My Road to a New Life

[Daniel]

Good stuff chasman, keep it coming.

The good vs. bad dog analogy is excellent -a topic mentioned many times here. But you don't need it explained as you now experience it first-person.

You will sense (or already are) that 'bad dog' wanting a scrap of food or a breathe of fresh air, just a tiny fix to stay alive..

and avoid the long slow death that is required.

Excellent post!,

Daniel

[Kathy]

Stay strong is easier said than done I know - I am sorry that you were feeling depressed about this morning's 'test'. With all types of healing/recovery, it takes time. You don't know how much I admire you for even telling me...yes, it brought more doubt into my head; but I'd rather have you discuss it with me than staying quiet, being on edge and/or temptation drawing to you...

I love you - keep counting the days 'up and away'!!!>:D<

yours only...me!

[chasman62]

Thanks Daniel for your encouragement.

Thanks K as always. Just knowing you are there for me makes a tremendous difference. I love you more than you will ever know.

[JenMac]

Hi Chasman,
When you spoke of the returning to normal and that it may be related to the urges you experienced, I related completely!
I think that is why I feel this need to keep this issue in the forefront at all times. I think that is why I take a bit of a dive whenever I feel like we are setting it aside or moving back to normal.
We are trying very hard not to set it aside, to keep it front and centre. Not always discussing P, as such but discussing our relationship, our thoughts and feelings, working on fostering connection and communication and closeness.
We are 5 months in now and I in no way feel ready to move away from this. I think I will feel that for a long time to come. So maybe you are just not ready to set it aside at this time.
All the best!
Jenn

[chasman62]

Not much to report today really. Friday evening, finished with work, looking forward to a quiet weekend. Few chores to complete but nothing too strenuous. Still stressed about my daughter's living situation at college (looks like it might turn into a legal matter yuk) but other than that life is good today.

Nothing like the feelings I had yesterday have resurfaced today which is good. I know that talking it out immediately with Kath helped, even though I think it made her anxious about whether I was going to act out or not. We feel so much stronger as a couple to me now it is hard for me to comprehend where we were just a few weeks ago. We went to lunch today with a mutual friend and she noticed the difference in us. Just an absence of tension I guess more than anything.

I am playing poker online right now and I am totally calm and in control. In the old days I would have been off to p as soon as I got a little bored or the game was a little slow. I really like playing and so I am glad that I am able to do so without it affecting me at all. Makes me feel that I am able to be in control even when doing something that though not a trigger would often accompany p (I guess a bit like working alone on the computer).

So I will wish you all a great weekend and see you later.

[want2bebetter]

Hi Chasman, I just read your introduction from when you first joined, in the new members forum, but I figured I'd say hello here instead. You've got a real fight ahead of you, a tough fight, but a winnable fight, and TTF is here to back you up.

My only suggestion for you right now is that online poker sucks. Try double solitaire with K. But regardless, kudos for being strong and self-controlled while playing it. I also recommend browsing some of the writings of the members here, like Daniel who posted above, he's great.

[chasman62]

Three weeks on from the 'Day of Days' for me. Life feels very different to me now. I know that I have a long way to go myself, and perhaps a longer one with my SO (love ya K xoxo) but it feels so good to be on the road that leads upwards into the sunlight.

Not a great deal to report, and I apologize for this journal becoming somewhat repetitive. Nice quiet weekend for the most part, my son nearly getting us killed during his driving lesson notwithstanding. Just normal regular things that normal regular married couples do. Together!

I have not experienced anything again like the craving that I had last Thursday. I think that by talking it out and analyzing it (with K, on here etc) I will be much better prepared the next time the bad dog comes up for some scraps to feed on.

Somebody was writing on here about whether the pa is truly two different people, the 'good' and the 'bad', and I think that is a gross oversimplification myself (although it is a very useful analogy). Everyone has several components to their conscious self and this includes a 'public' component (the you that everyone sees) and the 'secret' self (the you that only you know). What happens in pa (and probably a whole host of other things too) is that the secret self becomes a dominant force. I cant decide for me whether it was p that did that to me, or whether I have always had a tendency to have a need/desire for personal secrets. My guess is that it is the latter and p/mb simply exploited that.

Obviously with something as publicly unacceptable as p/mb compulsion the need for secrecy is paramount and thus this feeds the secret self. It is, therefore, my opinion the reason that a destruction of your secret self by opening up to people is essential if you are going to overcome this problem. I admire greatly those on here who are trying to overcome their pa in secret with only anonymous internet assistance but I question how successful that can ever be. For those with SOs I think it is doomed to failure, since you have simply supplanted one difficult secret situation with another. I certainly know that in my case the times I tried to stop were almost worse for K and the kids than when I was actively using (except probably the past few months when I lurched to the very edge of the final precipice), and I never got close to the point that I am at right now.

Every time we talk, K tells me that it was the secrets, the lying, the anger, the isolation that was more hurtful than what I was actually doing (although that did revolt her and make her not want to be physically close to me) that nearly caused our relationship to end. Even if I never did p again but all the 'stuff' that I did had remained buried and I had never opened up to her I don't believe that we could have ever repaired our marriage. Now I know that we can and I firmly believe that we will. In addition, without the openness that is now there, the power of the secret self would never be conquered (the bad dog would be well fed), the urges and cravings would remain secret, and the temptation to lapse (she wont know...it wont hurt....its just this once) would always be there.

Wow that turned into quite a ramble. I was only going to say that I don't believe that pas are two people, they simply have a disproportionate secret self that needs to be cut down to size, and I am committed to putting mine inside a very small box.

[chasman62]

Nothing specific happened today to make me feel this way, but I feel very down and depressed. I am not sure this is anything more than self pity but that's where I am today.

It started with me thinking about counting up 'days' when I have been doing this s%*t in one form or another for more years than I care to think about and it kind of spiraled from there. I have told so many lies and covered up so much stuff that when I have to try to really think what was 'real' from what was 'fake' I really struggle. One of the SO's posted something about that in relation to her situation and that totally hit home with me. Thank you whoever it was.

The question 'Why' is the hardest one to answer. Is there ever any answer to those horrible 'why' questions. Why did I do any of this, all of this? Why couldn't I stop without my SO forcing the issue? Why was I able to lie constantly to someone I love and who I expected to be truthful to me? Why did I betray that trust over and over again? Why EVEN when things were good between us couldnt I recognize what I had there and quit p and quit chat and quit planning meetings with 'A'?? WHY WHY WHY. Sorry but it is killing me today.

When Kathy initially found out about 'A' in June I arranged a trip for the two of us in October (its also our anniversary). We are still going and I am looking forward to it very much and I know she is too. But today.....I was trying to pick romantic restaurants for us...I thought it would make me feel better. It didnt. All I thought about is how I was doing the same when I was planning to cheat on my wife with someone I had never met. WHY. Is that what all that p had done to me. Degraded me to that point that all I wanted was to live out that virtual world for real. YOU STUPID IDIOT.

The p is nothing to me now. F@#k it! I dont need it and I never will use it again. That is easy. But these other things that I did and nearly did I can't live with right now. They are crushing me down.

Sorry but I am done for today. I hate myself right now.

[Mac]

Hang in there Chas, I was reading your post and really wanted to give you some great advice, but sometimes there just doesn't seem to be anything to say. Some of our worst times are often followed by some real good ones.

Good luck my friend
Mac

[Daniel]

The question 'Why' is the hardest one to answer. Is there ever any answer to those horrible 'why' questions. Why did I do any of this, all of this?

This is the un-answerable question for the PA. You already know that it'll drive you crazy to ponder.

We may be able to conjur up different rationalizations that wrongly supported our excuses to use, and examine our backgrounds and maybe tie in things others did that then triggered us to behave in certain ways..

But the answer to "Why?" may never come.

It reminds me of the "control what you can control" piece of advice in the working world.

You have control over your future in regards to using or not using etc.

Sorry to hear about your being down.

Being down happens, and it's probably perfectly natural and perhaps even a necessary part of being made whole again.

Daniel