dinner and drinks tonight.

I feel truly happy today. I know now what that word really means and for a long time I didn't. My mind is clear of turmoil and angst and frustration, my body is free from crazy uncontrollable urges, and I am genuinely at peace with myself. I have much to still work on, have to take everything as it comes, but I cannot believe where I am now looking back at where I was just a few short months ago.

Even the fact that my poor little baseball team caved without so much as a whimper can't dampen my joy!

Wishing all of OUR TTF friends a great weekend.

Chas

[Daniel]

Congratulations chasman! That Awesome Awesome news!

Have a spectacular weekend!,

Daniel