Who is this person

[Mac]

This is my first post on TTF, although I have been reading a lot of info in the forums the last few weeks. I have got a lot of inspiration from the postings of both PA's and SO's. The honest and open manner in which everyone shares their pain and anguish is that inspiration.

It has been 7 weeks now since my SO found P on my home office computer. I had been hiding my use, as my SO has always had very strong feelings against this type of stuff. It has been quite an emotional ride ever since. In what I have been reading this roller coaster of emotions is a normal thing for couples dealing with this kind of deceit.

During the last several painful weeks, I have had to step back and take a very serious look at myself and my moral values. I feel I have come to terms with the fact that I am dealing with an addiction.

Sporadically over the years I have accessed P by way of books, magazines and the odd video. I never really looked at it as a problem, just something I seemed to be drawn to at times. 10 or 11 years ago we had a situation where my SO found some videos that I had been hiding away and there was a pretty big crisis over this, but we were able to get past it and I felt that I had put this behavior behind me. It has now been this 10 or 11 years since I last used P of any kind, but 6 or 7 months ago I fell off the wagon in a big way. My use of p was short lived, but the acceleration of my use was nothing short of scary. I can't believe how much it had sucked me in. I went from accessing P a couple of times in a month to a couple of times a week to several times a day. The fact that it is now out in the open sure hasn't been easy, but I do feel like I am glad it has come out, as I'm sure it would have gotten a lot worse.
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[Mac]

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I don't take any consolation from the fact that this was fairly short lived, as I feel I am no less of an addict than someone who has been using it for years. I have a lot of questions in my mind as to why this seems to be something that keeps coming up in my life.

This latest situation has created a huge crisis in my relationship with my SO. It has come as a big surprise to her to find this out. She also thought it was a thing of the past.

There have been endless conversations about the deception and the distrust this has created. A lot of these conversations have centered around my moral values and the damage this has caused to a very close and intimate relationship with my SO. We have been married for over 30 years, have 2 grown children and were living a seemingly perfect life together. Dealing with this has been very hard for both of us, as neither of us is used to talking with anyone other than each other when we have a problem. Hearing what my SO has to say at times about the hurt I have caused her and the feelings of loss (like someone has died) sends me into such feelings of guilt and shame that I feel I will burst. I do feel though that these feelings are a necessary evil for me to come to be able to come to terms with the breadth of this whole thing. MY SO has been a huge support for me (seems ironic that I am leaning on her) I guess we are leaning on each other. We have been sharing alot of info back and forth with each other from this site and other sources and that definitely helps keep the lines of communication going and a feeling of working towards common goals. I vow to continue to keep an open mind and seek out any information I can find that will aid in my recovery from this addiction. I know I have a lot to learn to come through this, but I do feel I have already learned a lot as well.
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[Mac]

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I think the most important thing I need to learn from this experience in order to truly put this behavior behind me for good, is to understand the real nature of this sad and oppressive industry that I have been supporting. I have been reading some info on this and my SO passed along some info from actual people in the industry that really struck a chord with me. I will fill my mind with this information until I develop a distain for this industry that will make me an advocate for it's demise rather than a supporter. I really hope I will see the industry for what it really represents.

I have never been the type of person to dig very deep about my feelings or give a lot of thought about who I really am, but in dealing with this crisis I have been forced to do just that and I will say, that at this point I am not very impressed with what I have found. I think I have always looked upon myself as a good, honest and fun loving guy and I think most people around me would say the same thing. My feelings right now are that I am fooling myself as well as a lot of others around me. This seems a little self loathing and I do feel a huge amount of shame and guilt, but hopefully it will be a starting point from which I can head in a good direction.

I have sarted counselling and will continue, I will do everything I can to support my SO, I will seek out any information I can find that will help me through this.

I hope I didn't ramble too much with this. Mac

[OpenEyes]

What ever you do, involve your SO. Keep her in the loop and consult her. Tell her everything. It is best to hurt a heck of a lot then start the healing than to heal some, then open the wond again. read any SOøs journal, you will see that, that is the truth. Be open to ideas that may scare you. I did not want to admit I am a PA, but I am. Other things are coming out as well. If you keep at it, keep an open mind and communicate honestly with your SO (who, will not be trusting you, if you followed the rest of us and lied to your SO about the P), then things will work out, but it will take time.

I wish you all the wisdom of the Dali Lama,

OpenEyes

The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart. ~Julien Green

[Life-lies-trust]

Mac,
Have your wife read the SO journals and start one of her own. She will find that there are several of us SO's who have been married for about 30 or more and were blinded sided by our H addictions.

For my H this has been an exploration of his childhood and the abuse that he had hidden from everyone. Too bad that it took almost 40 years for him to start to open up. This addiction is a evil thing that eats everyone up. Stay the path and keep up your work and recovery.

[Mac]

I appreciate the replies.
It was a big step for me to post for the first time.
I will continue to gather knowledge and support from this site.
Mac

[still learning]

From what I've learned on this site honesty is the best policy! My "friend" is a PA and talks very openly with me about it. I am honored that he trusts me with this very personal information. I'm sure your SO feels the same. Good luck on your journey to recovery!

[Mac]

As i struggle along with my recovery from PA i have a lot of different thoughts that go through my head.
A recurring thought that just keeps coming back to me as I try to rebuild my relationship with my SO, as well as rebuld my self esteem is, who was this person that showed up in our lives one day and destoyed everything that was important to us.
I have such a difficult time seeing myself as that person. It's like it was someone else that i don't even know. I feel that I have made some good headway in coming to terms with this.
I have been P free for nearly 3 months and I vow to continue working on my recovery as i never want to see this person show up again.
Just my thought for today.

Mac

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

MAC-

Good job on 3 months!

I think many people struggle with "who is this person?" The husband I thought I knew turned out to be completely different than the person he really was. Now as he moves on with his recovery, he is turning into a different person yet. And as an SO, I don't recognize myself at times since this PA stuff has brought out the worst in me.

This is a thought provoking post, and I think PAs and SOs sturggle with identity as we go through this process.

[Desert Ghost]

I am a PA and I can understand the trouble of identity When I started my recovery I'd look in the mirror and ask "who the hell are you?" Pardon the language but that is how it was then, now I have come to realize that the person that I now see is the one that I am becoming by my choice. But now that I am working my twelve step program, I have torn-down the facade and have started to rebuild the me. Which is going to be a better person, and the addict is slowing being replaced by this new self.

Because I always viewed myself an a good and honesty person, with integrated that anyone could count on. Then I came to the realization that was just a facade that I had developed for the world to see. Then inside was a self-centered, selfish little boy who only thought about himself and cared for no one. As long as his own needs were taken care of no matter what.