Who is this person

[Disillusioned]

So good to know that it is possible, Mac. Do you know how many SOs and PAs are going to read it and think let it be me!!
Glad it was relaxing for you, like the calm before the storm of the workweek. Your boss is headed for a heart attack, remember that.
Even God rested the 7th day after creating the world. The body needs work, but it also needs to let down, relax and recuperate.
I am thankful you know to take the time to do just that. Your weekend with Jenn sounds absolutely enviable to a lot of us.

You are younger than I and might not remember this song, but it came to me in thinking about you and Jenn and your weekend. The words go:
There never seems to be the time, to do the things you wanna do, once you find them..."

[Mac]

Mac Here
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting here after a very nice day of doing a bit of renovation work, nice dinner with Jenn, nice visit with some old friends, all is right with the world, but I am really quite pissed off right now.
After a nice day of just hanging around home and doing a bit of work on the bathroom reno. We went to visit our dear friends for a bit. We have been good friends with these people for 30 years and they are in a situation were he has become a constant caregiver for his wife who is in major failing health. I watched my friend in the way he treated wife and I was amazed at his patience and the respect he was able to show her under very the trying circumstances he is faced with. This is his life. This is what he does everyday. J and I have watched this amazing and vibrant lady we have known for so long fade into a mere shell of herself and it just kills us to see her like this. I thought tonight just how devastating this must be for him and yet he is there just doing what he can to do the right thing for her. This is the foundation of love as it should be. I am very humbled by my friend's ability to deal with what has been put in his lap.
So why am I pissed off?
Wasted time and energy dealing with PA. That's what makes me mad, plain and simple.
What an absolute waste of time in a very short life.
I pray i live long enough to make up for what has been lost.
I pray for continued strength for my friend, he is doing the right thing.

Mac, still mad at me

[Mac]

I am sitting here thinking about what a good place I am in. I am so thrilled with the accomplishments that Jenn and I have made.
And so why am I feeling so distressed these days?
For the past little while I have been struggling with feelings that I have a hard time identifying. Some anger towards myself and the situation that I find myself in. Some insecurities, actually huge insecurities. Why do I feel like Jenn is going to walk out the door tomorrow and be with someone else? I don't actually feel that way but for some reason in the back of my mind I feel that to some extent. Ever since I woke up this morning I have felt very emotional and vulnerable. In fact I have felt that way for 2 weeks. My struggle right now is that there is nothing that Jenn is doing that is making me feel this way, but for some reason I can't get to a place where I can understand where these feelings are coming from.
I have had dreams in the past along the line of Jenn leaving me, and this past week I have had another one. I can't help but feel that these dreams are because of my past and the fear of retribution for what I have put her through.
Sitting here wide awake I don't have those thoughts, so where does this come from?
I am struggling with the intensity of my feelings. I am trying to understand why I feel such anxiety. What is driving that? I believe it is my own insecurities for what I have done in the past. I feel like a head case. I do. I so much want to get to the bottom of this.
I feel like I want to blame Jenn, but I have such a struggle finding fault with anything she does. I have no right to ever find fault.
I feel so conflicted with everything that is coming at me. I feel so conflicted and I feel like I am in a vulnerable state.
I feel like I have these feelings but I have no right to these feelings after all I have put Jenn through.
It is like I have all of these feelings but I can't act on or justify these feelings. I can't reconcile why these feelings are there. Is it nothing more than my insecurities, my fear of the past catching up with me?
Jenn tells me my feelings are my feelings. HA, that is a bunch of BS! They are driving me around the bend today. I find if I can't run my feelings to ground I can't reconcile my feelings and that is what is driving me nuts! I understand what she is saying but if you can't reconcile those feelings where do you go with it? If you don't feel like your feelings have any validity, how do you come to terms with them?
I guess the bottom line is I need to understand where these insecurities are coming from. That is what is causing my turmoil. Having these feelings and the conflicted feelings that come from them makes it hard to understand where this is coming from.
Well I think I always have rambling posts, but I think I may have just outdone myself.
Thanks for listening!
Mac (the headcase) out!

[betrayed family]

Mac,
I wish I had some words of wisdom or a specail way of relieving your anxiety, pain and feelings of insecurity, unfortunately ... I don't.
What I do have is a hand of friendship that I am extending to a FRIEND who has a beautiful, caring, compassionate heart and who contnues to strive to be the BEST Mac you can be... and who has touched so many hearts by sharing yourself here.
I truely believe that this time for you, although scarey and painful, will be short lived.... You can't keep a GOOD MAN down!!!
HUGS for who you are... and for the giving supportive heart you share...

Be Safe
Betrayed family

[FoolishMind]

Mr Big MAC! wooaah there, thats a heck of lot to get your head round. and if your explanation is anything to go by, you must be in a slightly confused state. I would never have said that you rambled, but this post for sure, I could see your not yourself. As you know no one else can really help you work things out, even Jenmac cant, but where do you start?

I too wish I had some advice, or experience to call, but being totally crap I dont, so instead I just sit here and waste your journal space by giving you some ramble back.

So lets try a little story of the cuff, to try and dispel some insecurities and vulnerability.

Once upon a time in a sweet little village, within a sweet little forest
there was a little family that lived in a sweet little cottage
In the sweet little cottage lived a sweet little family
there was mummy who was called "cheese"
there was daddy who was called "mac"
and little baby mac called "quick boil"

One day cheese said she was going to the shops to buy some food.
bye bye Mac said cheese
Bye bye Cheese said Mac

Quick boil wanted to play, but Mac said no, he had to work
Quick boil then had a tantrum, much to Mac's dissapointment
Quick boil had a very big temper, and Mac could not take any more
So Mac ate Quick Boil

Infact, Mac thought Quick boil was quite tasty.

A few hours passed, and CHeese came home.

Hello Mac
Hello Cheese, Mac replied

Hello Quick Boil...
there was no reply.
Mac, have you seen Quick Boil
No Cheese I have not.
Oh dear, where has he gone.

Mac started to feel guilty, but he did not want to tell Cheese about his culinary affair, so he maintained his silence.

Cheese was getting so stressed out, Mac kept watching her, and started to see that she was about to melt.

Oh no Mac, I can feel myself melting. Oh gosh, Im sorry Cheese, please dont melt, Its all my fault

What do you mean? said Cheese
I ATE QUICK BOIL!!!! Waaaaaaaahh

CHeese stopped melting, but it was clear she was scarred, it was like she was partially grated.

Cheese was speechless

Can you ever forgive me? Mac said with the sincerest curvature of the spine

Are you sure your sorry Mac? Are you sure if we have another child, you will not eat it?

I promise, I promise, repeated Mac

Years went buy, and Mac N CHeese were stronger than ever, but every now and again, Mac did worry that the memories of Quick Boil would always prevail. He would look at CHeese, and wonder, wouldnt she be better of with my friend Toast.

He shared his thoughts with Cheese.

Cheese said calmly, Mac...I love you. I cant stop you thinking of me with Toast, or Potato, or even Tomato. But Im telling you, I love you, and yes of course the scare are on me, plain to see. I will miss Quick Boil of course, but I am still here with you, I am not a spread, I am not a slice. I am a solid block, and I want to be with you.

This really helped Mac, and they embraced and cuddled up in the baking tray, and covered themselves in breadcrumbs and set themself to 180 degrees and closed the door for about 40 mins.

They lived happily ever after.

[HopefulsRock]

Dearest Mac... I love your opening sentence,

what a good place I am in. I am so thrilled with the accomplishments that Jenn and I have made.

...that's the Mac & Mac's that I know. A while back I was down for some reason and couldn't figure out how to get out of it until a good friend of mine told me, "Your a lucky man... beautiful wife, nice home and a loving family... you've got it all my friend!" That just floored me in a humbling way and tears rolled down my face as I realized how right he was and I really think that was a turning point in my recovery...... thank you for that Mac. I guess my point would be that once you realize your opening sentence about what a good place your in... the rest doesn't really need to be figured out does it because you're where you want to be, all you have to do is enjoy it ...that's all!

[Disillusioned]

Mac,
I'm probably way off base here, but do you think this unsettled feeling of losing Jenn, might be the visit with the friends where one of the loving partners is suffering from a chronic illness that is terminal? They are experiencing a slow loss of themselves, and there is no hiding of this one. Perhaps it is seeing that and knowing that time has been lost that will never be regained. But there have been positive outcomes to this. Even though it was painful and not wished for either one of you, it made both of you work to rebuild what you had, and the end point of all of this is that the two of you as a unit are stronger and more close than you were before. It cost you both dearly, and for that I am deeply sorry, but you worked through it, and are still working to stay close, understand this thing, and your love and work shine like a beacon to a wearied lot that are still struggling.
The end is coming for all of us, and one day, one of you will be alone and left missing the other. How much better that will be than ending divorced and with one of you missing the best part of his remaining days lost in P. My mom cried on the way home from her parent's farm after my grandfather's funeral in 1966. In my young awkwardness, I told Mom that I was sorry she lost her father. She said she was not crying because she lost him; she was crying for what they had missed and never will be. Try to look in and see where this is coming from. There is a big chill in people around our age, and that is that we are the next generation to disappear from the planet. You are making your dash, between the year of your birth and the year of your death, mean something that will be a legacy and gift that will feed others for many years after you are gone. Jenn hasn't gone anywhere. In fact, if you turn, I am sure you will see her right by your side, sharing your work, and loving and supporting you. Thank you both for your loving example.

[HopefulsRock]

OK, I can't quite wrap my head around FM's story but I think I get the gist of it...

Somewhere outside of a little Canadian town lived this sweet family in their summer cottage. The man "Mac" Daddy and his sweetheart "Mummy" Cheese were getting hungry but "Mac" Daddy's culinary skills weren't so good and he felt guilty but after a quick boil they cuddled and lived happily ever after.

.....................and the cheese did not stand alone - THE END

[Mac]

Well thanks everyone for your kind words of encouragement. Very much appreciated.

BF
The insecuriteis were definately short lived. You know I guess I do strive to be the best i can be everyday now, I think that inadvertantly may have helped cause some of this. Things where out of sorts a little and I knew they were and couldn't quite indentify them.

FM
Geez that is quite a story. I understand what you are telling me , I think. If nothing else you have a good imagination. Haha!

Rock
I am definately in a great place right now, both J and I are.
I remember telling you about how lucky you are. I really feel like I know and appreciate that myself. Maybe a little reminder from a friend won't hurt a bit. It's something i never want to forget for one minute.

Disillusioned
You felt you might have been way off base with your thoughts of how i may have been affected by the struggles of our friends. Well to be honest you couldn't be more right on. Seeing the struggles of some of the people around us has really made me feel a lot of anger towards myself for the time my PA has wasted in our short lives. That is just one side of that, for when i stop and think of where J and I have come to today my thoughts certainly are not about anything wasted, quite the contrary for sure.

Anyway my struggles have passed at this point and i am back to my good feellings. The good feelings that support my recovery and keep me close in my relationship with J. I'm afraid these struggles and insecurities have now created some struggles and insecurities with J and once we can deal with that all will be back on track.
I feel i have nailed down the cause of my struggles and i am have learned and i am moving forward a smarter man.

I have more thoughts on this situation, but i have to go to work, will be back to this later

Mac

[Mac]

Mac here
Back home tonite from my business trip. Bit of an arduous trip home that involved a dead rental car, a missedflight and then a malfunctioning computer on the aircraft. I guess they got it fixed as we did get here.
Busy few days away, but did have some time to reflect on my issues of the past while.
Feeling good, but still glad to be back home to my support and comfort headquarters. It all happens from right here.
You know, I feel like we have come along in our recovery to the point where there is a certain comfort level with things and I recognize that this has allowed me to start reaching into some other areas of recovery that haven't really been touched on yet. Namely stepping back to look at how all this past crap and dealing with it fits into my life in the future as i move ahead. How much of it do i have to keep with me as a good reminder of living a life in a good honest place. What can I afford to just dump in the trash bin and leave behind forever. These are some thoughts that have been running around in my mind and I have yet to be able to nail down the exact path i need to take. I read stuff here that can still bring up some real uncomfortable feelings. If it still creates a place that is not comfortable for me, i feel it still is not completely dealt with. Am I right?
Anyway that is were my mind was going and still is and this, along with some other things going on with some friends, really created a bit of a mini crisis for me. Just kind of sent me to a place of being pissed off to have to be here, dealing with this crap when there just has to be better things to be doing.
I will run this thing to ground sooner or later. Maybe it is just to soon for me to be trying to understand the questions i am asking myself and I realize i simply don't need to know right now, what it is of my recovery that i need to keep with me and what to let go.
For now i will just keep doing what has worked for me and be grateful for the place it has put me. you know I was thinking today that maybe the questions i have, never need to be answered. Like i said maybe just doing what I'm doing is all that is needed. In fact looking for an ending to this is something i have always admonished other guys for and maybe that is exactly what i was doing.
Oh well all is well that teaches you something.
Rambling is done for now

Mac