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[Daniel]

I read a lot about people having relapses. At this point i have not had anything even close to a relapse and have not even had thoughts about P.

Mac

Mac,

For your reference, I also went for several months during my initial recovery where I had zero desire to relapse. Given, some of the usual outlets were blocked (activity monitor on PC at home), I still felt as though I would walk away from the chance to use without a second thought.

The reason is simple: you have had (guessing a little) a serious emotionally-traumatic event, coming to grips with your PA, and you have no interest in revisiting that type of situation ever again. That's my status.

If there is little to no negative repercussion to a failure, no serious consequences, then it is that much harder fo stay clean and focused. If your world will blow up on your next slip...

Good work & Welcome to TTF,

Daniel

[Mac]

What a nice reply to my post Jenn. I always truly value your insight into things that are sometimes unseen to me. You have away of getting me to see things with alittle suggestion here and there. I really do agree with a continuing together approach to dealing with this. When we are doing this we are always very much connected with each other and I know that is when i feel the best about things.
Our conversations the last few days has made me realize that I was pulling away from my program a little, I think because of some good gains i have been making recently.
Anyway I will be back with another post shortly as I have a lot more to say. Have to go to golf.

Mac

[Mac]

Yesterday was a good day for me. Lots of open communication with Jenn. This just seems to bring me back to where i need to be. I seemed to be easily distracted for a few days but i have my focus back and I feel a lot better. When we keep the lines of communication going I just know i have a clearer head about things. I know that revisiting the past is all part of the SO's recovery in this and I need to make sure I am willing to go there. I promise to be patient with this. For me it's kind of a balancing thing as the past is exactly what i'm trying to get away from.
Jenn. I do agrre with you, we have done a remarkable job of dealing with this when i look back on where we were a few monthhs ago. Your willingness to help me along the way when i know just how much you were suffering is a big reason for our success. I know we will continue to grow through this experience and I know we will come out the other side a better couple.

FM
Thanks for the encouragement. I have been reading some of your journal and you are truly a blessing to the TTF site. It has been through reading journals of guys like you that has made me realize that I am really making positive changes in my life and with my attitude towards where i was as a PA. I look forward to continuing a good connectioin with this site. Make sure you keep posting I think you have a lot of fans.
Mac

Daniel
Thanks so much for your reply to my post. You have hit it right on the head. This has been the most traumatic thing I have ever endured in my life. I honestly for the first time in my 34 year marriage to the love of my life thought I would lose everything because of this disgusting habit. This was all I needed at the time to be serious about making changes. Since then I have come to understand and accept how affected i was emotionally and physically by my PA. That along with coming to terms with the real way the industry works and the total betrayal my wife feels has served to put a lot of distance between me and my P days.
To-morrow i will be 4 months P free and I have to say I am very proud of that.

Mac

[Daniel]

Mac,

Four Months! That is great!, and certainly enough time to re-orient your daily living completely away from PA.

That amount of time also means that to turn back would have to be on "on-purpose" event, as we have de-coupled completely; in other words, the chances improve daily that you (me, others here) will not go back as we experience the freedom.

Have you read Dave's Journal (d56)? You may want to check it out too. He is (me guessing) approximately your age or has been married about as long as you have... He is at this moment experiencing over 2 years of freedom...

Onward!,

Daniel

[Mac]

Daniel
I so agree with your point about going back. A relapse now would just be a choice. I read a post by someone a few weeks ago who was starting his own relapse is not an option club. I definately want to join. I have had some worries the last while about taking my sobriety to lightly. Right now I have such a good comfort level with how far I feel i have distanced myself from P. I guess I just have make sure i continue to educate myself.
It's funny you should mention Dave, I was just reading some of his journal within the last week or so. He really seems to have gotten things together. He was talking about being very emotional and it being very easy to get the tears flowing. This hit home for me. From time to time i have had this as well and it just seems to come out of the blue when you least expect it. Really good to have honest feelings like this I think. I am feeling very reflective these days and have nice peaceful feeling right now.
Looking forward to a few days on a little trip with my wife next week.

Mac

[Mac]

Away on vacation. Things have been very nice with Jenn. Lots of good communication, lots of sharing. Doing some reading together. We are really connected at this time and that just feels like the right place for me.I have gotten past my distractions of the past couple of weeks and seem to be settling in to a very positive frame of mind. When i feel like this I just know I make the best progress in my recovery. When i was distracted i think i was feeling so good about my progress that I just got a little too comfortable and forgot to keep working my program. I need to do a little bit everyday to keep a feeling of moving forward.
Taking off on a little trip to-morrow, just the 2 of us. Looking forward to some nice dinners out and just being on our own.
I just feel good these days and i think that makes me very attentive. I like that.

Mac

[Mac]

Back from our trip. Had a really nice few days. A little bit of dealing with our issues but seemed to be able to put things aside and enjoy ourselves. Still obviously lots to talk about and get through. I feel like I start to get a little comfortable with things when we are connecting well with each other and then bang reality strikes. We are back up at the lake for a couple of days before we return home. Back to work next week, don't want to do that. We had a nice campfire last night with some neighbours and i think we both enjoyed that. Went golfing with the guys today, I thought Jenn was Ok with this and seemed fine when i got back. WE had a nice dinner with a couple of glasses of wine and somewhere along way I seemed to have lost her. Sitting here wondering if i did something to upset her or if something just hit her to bring up some crap in her mind. Very unsure of what i should be doing at times. Should I just leave her alone or does she want me to hug her. Being at the lake seems to bring up unwanted issues between us. We are making moves towards moving and I think it can't happen to soon.Maybe I'm not as attentive as i think when we are here. I fear this could be the problem. Anyway I will stay positive and give Jenn the space she needs and just try to be there when when she needs me.

Mac

[Mac]

I am back for my first post in a week. I really need to be more dilegent with this as it seems to be a good exercise wether I'm feeling up or down.
feeling somewhat depressed today, actually feeling completely disorganized in my thoughts.
Jenn and I are both struggling through some issues the last couple of days. Really funny what can send us off course. A couple of days ago in response to a question from her i was talking about how powerfull a stimulant P can be and the tremendous heights of arousal it can take you to and how it can just suck you in without you knowing. This conversation really sent her into a tailspin. I know both of us have read lots on this very topic so I really didn't look at it as anything new or revealing. I think just hearing it from my mouth was what had such an affect on her. Her analogy to me for this was. If i had an affair and came back to you and told you how absolutely fabulous it all was, I may have some of the same feelings she is experiencing. Jenn has a way at times of really making a point and this was certainly one of them. Point well taken.
This seems to have taken us right back to all the hopeless feelings we had at the start of all this.
I have huge feelings of shame and I just hate myself right now.
I hate myself for what i have done to myself, my relationship with my wife and most of all the hurt i have caused her. The last couple of days I have seen the hurt in hers eyes and my heart is breaking. Through the last few months I have really never sensed anger from Jenn but I sense some now. We have had to attend a couple of social functions the last couple of days and her distance with me was very apparent, i think she would have preferred to be anywhere rather there with me. I know she loves me but I just don't think she likes me to much right now. I think eventually I will be able to forgive myself for waht I have done, but i will never forgive myself for hurting her so much. To forgive would be to excuse.
Obviously I'm feeling a little sorry for myself right now. I need to get out of this state of mind. When I feel like this it brings my recovery to a stand still and takes me away from the things I need to do everyday, like reading on TTF, doing my journal and being suportive and attentive to my beautiful wife.
THis week i promise myself. I will get back on track.
To-morrow is a new day and I will move forward with my chin up and my eyes wide open. It will be a better day.

I had a thought the other day. Knowing how my use of P would affect my wife was not enough keep me away from it. Although it was the main reason i stopped upon discovery, once I came to understand just how serious it affected me, it strengthened my resolve to stay clear of it. Does this sound a little selfish? I think so. I feel selfish that it seemed to have more impact when it was me that was affected than when it was affecting my wife. I'm not saying this is the only reason I have been able to keep my sobriety but it is certainly one of them. Something to think about.

Mac

[65Ford]

I'm not sure I would call it selfish. Engaging in p for sure is selfish, pretty much no matter how you slice it.

But multiple people here have said that people like us will never be able to truly stop using p unless WE want to. Not because an SO, friend, family member, whatever wants us to. I had a similar realization one day, and I even made it my signature. I feel better on p-free days. I can't guarantee that my wife or anyone else will feel better on a day I don't use p. I hope that they do. And I trust that by me feeling better, they will naturally detect that and feel better as well. I can only do what I can do. I should say I'm not doing it alone, support is vital, but ultimately the decision is mine and mine alone.

So yes, like you the initial motivating factor may have been a root fear of losing my wife, but in a larger sense I AM doing this for me, and by extension, us. (I love that signature someone has here about the addiction being his, the marriage ours.)

I don't know if that made much sense, but I get the feeling we are on a similar wavelength here.

[StarPuppy]

Mac, it is great to see that you are willing to change for yourself and SO. Let your SO be your drive to become P-free but i am just curious(no offense) is there anything for yourself that you are willing to stop P(like your health etc)? It may be even better if you were doing for both yourself and your SO

Good luck o:-)