No more lies

[65Ford]

I'm still in the early stages of this fight, and there are so many emotions, so many things that need to be said, I'm not entirely sure where to start. I briefly mentioned my story in the welcome forum, but I hope to use this journal as a deeper exploration of some of the fundamental issues I am dealing with, starting with WHY.

Why did I do it?

And by that, I don't necessarily mean use P. That's an issue, certainly that I need to explore, but perhaps not where I want to start today. No, the question is why did I lie to those I care the most about? How could I?

That's the part that scares me the most. It's what had me the most distressed when confronted by my wife last week. I was reduced to a blubbering, angry mess. I said I had told her three years ago I would never look at P again, and I did it anyway, that I betrayed her trust. That hurt me more than anything.

I don't know if it's because she was pregnant and then had twins, causing our love life to go to basically nil, that's what drove me to a release. Or if it was something else. Like I said, I will think about that more as time goes on, within the context that there are no excuses.

For now, as a journal, I'd just like to set the timeline:

Mid to late 80s: Started M, using dad's mags and even imagining some of the girls at school and other rather tame material.
90s: Got my own mag stash going, and even ordered some videos and other material through the mail. (I could never actually go to a specialty store. That was the line I could not cross. But the anonomousness of mail order was just the thing for a single guy who needed a release now and then.)
c. 1998/2000: Discovered the internet. I'm sure it's a familiar story. This was trouble almost from the get-go.
Early 2000s: Finally got a decent job, got a girlfriend who I eventually married. Things are looking up. I shouldn't need this stuff. So why do I keep it around?
July 2007: Got "caught" for the first time. World appears to be crumbling. Somehow manage to get through. Got rid of a lot of material, but not all. Still clinging for some inexplicable reason. I did cut things off for a while, but ultimately failed in my promise.
June 9, 2010: Strike two. I figure this is the end of the road for me. I leave the house to try to find, what? I don't know. Church doors are locked. I find my way home. We talk. I am under no dislusions there will be a strike three.
June 10: I think I got all of the stash boxed up. A trip to the Dumpster takes care of that. Mental note to search for more. I could have stuff squirrelled away I forgot about! Also on this day I begin searching for addiction help. I discover TTF and apply for membership.
June 11: Access to TTF denied. I think I discover why. But a setback (fortunately temporary). Somehow I make it through the day. Another talk with the wife. I tell here we need to spend more time together, we have been to neglectful of our relationship of late with work, kids, etc. She agrees.
June 12-13: Keeping busy on the weekend is best. We do find time to take the kids to the zoo. A good family outing does wonders. I avoid the computer the bulk of the weekend. This is good.
Today, June 14: Acceptance to TTF and I begin this journal. Positive steps.

From here, there is lots to do. One thing right away will be to think about triggers and how to avoid them. But there is plenty more to it, I fear. I thank you all for your continued support.

Best wishes.

[QueenofHearts]

65Ford,

I just commented on your original thread, didn't see that you started a journal.

Figuring out why you used P is very important. Everyone on this site has different reasons or life events that caused them to turn to P. Lying about P is pretty standard for most PA's. There is an element of shame and embarrassment having someone you really care about discover your dirty little secret. Having it out in the open with your wife gives you a chance to now establish communication with her and discuss what P really meant to your life.

Unfortunately you can't undo the lies, betrayal, and "fantasy cheating" that most SO's think that P is. All you can do is try your best to find out why you used P in the first place, what was being buried beneath the P use, and what your plan of action is going forward.

Your SO will be very hurt, and probably won't trust you for a long time, be aware of this. Also be aware that she will have emotional waves of anger, sadness, disgust and insecurity because of your actions. Do your best to give her support and honesty.

If she could come be a part of TTF, it might help he side of things. I look forward to following your journey on here.

[StarPuppy]

Its great that you came here which is the first step of the journey, do you have any plans to lower and cut off P from your life?

[65Ford]

StarPuppy,

Right now the biggest thing is simply not to be home alone. A quick incident this weekend already illustrated that. We were out at a graduation open house Saturday afternoon, and knowing we needed groceries, I suggested we just go shopping since we were out and about already. She said she would just go do it herself if I didn't feel like it and wanted to go home. Home alone? On a Saturday evening? You have got to be kidding. No way. Times in the past this would have been something to get excited about. Not this time. No way. I insisted on going grocery shopping.

[Desert Ghost]

65Ford, I am a PA and a survivor of childhood abuse and let me say that you really need to understand where the addiction started and why. Until you do you will continue to struggle and relapse. Let me suggest a few things for you to think about:

1) Have your wife install K-9 blocking software on the home computer and be the administrator.

2) Seek professional help with your addiction.

3) Find a local Sex Addict Anonymous group and start attending meetings (This is a Twelve Step Program).

4) Seek out your Pastor or Priest for spiritual guidance.

5) Have your wife start a journal in the partner's section.

Now the hard part - discovery the roots of your addiction.

[65Ford]

As I said in the early stages, there just is so much screaming to get out at once. So I may intersperse with some random thoughts. This is one.

About the username. It is a reminder to me of time wasted on P. Realistically, boredom should never be an issue here. I have multiple constructive, positive hobbies. Restoring a '65 Mustang is one of them. My time, money and efforts would be better served on that project. PA (it still feels strange to say that, but I know it's true) robbed me of much joy and feelings of accomplishment in other aspects of my life, things that I could share with my wife and kids.

[Brewer]

Hi 65Ford,

After reading your post I can relate too. Too often I have put aside chores, hobbies etc... for the same reasons. Now after giving up porn I am actually looking forward to working around the house and re-starting my hobby. I'm not saying that I'm cured but after quiting P my eyes and mind are re-opening and everyday, so far, is a good day...

[Daniel]

Home alone? On a Saturday evening? You have got to be kidding. No way. Times in the past this would have been something to get excited about. Not this time. No way. I insisted on going grocery shopping.

65Ford,

This is an excellent sign of mental shift in the right direction.

I can relate to that (God forbid) old elation, which today seems so un-thinkable, and a wonder that it could have been pulled off so many times in the past (conscience seared with a hot iron etc.).

But here you have the 'opportunity' and you mentally react like a hand being pulled away from a hot stove -there's no way I'm going back to that place.

Bravo Sir!,

Daniel

[65Ford]

Another random thought, and one I hope will help me at least in the immediate future.

My wife is a teacher, and has to leave for work about 30-45 minutes before I do. The kids are still asleep. This has proven to be one of my prime danger periods. All is quiet and relaxed before the day gets out of control. Why not start things off with a peek to get a good start to the day?

Now it's summer. She's home all day. My "me" time just got eliminated by default. That's got to be a good sign.

[65Ford]

Daniel, thank you for the kind words, I'm not entirely sure how to describe what happened. Part of me thinks it is an acknowledgment of weakness, that I knew if I spent time at home alone, I couldn't guarantee I had the strength to resist the temptation. That strength is something I need to work on, I think. Part of it boils down to trust. Maybe it was her way of testing her trust in me, by providing me with an opportunity. I don't know. But if I can't trust myself at the moment, how can I expect her to trust me? At this stage, I think declining the offer was indeed the best thing to do.