My Road to a New Life

[Daniel]

It will take time but the fact that I know I will never ever use again has given me the strength to go on in these past few days.

chasman,

Welcome to TTF.

This post illustrates an absolutely Golden Moment in your journey to freedom: "Never Again"!

And it's enshrined for you and the world to see and behold, the PA can and will move on and heal and recover his self-respect/worth/confidence and earn his SO's trust in the process and become a stronger couple as a result.

It CAN HAPPEN and if you want it, it WILL HAPPEN.

Take Heart!

Glad you're here and looking forward to seeing the rest of your new journal..

Daniel

[Daniel]

First and foremost I do not believe that p and compulsive mb are true physical addictions. They are 'primitive-brain' rewarding behaviors that can lead to compulsion and to massively destructive activities but ithis is not a form of chemical dependancy. ...

chasman,

I noted the element of your story where your habit went super-sonic because of some new element of technology/experience etc.

Many PAs have had that same experience in many ways. It is widely reported here at TTF that some experienced that zing in their habit when the web came along... I had it happen in my own journey when I discovered web-hosted video. Farmer, a now-absent but widely respected "Member Emeritus", also reported this evil aspect in a situation similar to yours.

If you haven't seen his journal yet, take a look. The laser focus he put on recovery is and was really astounding. His honesty is fierce. And it makes for good motivational reading.

Of course there are many excellent journals -sorting by "Views" will show the ones that have been around awhile and you can see for yourself which ones are applicable etc.

On this "Addiction vs. Not an Addiction" aspect... A rose by any other name smells as sweet. If you are taking steps to regain your life and your SO's trust, then it doesn't make much difference (to me), what kind terms or labels you attach to the behavior and the pattern.

I've been told to not admit I'm an addict is to basically say I will return to the behavior at some point because I am in denial that I'm an addict...

I would rejoin that if I actively work to keep P out of my life from here on out, then what difference does the "addict admission" make?

At the same time, I would suggest that if I am willing to "ANYTHING" to be free, then what is the big deal to saying "I am an addict"?

All of this to say in the world of recovery, amid all the various approaches and treatments etc., there are some who will make a stand on this point of admitting you're an addict, thus proceed with wisdom.

Regarding another point: I chose to do it vs. I was conditioned to do it...

I am all for Personal Responsibility and it sounds like you are too.

If someone tried to convince me that my problems really weren't my problems but were my alcoholic-p-using family members' problems, or my emotionally-abusive so-in-so in my family of origin, etc., I would say "baloney". These problems are MINE. I OWN them.

Did those terrible circumstances and experiences cause me to wonder where I could find some comfort? Absolutely. Did that comfort come in P use? Yes. Did P use turn into a Safe House where I could run to escape in an uncomfortable situation? Yes.

So I would say there are a multitude of "contributory causes".

But at the end of the day I am the one in the control room deciding what to do next.

(Insert famous quote from Orson Wells in Citizen Kane: "There's only one person in the world who's going to decide what I'm going to do and that person is me!")

Regarding the physio-chemical aspect of using P, first brought to us by Rowlf in the form of some intriguing articles.

When I first read through them I didn't see the smoking gun behind my behavior but I did see my "Urges Explained", and how the behavior can become ingrained in a Pavlovian Dog sort of way.

FYI:

Sxual Superabundance

Sxual Superabundance II

informative articles in general:

Three Myths about P

Measuring P's Effects: What about the users?

[chasman62]

Thanks Charly and Daniel for your thoughtful responses. I have been incredibly impressed by the level of discourse on this site. It is really refreshing. I don't really want to get hung up necessarily on what this thing is that the PA's on this site have and how we define it.

My only point was that PA and SA or whatever the hell we have is an impulse control disorder/addiction (yes like gambling or shopping or even facebook). There is no intention on my mind to minimize its impact on me (it nearly destroyed my life) or to make it seem like it isn't real. My point was that I don't believe that recovering pa's really suffer physical withdrawal in the way that smokers or heroin addicts do. The 'urge' to indulge your impulsive behavior is certainly there, and god knows there are plenty of people out there willing to exploit that impulse. But the bottom line is that every decision that I made was my own and belongs to me. I too have crutches that I could lean on to explain 'why' I did this (thanks Daniel) but I refuse to use them.

I am now on Day 7 of an m and p free existence so I am by no means an expert but I have suffered nothing that I would class as physical withdrawal. I feel better today in myself that I have for more years than I care to remember. I feel awful for the pain and hurt that I have inflicted on my SO and for that I know we need help to achieve healing, and I need to understand why I degenerated to the point I did.

Thanks to all of you for sharing this most personal of journeys with me. The help and support of the only people who know what this particular hell is like is more valuable than anything else that I can think of.

[Daniel]

I feel better today in myself that I have for more years than I care to remember. I feel awful for the pain and hurt that I have inflicted on my SO and for that I know we need help to achieve healing...

This is one of the bittersweet ironies of the journey at the beginning: we feel completely elated that the monkey is off our back!, the conscience is clean!, the lies are all out in the light of day!, the effort behind the double-life is now put to good use elsewhere!, the days are bright and clear and my whole life is ahead of me!, AND my SO is experiencing some of the most emotionally traumatic days of her life.

The good news: the trails will begin to merge over time & effort.

Right now your in heaven-on-Earth and she (depending on the mood swings) is in Living Hell or [guessing somewhat] Hopeful at Best... It's important to remember this as you start conversations...

I for one vote for you both making it and not just surviving but thriving.

Daniel

[chasman62]

Sitting at my desk at work writing this post. Yesterday was my best day yet. Felt truly alive for the first time in a very long time. I was productive and engaged at work, we had a nice family dinner with the kids and then Kathy and I talked about life, our relationship, the past, the future. All while she sat on my lap and we cuddled together. It was incredible. As I mentioned yesterday I feel such intense love for her now that it is almost overwhelming at times. I have encouraged her to start her own journal on here to describe her feelings about this experience that we are sharing together, and hopefully she will do that today.

This morning we shared our first 'intimate' moment since all this came out just over a week ago. We were just cuddling in bed and it happened. It was very emotional for both of us, and I am still not entirely certain that it was the best thing for us to do. It seems too soon somehow, and I hope it doesnt make me subconciously think that all is magically better now when I know that isnt the case. I wont deny that it felt fantastic and again I was totally engaged with her in the moment, I didnt think of anybody or anything else, I just am a little worried about the impact of that on my recovery.

It is a beautiful morning here in the upper Midwest. We had rain overnight and the air is clear and fresh this morning with maybe even a hint of fall in the air (I know that seems a bit of a corny metaphor!) I had the sunroof open on the car driving to work listening to Ray LaMontagne on my iPod. I love his music and I love to drive and the combination of those two things in my current state of mind just made me feel that it is so good to be alive and I am so fortunate to be in a position to reconnect with the love of my life. I had the iPod just shuffling through his songs when "You Are The Best Thing" came on. There is a verse in that song that sums it all up for me:

"Baby
We've come a long way
And baby
You know i hope and i pray
That you believe me
When i say this love will never fade away."

That is to you kc......

I am a great admirer of Winston Churchill. He was a deeply flawed man who nevertheless achieved great things. After the Allied victory at El Alamein, he addressed the British people on the radio. At the end of the speech he famously said, "This is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end, but it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning".

That is how I feel today. That I have reached the end of the beginning......

[chasman62]

August 25th, my birthday. I am 48 years old. I dont really like birthdays. They bring back bad memories of my childhood, remind me that I am getting old, and tug at my vanity. This one is particularly difficult. It is the first time that I wont be getting a card or a gift or a phone call from my Mum. She died in January of this year, and I miss her more than I can express in words. One of the most painful thoughts that I have is what would my Mum have thought about my whole pa and sa and m, and how that has affected Kathy who she loved dearly and always looked upon as a daughter.I find myself talking to Mum sometimes, usually in the garden here that we planted together, and I have asked her to forgive me. I have sworn to her that I will become the man that she raised me to be. Honorable, faithful, generous of spirit....just like she was.

I don't really want to dwell on my family history too much on here but my brother and I were effectively raised by my mother on her own. My dad had numerous affairs throughout their marriage, and he left when I was 8 years old. I still saw him but he had almost no influence on me at all. I always swore that I would never be like him.....I think that is what they call irony.

Yesterday was a reality check for me in many ways. I started off in a state of euphoria (see my journal entry) and then came crashing down to earth. My crash was precipitated by a text message from Kathy. I was in a meeting at work and just out of habit I checked my phone and there it was...."You know the K-9 password!!" My heart literally sank through the floor. Just five words....but the implication behind them was crushing me. I had to leave the room. I couldn't breathe. People asking me if I was OK. Wow. It was a totally different sensation to when I had been 'caught' before, when I would immediately get furious (with myself and her) and then try to conjure up some bs explanation before calling her on the phone.

I went into my office, closed the door, and shaking I dialed the home phone number. When she answered, there was the familiar hurt, pained, questioning tone in her voice. She had been checking K-9 and had found some entries that were in red, and something about e-mail confirmation of the password. The difference this time was I literally didn't know what she was talking about. I was totally innocent but of course the words coming out of my mouth were the same ones I had used many times before.....and they sounded hollow and empty. Eventually, we went through everything and the sites were in fact links that had been given to me by Daniel in one of his replies to my journal. I presume they were flagged by K-9 because of the words in the pages, although they weren't totally blocked. I reassured her that I had never touched K-9, that I had no idea what the password was, and that I didn't want my gmail address to be linked to K-9 updates or whatever (we had done that when we set the whole thing up).

That event brought me crashing down to earth. She apologized for doubting me, though there was no need since she has every right to doubt me. I haven't been truthful with her before why should this be any different. I know it is different but how can she. Maybe she will never, ever, really trust me again. I have to live with that. I have to make the best life that I can with her knowing that it will never be the way it was before that bomb exploded in our marriage. That realization hurts so badly and it is the millstone that a truly repentant and reformed pa/sa must carry. It is my burden and mine alone and I will bear it.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. The house is crazy right now because my unorganized daughter goes back to college tomorrow and so there is stuff everywhere. We are driving her down, and moving her into her apartment, and then staying with friends for the weekend. It is her 21st birthday on Sunday and so we are all going to an amusement park on Saturday. I am actually looking forward to it even though that is not really my thing. The old me would probably have cried off and used the time for......

Anyway I will be taking a break from journaling for a few days now. See you all next week.

[Daniel]

chasman,

I am very VERY sorry about the K9 flag incident!

K9 and how it works etc., is unfamiliar to me -sounds like it kicked up key words and it sounds like it records sites etc.? I am very sorry.

I hope to see you back after your family adventure feeling much better..

Daniel

[JenMac]

HI Chasman!
Happy Birthday!
I am sorry for the loss of your Mum. That is a very hard thing to get over, I know.
I think it is good that you continue to talk to her and committ yourself to becoming the man she would want you to be. I know that Mac and I have had some of those same conversations about how others would think of him if they were to know about this. Sometimes it can give a jolt when you expand this beyond the SO and include other close people in our life and how they would feel about this.
I really wanted to tell you that Mac and I have had the same panic over K9, especially Mac!, due to not understanding initially how it really worked. I believe it reports all activity, incoming and outgoing and so can red-flag items that we really have no control over. It can be the cause of stress for sure but once you can kind of figure it all out, it's okay.
Your paragraph about the doubt and distrust of your W really hit home with me. Well said, Chasman!
Hope you have a great weekend with your family! Enjoy the moments!
Jenn

[Kathy]

I hope other reader's are reading your paragraph about your dad's affairs properly - that you're (WERE) like him in a different way (via PA, etc) not the physical affairs (except for the one that may have been possible if it wasn't for the fact that you got sloppy with your computer and I just happened to open up an email....).

Oh by the way...Happy Birthday...onto the right path it will be!!! Love you...Kath

[chasman62]

So much for not being able to write in my journal for a few days. That was somewhat presumptuous of me. It presumed I would be able to get a good nights sleep and would be too busy getting ready to take my daughter back to school today. I didnt get a good nights sleep. I havent had a good nights sleep since a week ago last Sunday. I wonder why?

I guess I had never considered what the physical toll on me would be of finally facing up to all that I had done to myself and to my marriage. It is considerable. I can fall asleep alright, but I typically wake up at 3am or 4am with my mind racing. Full of thoughts, full of anguish. For years I have had occasional issues with heartburn and other stomach issues. Now I have them almost constantly. Hopefully these things will pass with time, but right now I am struggling.

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I was 48 years old yesterday. The first birthday in my new life. I dont really 'celebrate' birthdays, I always have issues with being the center of attention, but there really wasnt an option yesterday because there were just too many things to do. One interesting side effect of my decision to reclaim my life is that I have found myself in a different frame of mind at work. I have not been incredibly productive because my mind has been elsewhere, but I have been more positive in my outlook there and more engaged with my coworkers. This is interesting to me, because I had never considered that my p use really impacted my interactions with people other than Kathy and the kids and that clearly was wrong. A clouded messed up mind doesn't just clear when you want it to. The irony of course is that one of the central pillars of the belief system that I created to justify p and mb was that it helped me with stress at work. Just another lie exposed.

I am almost finished with telling people about my problem and my plan for recovery. I know there are many PAs who cant face telling anyone and I totally respect that, but for me I had to allow certain people to know because I need be able to be honest with them and I need their love and support in this process. Yesterday I told my oldest and dearest friends, a couple that I have known since I was in college. A friendship that spans almost 30 years now. Kathy and I are godparents to their son. The wife (S) had sent me a birthday e-mail full of the usual chatty things about their life and the kids and so on and I decided I had to tell them. I wrote it all down in its sordid glory and sent it to her. I haven't heard back yet and although deep down in know they love me and support me, I am fearful that the shock of reading the extent of my depravity may make them recoil away. Maybe that is what gave me stomach problems and is keeping sleep away tonight. I want desperately to receive that return e-mail with some words of reassurance.

Another interesting observation I have made is that with the retelling of my story, my experience of it has changed. When I first told Kathy and first wrote it down it was raw, charged, and I was immersed in the middle of it. Images, people, conversations filled my head and sickened me to the point that I almost physically threw up. This last time when I wrote the e-mail to S it was a surreal, almost out-of-body, experience. I know it was me who did those things but it seemed so absurd and ridiculous that writing it down was now a much more cold and analytical process, almost like writing a case study. I take this as a good sign, and I will discuss it with my therapist when I see him next week.

One final thing before I go is that I have found myself irresistibly drawn to the journals of the SOs. It is not that I am not interested in the struggles of my fellow PAs, it is just that I gain so much understanding from reading what women like my wife have gone through. I am not ashamed to say that I have openly wept at some of them. Just this morning I read a post by tinypieces of a letter she had written to her p abusing partner but never delivered. The power and intensity of the words hit me like a sledgehammer. I am too early in my own recovery to really reach out and help anyone or do anything about this scourge of our society but I know now that once I am firmer ground myself I need to. The myth that p is harmless fun and even a 'hobby' needs to be ruthlessly exposed as the lie that it is, and voices of opposition need to be more mainstream than they currently are. More of this later I am sure.

I have so much more swirling in my head but to crave your indulgence any longer would be asking too much. I will be back here in a few days.

Onwards and upwards.