My Road to a New Life

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Chas-

Thank you for this post. My husband is the same as you. He has attacked phase 2 with a vengeance. He doesn't call it "working a program" or "dealing with urges". He calls it LIVING.

[Charly22]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to read through the PA journals on this site. The SO journals are (generally) so much more thought provoking, contemplative, and downright well written that coming back into this part of the website is a real downer.

No offence guys but to me this is illustrative of part of the problem. Men are just so damn mechanical when it comes to anything, even something as personal and emotional as their psychological and sexual health. Lots of guys are happy to talk the nuts and bolts...how many days without p, announce that they have 'slipped' again (although usually with no real insight into why or what was lacking in their plan for real change), describe how to disable your router or whatever..but we stink at discussing how any of this is really affecting us or our relationships. I often wonder if that is why so many here never really seriously gain any momentum.

Chas,

Perhaps, rather than perceiving this as a downer, you could perceive it as an opportunity. An opportunity to serve others. An opportunity to give the very thing you want to receive. Perhaps your cup is full Chas.....perhaps you need to give it away....in order to recieve more.

I do agree with you, that you are certainly on to that next level. I admire and respect your devotion to your wife.

Here's wishing for continued growth and success.

[rosie]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to read through the PA journals on this site. The SO journals are (generally) so much more thought provoking, contemplative, and downright well written that coming back into this part of the website is a real downer.

No offence guys but to me this is illustrative of part of the problem. Men are just so damn mechanical when it comes to anything, even something as personal and emotional as their psychological and sexual health. Lots of guys are happy to talk the nuts and bolts...how many days without p, announce that they have 'slipped' again (although usually with no real insight into why or what was lacking in their plan for real change), describe how to disable your router or whatever..but we stink at discussing how any of this is really affecting us or our relationships. I often wonder if that is why so many here never really seriously gain any momentum.

I think I have been pretty open in my journal about what happened in my life and what I am doing to improve it. Everything I do now is connected to my 'phase 2' recovery, that is connecting with my loved ones in a more meaningful way (being more open, more accepting, more forgiving) and it isn't easy sometimes...and being genuine and loving towards my spouse (who is my rock and my savior..thanks K ILY)..and working to improve myself as a person. Almost none of it is still bogged down in making sure 'phase 1' is in place ie not going in chatrooms and paying for virtual s*x (which was my thing for those who haven't read the entire sorry tale).

I have found that working on phase 2 is essential to making this whole thing get anywhere. I am doing that both on my own and by meeting with a psychotherapist. He isn't some expert in 'sexual addiction' and we don't emphasize the whole addiction recovery thing (which again in case you haven't noticed tends to be highly mechanical and process-oriented). I don't go to meetings, I don't do SAA, I don't have a sponsor...I am accountable to myself, my wife, my kids, my friends (many of whom know about this). This was a problem in my life that I am putting behind me and I need to be open about where I have been and where I am going to make it happen. There are some deep rooted psychological issues that underly this and I have to explore them in order to continue to make progress.

This isn't meant to be a knock against those who don't want to commit to sharing, or who genuinely feel that 'working' a process is going to make the life change they seek, it is just my observation as I read through these pages and based on my experiences.

I had actually forgotten until I wrote this that today represents 8 months past D-day for me (or 212 days according to the sober calculator). Life is so much better now that it is really hard for me to actually relate to the crazy, messed-up, destructive lunatic who inhabited at least part of my psyche 213 or 214 days ago. Now that I take as a real sign of progress.

Chas

Chas, you come across as a no-bs kinda guy - thats why I love reading your posts. I love that you cut to the chase. Perhaps this has made your recovery easier for you? You seem focused and (sorry) but a bit pig headed - these are great qualities when fighting addiction! Not to say your struggle has been easier than others, but I can see how these personality traits might have both negatively and positively impacted your recovery.

You rock Chas!!!!!! Come back!! Maybe you can volunteer to mentor some folks! :D

[chasman62]

Thanks (I think!) Rosie for those comments. I actually have posted a couple of things on other people journals in the last couple of days...and got very positive feedback for one of them, so yes I will try to make suggestions and offer some help where I think I can.

I actually think that the biggest key to my success has been learning to deal with stressful situations in a different way. Accepting things that are out of your control better, and not getting mad or angry when life doesn't always go your way. That has made living my 'real' life a lot more pleasant and has decoupled me from the need to have a 'fantasy' life with all the negative crap that that brought with it.

I am still very much a work in progress, but I think people can see the difference in the way I react to situations.

When I read a lot of the posters on here it seems to me that their fixation with their p use as the 'cause' of all their angst and issues is part of the problem. To me, it is much more likely that it is an effect of all the negativity, stress, and angst that you have in your life rather than the cause of it. The frustration you feel about it simply piles onto what you already are experiencing to create that hopeless feeling of being stuck in a vortex from which there is no escape. I am convinced that if it were not s*xchat rooms then I would have been involved in some other compulsive self-destructive behavior. Just pick your poison unless you commit to really changing your whole outlook on your life.

I also realize that I am very fortunate in that there was this fulfilling life waiting for me in a state of suspended animation as it were. Quite why my K was still there I really don't know but she was and so were my kids and my friends, and I feel now that I have returned to them somehow. Without that anchor in ones life I think it must be very hard not to just drift along and I think we all need those connections to be whole. So yes, in that sense, it has been easier for me than for others where those connections were either severed (in part no doubt because of p addiction) or never existed in the first place.

Anyway, I will continue to post here if and when I have something to say and try to express my own philosophy on this (which is somewhat different to the mainstream) where I think it might be of help.

Chas

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Chas... haven't chatted with you in a while and I noticed a few days ago you said;

I am finding it increasingly difficult to read through the PA journals on this site. The SO journals are (generally) so much more thought provoking, contemplative, and downright well written that coming back into this part of the website is a real downer.

I felt the same way and kept away from the PA's for a while and then got drawn back in by a few things that were said and felt I needed to speak up. I like it when you speak up and express your philosophy which indeed is somewhat different to the mainstream... that's what makes it so special! There are all kinds of people here at TTF because this compulsive self-destructive behavior you spoke of doesn't limit itself to a certain kind of person so having such a diverse bunch here is all the more supportive and helpful. I for one am glad you survived and came back to your life that was waiting for you in suspended animation... I get such a kick out of the words you choose.

PS. are you and K in suspended animation now cause I haven't seen you in chat in a while?

[chasman62]

So I have been seriously considering my involvement at TTF for a while now and I actually discussed this with my therapist the other day.

I went through a period of time where I was actually angry at the guys on here who were failing in their attempts to quit, to the point where I basically stopped reading the journals and stopped posting on anything but the general discussion topics. This was a very negative state of mind for me, and the complete opposite of the attitude that I am trying to cultivate during my 'phase 2' recovery. My therapist really didn't have any great insight other than he thought that it wasn't a healthy way to act and he advised me to either quit being here at all or actually start contributing in a positive meaningful way (because he thinks I have a lot of good insight into this and all the work I have done myself could be used to help other people).

So I thought about it some, and I thought about how much other people (specially JM for the SOs) give to provide advice to others and I thought that I need to be here and I need to try to reach out where I think I can be a positive influence on people. I think my anger was more reflected anger at myself for being one of these 'weak-minded fools' than it was anger at those individuals whose journals I was reading.

I have a positive story to tell. I am almost 8 months free from a habit that sucked me in progressively over almost 15 years. I think I have a pretty good idea about what works and what doesnt and I believe there is value in me sharing that with people. I dont sugar coat stuff and I have a pretty good bullshit detector mechanism (takes one to know one) and I think there is a need for that. I am on the road to having a wonderful rest of my life and I want everyone who has reached the point of desperation with this crap to have the same, and to that end I will try to offer whatever advice I can.

I want to see more success stories on here and if I can help make that happen then I will. I joined the 100 day count just to show those starting out where this can take you if you want it to.

Oh and thanks Jenn for those encouraging words yesterday.

Wishing everyone a great weekend.

Chas

[IN NEED OF HELP]

So I thought about it some, and I thought about how much other people (specially JM for the SOs) give to provide advice to others and I thought that I need to be here and I need to try to reach out where I think I can be a positive influence on people. I think my anger was more reflected anger at myself for being one of these 'weak-minded fools' than it was anger at those individuals whose journals I was reading.

I have a positive story to tell. I am almost 8 months free from a habit that sucked me in progressively over almost 15 years. I think I have a pretty good idea about what works and what doesn't and I believe there is value in me sharing that with people. I don't sugar coat stuff and I have a pretty good bullshit detector mechanism (takes one to know one) and I think there is a need for that. I am on the road to having a wonderful rest of my life and I want everyone who has reached the point of desperation with this crap to have the same, and to that end I will try to offer whatever advice I can.

Wishing everyone a great weekend.

Chas

I am so glad to hear this Chas. I for one have a lot of respect for you, and the way you say things to others. Sure, at times no none wants to hear what you have to say, but when it is all said and done, it is just something that they really needed to hear.

I do love your NO SUGAR COATING, OR BULL SHIT attitude in this. this one addiction that you can not sugar coat, so you need to just say it as it is. I for one, will be looking forward in to what you say to others. no matter what you say to one, it helps everyone who reads what you wrote
Just be gentle on me Chas, if you go to my journal. I know you are still out to get me, because I stole your journal name when I came here. but honest, I didn't know it was taken already. (kidding)

You will be a big encouragement to many here, and I am glad you are going to help others

[Kathy]

"YESSSSSS" - that's mi Chas!!!

Love you always...

K

(bighug)

[JenMac]

HI Chas!
I think it is great that you are going to stick around and inspire others in their healing here. People need to see the successes that are here to feel a bit of hope when they are starting out. I am so happy that you and a few others are here to provide that inspiration!! You are right, there are definately words of wisdom that can be shared by others who are further along the path in their own recovery.
Thank you for the kind words Chas! They mean a lot to me!
Glad you are staying! It is definately good for the soul to give back what has been given to you! You will in turn find you actually get so much more!!
Thanks Chas!!
Jenn
ps. and oh yes, go easy on my friend INOH! He already knows all about this!

[Mac]

Hey Chas

Really liked your post today my friend and I also like your new approach. I think it is important for all of us to approach things here in a manner of, how we can find a way to help each other through this, no matter what situation we are in. We all learn things from the strangest places at times and you never know where that will be, it's important to keep our eyes and minds open to this.
I also feel it is equally important in our recovery to help others when we can, the way we where helped when we came here.
I too would like to see lots more success stories here and I think we can help make that happen.

Thanks for giving me a refocus.

Mac