Frustrated's Journal - PA

[2frustrated]

It's been three days, which is no milestone for me by any means. Three months would be a milestone. Six months, and I'd feel like a champ. One year--I'd feel recovered. My problem, then, is getting through that 3-day to 3-month mark. Why can I go for weeks without P and feel so great about myself, and then suddenly -- bam!-- I look at P "just one more time," and then I look almost daily?

The key issue is purpose. What purpose does P serve for me? What about myself am I so uncomfortable with that I gravitate toward an addiction to feel grounded? This is what I must think on. And, in the meantime, I don't foresee the "urge" for P coming on in the next few days. I'll keep my progress posted nonetheless.

[Desert Ghost]

2Flustrated Have you given some serious thought as to how long you have been using "P",and what you are getting out of "P" use. Because "P" use alters your brain chemistry and can take 30 or more days to stabilize out after you quit using "P".

[StarPuppy]

Hey 2frustated, I think its good to think of all those things..write out a list on why you wanted to stop P and the positive and negatives of them

Anyway tell us more about your day, this journal need not be just about your fight against P but your views of life and problems and joy you faced during the day

[2frustrated]

I was surprised at how I felt when reading responses to my journal. I knew how comforting it would be to have people providing support, but I had no idea to what extent. It's a remarkable feeling to have others--total strangers, no less--offer their unconditional support. There is a certain magic in the effect--a healing power--that speaks volumes for the merit of an online community forum such as this one. It's difficult to verbalize, but I'm sure most of the people here can understand.

Anyway . . .
Desert Ghost and StarPuppy offered some suggestions to help me make the most of this journal.

First, my history of P:

I suppose my first encounter with P was simply being aroused as a pre-teen by all of my sisters' catalogues and beauty magazines floating around the house. I knew things existed such as Playboy, but had never seen one of those magazines until about 13 or 14. Thus I didn't really categorize a catalogue or magazine as porn, but I just knew it made me feel good to look at them.

At 13 or 14 my cousin showed me some of the "really cool" stuff that he had recorded on late-night cable TV: you know, those [particular] movies and so forth. He had also acquired an issue of *removed*. He told me about MB (he was going through puberty), which made me curious about it. Before I knew it, I was hooked--without realizing I was hooked. My teenage years were punctuated with smuggling catalogues and magazines into my room.

So far, I don't think my experience was much different from most aother American adolescent males. But combined with that was an extremely strong sense of sin/guilt instilled by my parents. Even though my parents never bothered to talk to me about sex, I felt deeply that MB was wrong, and felt lots of shame/guilt every time I did it. This made me feel less worthy as a person, which, ironically, made MB more appealing--an escape from my own worthless self.

I suppose that is where the brain chemicals come in that Desert Ghost was talking about. I psychologically craved the body chemistry--the escape--that P and MB provided.

As with nearly everyone on this site, the advent of the internet delivered the final impetus to my PA. Thousands, millions of women available to look at, for free! And they all looked like they wanted me. I could erase the history and have no record of my sin (though, like Dorian Gray, I felt there was some really ugly picture of me somewhere, getting more hideous by the day). There were so many images online, that I couldn't wait until the next chance to look around, relishing in what new arrangement of feminine beauty I might encounter--fearing that, if I didn't look hard enough, I might miss the most attractive of them all.

I looked at P sporadically through college, then a lot more during grad school when I lived alone. I said I'd stop when I married. I didn't stop. I said I'd stop when my wife was pregnant. I didn't. So here I am, 18 years after my first P/MB, on this site--a place I would have been horrified ten years ago to know that I would eventually need to come here. But I am here, and I'm thankful for it.

That's the general account of my history on the matter. Now, as StarPuppy recommended, I think it would be good to list the positives and negatives of quitting P.

I want to quit for the following reasons:
1. I think it's wrong.
2. It wastes way too much time.
3. I feel it's a betrayal to my wife.
4. It contributes toward anxiety/depression.

The part of me that doesn't want to quit says:
1. A little P won't harm anyone.
2. The female body is a beautiful thing, and should be admired.
3. It's feels so good to do it.
4. What if I'm missing the best picture ever of "____" model? (fill in the blank)

Now, clearly, the reasons to quit carry much more weight than their opponents, but the opposing reasons are very good at shutting off and clouding over my good conscience when I'm caught up in looking at P.

That covers everything I wanted to write today, but for those interested, I will also add a word on why I think P is wrong:
1. Human beings are spiritual creatures, that is, over and above any other animal form, granted with unique powers of cognition and creativity that no other species has. To view porn is to downplay this unique trait of humanity, and thus bring humanity down to the level of the lower animals. (Sexuality in context (committed relationship) is different, because it serves to foster, rather than destroy, those unique human traits through a productive relationship, increasing the potentiality of each partner.)

2. The porn industry has done more harm than good overall. To look at it is to contribute to it, and thus contribute to the overall harm of society.

3. Viewing P compromises the way in which one looks at other individuals. That is, others become objects. The objectification of others is the first step toward violence and abuse.

4. Every naked person you look at is a wife/mother/daughter. Though, presumably, the models poses voluntarily, the viewer is hurting the husband/child/parent/sibling of the model. No matter how pure looking or official P is made to look, there is a nebulous hidden background of hurt, shame, betrayal, etc.

[Charly22]

The insight that you show in your journal is very touching.....thank you....

[2frustrated]

I don't know if, for the journal, I'm supposed to just continue this thread, or start a new one each time . . . .

I'm into my second week of being P free. I feel a LOT better about myself, and feel more motivated to do things. At first I didn't have the urge to look at P, but yesterday and today I started thinking about it a little more. What makes it so that one day I think virtually not a thought about it, then another it pulls from the back of my head like the Greek Sirens? Does anyone have insight into this? Fortunately, the "call" hasn't been strong enough where I have to fight it.

[65Ford]

I would submit that the strength of the call doesn't matter - even a weak call you still have to fight, and in this case you won. But the stronger the call, the harder the fight, and the greater the victory.

Your path follows a similar one to mine. I'm always comforted to read it's not just me, and I hope you feel the same.

Of course you really hit on one of the big questions for me in your last post. Why do I hardly think about it all one day, then another it seems to be the dominant force? I wish I knew. I don't know if there is a common thread that on days I feel more stressed or tired I feel the need more, or when I'm bored. Since I'm not often bored, I don't think that's it.

For me, I think coming to grips with that unknown, with that confusion, is what finally led me to acknowledge that this is an addiction, it's something in my head. The "rational" me finds all of this repulsive and disgusting, as I suspect most of us do. Heck, I'm married, I've had numerous female bosses and colleagues that I get along great with, I've had many friends and associates who are women. "I" respect women and disdain anything that goes against this, i.e., p. And yet "i" (I'll go with the lower case here, since "I" do not want that side to dominate) indulge in activities that go against the fabric of this philosophy. Why? Therein lies the focus of our journey.

I hope that didn't ramble too much. Thanks for the great posts.

[2frustrated]

Thanks for the comments, 65Ford (nice car, btw). You didn't ramble at all. Your thoughts were right on the money. This morning I realized at least part of the reason why some days are worse than others. It is definitely related to stress, as you said; but for me I think feeling vulnerable is an even greater factor.

"When do fantasies come into my mind the most?" I ask myself. Usually in the morning, when I wake up too early and want to go back to sleep, then my mind fills with P fantasies, or simply thoughts of moments with former girlfriends. Such ideations numb my mind away from reality, and I am lulled to sleep. At first, then, the behavior seems an escape--a way of relaxing myself to go back to sleep. But those moments of waking are also when I feel most vulnerable. It is when I am the least protected against my own self. I haven't had the whole day to build a blockade against feeling my emotions. I wake up and, BOOM, there I am--me--in my raw, unadulterated form. It is uncomfortable; I want to escape from it. What more direct way to escape than fantasy? I fantasize about a woman, and then my true self--the me that I am afraid of--dissolves into the background, where it cannot harm me.

But, the truth is, that "true self" will not harm me. It is merely discomfort, repressed shame, and fear that drive me to push that self away. What, then, must I do? Embrace myself, in all aspects. Embrace each and every emotion that murmurs from within: fear, anger, love, joy, hopelessness, confusion, peace, anxiety, contentment, sadness. No need to run. There will be no cataclysmic moment where such feelings will overwhelm you. You are scared of those feelings because you never let yourself feel them before--at least not to their full extent. It is, then, fear of the unknown. Know it, and the fear will dissipate. Light casts out darkness. Fear is based on ignorance, and knowledge casts out fear.


[Wow, this journal really is turning out to be a journal (i.e., diary). It's cathartic, and I don't know what I'd do without it.:)]

[2frustrated]

I messed up today, and posted about it in the addict support forum. Someone replied already and it has helped. I don't feel as down on myself as usual--maybe because it's not such a secret any more, now that I'm on this site.

[2frustrated]

Still don't know if I'm supposed to continue this thread or start a new one for journal entries. If anyone knows, please advise.

I've had a good few days since I slipped.

Last night I had a dream that I was at work, and P ads (actually anti-spyware ads) kept popping up on my computer. I quickly tried to get rid of them, but an automatic alert was sent to upper management and a tech came to diagnose the problem. I guess I fear P is still lurking around and will pop up at any time in my life.