SEBoK's Journal (insert one-line aphorism here)

[SEBoK]

So... yeah, basically, I've thought about it for a while, but now I'm making a journal. First, to tell you a little bit about myself.

Strictly speaking, I'm not addicted to P. Not that I can feel, at least. I'm really not looking at P at all right now, though I have done it in the past without realizing what it was doing to me. I remember last year, I would often collect pictures (not necessarily P pics but just pics of girls my age, though sometimes those wouldn't do it and I'd have to look up P pics) on my iPod that I would MB to, and during the summer I must've collected about a hundred or more P or non-P pics that I was planning to keep on there all summer, and pretty much did. Thanks to my being almost unbearably busy this year, though, I've barely looked at anything as of late. Though, there was one incidence a day or two ago, where I started looking but stopped myself before I could actually MB to it. (I actually made a conscious effort to think of the "somebody's daughter" principle that someone (I can't remember who) mentioned on here.) So, to summarize, P isn't a big problem for me. At least, not right now.

A bigger issue, however, is MB. Over not only this year, but much of junior high, I became very good at dredging up fantasies in my head that could keep me MB'ing without the need to be looking at anything - that way, I wouldn't have to worry about hiding anything. (Though, I'm realizing now as I'm writing this, maybe putting fantasies in your head could be worse than looking - this would mean the deeper recesses of one's brain could be corrupted. That could just be a subconscious attempt at rationalization, though.) Then this year, after looking through many anti-P resources (including this), I began to see how I was screwing myself and everyone I was fantasizing about over, and gave myself MUCH higher standards (namely, the girl I think about cannot be a close friend of mine, nor can she be someone I am interested in becoming friends with; the fantasies I have cannot be sxual or sx related, only thinking of things like touching, hugging, cuddling, etc.; and if possible, I should avoid exuberantly optimizing the fantasy to make her do something she wouldn't). It worked well for a while (I managed to MB to somebody's eyes once, nothing else) until for some unknown reasons, standards started to plung against my will.

So here I am. Not really sure how to go about doing this.

I have to say honestly, I'm a little afraid of changing. I go to a school where just about everybody is weird and eccentric in every way possible - I have a lot of (particularly female) friends who are very much like this, and I LOVE that about them. I'm afraid that if I try to change, I'll end up becoming too much of a realist, and I won't be able to enjoy life and be happy/crazy the way they do/are.

Still I don't know what to do. I feel like everytime I MB to someone, I betray them - which I think is very likely. By that account, I've betrayed nearly all my friends (I don't think I have in any other way, though).

My apologies for the exorbitantly long posts. I dunno why they come out this way.

[SEBoK]

Oh yeah, one more thing… my goal right now is to cut MB out from my life completely. It's not going very well.

[StarPuppy]

Firstly i would like to thank you for stepping in here to say that "I have a problem and trying to change it" We don't expect you to change overnight but we do hope to see a change nevertheless

Firstly, i would likt you to look for K9 web filter, the first step in setting yourself a firewall against P and MB.

I think currently your mind is accustomed to a PA mind(like most of us were initally) but think of it, what happens if your female friends ever found out? Think of the worse things that can happen? do you want to be alone and be labeled as a pervert?

Hope i did not come as harsh, Just wanted you to have some thinking to do :)

[SEBoK]

I don't really know what'll happen, to be honest. I mean, at my school, there's a guy there who also has a lot of female friends, and we have a few in common. He doesn't have a girlfriend, but he does a lot of things like hugging, touching, etc, just to play around. Though, the people he does it to usually just play along with it. And, honestly, I really envy him. (I think if he ever reads this, which I really hope he doesn't, he might know I'm talking about him.) He openly admits that he MB's a lot as well.

Also, on the idea of being alone and labeled as a pervert, I'm not too sure about that, either. In about January 2009, there was a HUGE incident that happened between me and a girl I had known for a long time, and that made pretty much everyone at school think I was a stalker or something. I had two friends, one of which lives 3000 miles away, for the entire rest of the year. So I was okay with the idea of having barely any friends, but it's just this year that I made a bunch of new friends and just don't know what to do.

A bit of good or bad news, depending on what your point of view is: this summer, I'm going to see my dad overseas, who lives by himself in an apartment, and I have absolutely no friends there. Now is the period where I'm really trying (pretty fruitlessly, though it feels like something might be getting better) to abstain from any deviant thoughts, or even getting aroused at all. I don't know really what counts as a relapse for MB-ing, if you start fantasizing about anything, or what. Plus, I'll have a lot to do (he lives in a city where there are many different places, attractions, etc. to visit), so I may be tempted not to MB or look at P.

One problem, though... I have my own laptop, which I have watched P on in the past, but I haven't used it for a long time. I don't know whether I should get K9 (is it free?) put on it or what, even though I'm not really looking at P - it's more of a question of how I would explain this whole mess to my dad (he's caught me looking at P in the past, eons and eons ago) and get him to put it on. (I've seen him looking at P on the computer when he thought I wasn't there, and he's bookmarked P websites on it in the past.)

Ugh, I feel awful for just going on and on and on about myself. I mean, this is my journal, but everyone else on here keeps their posts much shorter than mine. I just don't want it to end up like that Malcolm in the Middle episode, where Lois hires a babysitter who constantly rants about the little annoyances she sees every day, and at first she's okay with it but eventually it drives her insane to the point where she ends up yelling at her and kicking her out of the house.

Anyway.

I can't really start doing a sober count until I get stone-set instructions on what EXACTLY is defined as a relapse. For watching P the definitions are much more concrete, but as far as MB goes it's quite unclear. I keep thinking I might actually have to not get physically aroused at all, or not fantasize about ANYTHING, no matter how innocent. I just hate the idea that I won't be able to dream any more, and I'll just be stuck in this stupid stupid reality for the rest of my f**king life... I don't even know anymore. If I have to live out the rest of my life in the gutter, or even knowing that I'm close to there at all, I honestly don't know how I can make it.

I honestly feel like I'm trying to tell my whole life story on here, and anyone who reads this probably won't make it to here before getting bored. I do have a psychologist, and he knows that I'm trying to get along with all these girls (I have a social disability (you might be able to tell) so it's a bit hard for me, and I don't even know how well I'm trying now... I was trying before), but he doesn't know about my MB problem. Everyone, literally EVERYONE, that I've told about it in the past has said that "it's healthy, everybody does it", but I'm not sure of that. Given my situation, I doubt that it could help me at all.

I had a dream, either last night or the night before, that had some arousing images in it. They weren't explicit, like what you'd see in a P movie, but they involved a female friend (who, incidentally, I had MB'd to one day and then felt that I was no longer worthy of being friends with), and... well, you can message me privately if you want the details, though that might be unlikely. There were no private parts exposed, though, and I told her she should stop doing that. Still, the fact that it's going into my subconscious worries me.

I don't know what else I can say. Sorry for the gigantic post (I may need to get help on this as well!).

- SEBoK

[SEBoK]

Just had a MAJOR relapse. MAJOR. RELAPSE. Probably the biggest one yet. After going probably 4 or 5 days, which I was starting to feel the slightest bit good about, WHAM! now I'm back to here. I've thought about things, terrible things, that I've never thought of before. I feel like I've committed the ultimate betrayal towards one of the people I respected and looked up to the most, out of anyone I knew.

I just felt like ending everything, the whole time I was doing it. I don't know what the hell came over me. I'm not human. I already believe humans are inferior to other species, but I feel way below even that right now. I'm a monster. I'm a cruel, insensitive, selfish monster. I don't even know where to go from here, it just feels like there's nowhere to go. I feel stuck. I feel trapped. I feel like I don't deserve anything good in life anymore. I feel completely done for. I wonder if this isn't the kind of thought process that others said have fueled more relapses in the past... I am evil. It seems to me like a proven fact now. I don't deserve anyone. I am scum. Worse than scum. Whatever the lowest rank of life is, I'm right below it.

I dunno... I guess I can take a look at that recovery plan. See if that does me any good at all.

[SEBoK]

My new life (or at least this hopelessness) started on: 26/06/2010

I am weakest when:

- I am in bed, about to go to sleep (I used to MB before sleeping all the time)
- Not much else, really... maybe when I'm bored
- Or home alone

To counter this I will:

- Um... could somebody help me out here? (assuming anyone is willing, after all the stupid crap I just posted now)
- I don't know... I have a hard time finding stuff to do. I would mostly play music, but my mom's boyfriend HATES music. And with him it's "my way or the highway".
- Again, not too sure. Especially during the summer when I've got pretty much nothing to do.

My biggest triggers are:

- When I'm trying to sleep, and I envision someone with me (this doesn't always trigger something, but it often can... I'd really hate to have to give this up, honestly)
- Random thoughts that come into my head, or mention of something tied to those thoughts (this happens less often, but it's still an issue)

To counter this I will:

- DRAT. Well, this sucks, then.
- Um... avoid contact with anyone, at all? That might help me, and pretty much everyone else...

I am going to replace my newfound free time with:

- Eesh... I have no idea. I don't have much of a social life. Again, I have a social disability, so I don't get around well in that area, but I suck at coming up with stuff to do, even though I have lots of it.

My personal inspirational notes or quotes:

- I know once when I MB'd, when I finished I had forced myself to look at the outcome of it (I normally don't) and I was absolutely horrified and disgusted. For a while, whenever I got the urge, I just thought about how I felt then, and the desire would diminished. It worked for a while, up until now.


I need help... everything looks completely hopeless. Maybe it is... :-<

- SEBoK