iwilldothis

[iwilldothis]

So I relapsed again.

I have been looking at porn for some 13 years. I am now in my mid/late twenties. There has been brief period during this time when I have wanted to quit porn, but I never quite knew why.

After doing some reading on the subject, I have realised how much damaged porn has done to my life, and how I have used it to not have to deal with my issues during all these years without even consciously realising it.

Porn has been both a symptom and a cause of my anxieties, depression and anger, which have become subconsious and more deeply rooted over the years. I have lost touch with my emotion because I have been using porn and masturbation as a form of self medication.

I have been living in the world without really living in it and experiencing it. I have been walking through it, without ever being truely emotionally open to it and exposed to it, taking real pleasure only in this addiction.

To be honest, I cannot say that I use porn heavily all the time. But I have bouts of heavy use, and more importantly, I use it when life gets a little tough or boring. Escaping it by taking a hit, instead of growing by facing the boredom and anxieties.

My first attempt at quiting it 1 month ago ended after 9 days. I got ****y and lost touch with the reasons why I was quiting it. After 3-4 days relapse, I was able to avoid porn and masturbation for 19 days. Again I relapsed because I forgot why I was quiting, what damage it was doing to me, to such an extent that a little bit of boredom mixed with anxities about my gf moving overseas caused me to decided to use again.

I have looked at porn 2-3 days now since that relapse, but have again decided to try to quit.

It definately is a learning process. What I have learned so far is the following:

a) Knowledge about the addiction is very very important. I must learn about how the addiction works and how it affects me in a negative way;

b) It is important to constantly remind yourself about why you are quiting, complacency can creep up on you when you are doing well and seemingly have no desire to use porn;

c) When the urge comes to look at porn or masturbate, don't get lost in the fantasy. Rather try to look at the pleasure or desire you are experiencing as an observer. In a sense, objectify it and feel in control of it. Remember that what you are craving so much is just some images on the screen and your hands moving up and down on ......

d) Meditate. It helps one get in touch with ones anxieties and desires and see that one does not always need to act on them. Awareness is key.

I will keep you guys posted about how this last attempt goes.

[Desert Ghost]

Greetings iwilldothis, you have made a good step in the right direction by coming here. You will find a lot of good advice here at TTF, spend time reading the PA's recovery journals. With that intro out of the way I am a PA who would like to suggest a few things that have worked for me at the start of the recovery process.

1) make some reminders that you post around your home to remind why you are quitting.

2) make an action plan of what to do when the urges hit.
a) turn off the computer
b) find something to do until the urge passes

3) find professional help

4) find a twelve step program in you area and attend meetings
a) SAA - Sex Addict Anonymous
b) or similar support group

5) strengthen your spiritual pathway

I hope that these suggestion are of a help to you in your battle to quit "P" and "MB".

[StarPuppy]

Hello, i am glad you took the first step in cleansing yourself, Please follow DG post, he offers good advice and hope to hear you post more often :)

[Desert Ghost]

Hello, i am glad you took the first step in cleansing yourself, Please follow DG post, he offers good advice and hope to hear you post more often :)

Thanks for the vote of confidence SP. I try to do the best that I can.^:)^

[iwilldothis]

Crap, relapsed again. Only 3 days this time ... boy do I wish I had not relapsed when I was on 19 days, I was cruising, virtually had no real urge, just did it out of boredom. Not this time though. I have been struggling since the beginning, not so much the urge to look at porn, but i have been fantacising a lot (mainly because I read some stories last time I relapsed which seem to have hit something inside me, so much easier to get pictures out of ones head than stories).

So anyway, a lot of fantacizing (no desire to look at porn) but serious desire to MB, even only to get this out of my head. Does this get weaker over time? Or does it just get repressed? What is the best way to deal with these fantasies? (They particularly bother me because they are fetish fantasies)

Is it ok to masterbate once in a while if you don't look at porn?? I am thinking probably not, but I think it will make things a lot easier. What is your thoughts?

[iwilldothis]

Ok, so it was a partial relapse (so far anyway). Have avoided M despite a lot of temptation (still considering it though, so need some advice on this). I stopped the porn almost straight away, so some positives there. Before, it would have ended in me looking for a long time, masturbating and then feeling low. Today, i managed to stop and meditate on the urge and then distract myself.

[Desert Ghost]

iwilldothis, you need to abstain from "P" and "MB" in order to reduce the chemical imbalance in your brain. As the chemical balance in your brain returns to a more normal level the urges will lessen. I would suggest a 30 days of abstinence from all "P", "MB", and sex. This will give you time to detox your brain. I know for myself after total abstinence I found the urges had reduced in intensity and that my thinking processes had become clearer.

[iwilldothis]

Thanks for the advice mate, in times of doubt and when your mind is playing tricks on you, it is really helpful to hear reassurances that what one is doing is helpful and beneficial.

Danger averted this time. Have to say the World Cup is an absolute godsend.

How do you suggest dealing with the fantasizing BTW. Should you ignore it, or deconstruct it. Would ignoring it make it weaker or just repress it?

[StarPuppy]

P and MB go hand in hand(if u excuse the pun)

Personally i don't like to MB because it makes me tired the next day and i need 1- 2 days to recover because i used to compulsive MB

but what DG said is true, if you do not MB a few days, the urge comes in like how the drug is like therefore to abstain from MB is to detoxify yourself

[StarPuppy]

Thanks for the advice mate, in times of doubt and when your mind is playing tricks on you, it is really helpful to hear reassurances that what one is doing is helpful and beneficial.

Danger averted this time. Have to say the World Cup is an absolute godsend.

How do you suggest dealing with the fantasizing BTW. Should you ignore it, or deconstruct it. Would ignoring it make it weaker or just repress it?

For me, i will ignore it, its like a craving for drug

btw what country are u supporting? I dun watch WC tho, i just see the scores