No more lies

[65Ford]

Finally a relatively quiet night. After dinner we went for a walk, came back and started to work in the garden, but almost as if by mutual consent we decided we would rather just sit on the patio with a drink and watch the kids play. We tend to get so caught up in "this needs to get done, I haven't gotten to this yet," etc. Last night was just kind of "screw it, I'm tired." So no progress on the old car, the garden still has weeds, the gutters remain clogged, and the house is still cluttered. But oh, well. It can wait. Life can't. I only wish I could have that attitude every day. Somehow I'll get caught up in everything again soon and it will just carry me along like a log down the river.

Today's challenge will be to repeat the attitude of last night. It will be a little harder as the SO will be out a couple hours at a union meeting. Just me and the kids. I'm sure they'll be lively enough to keep me going!

In short, it's just further evidence I feel better on P free days. By extrapolation, I have to believe life overall would be better if every day is P and M free. I'm reminded of something an old coach said, "What the mind can perceive, the body can achieve." That's a good mantra for today and my future.

[Charly22]

I want to broadcast this quote from you all over the world:

"I feel better on P free days"

[StarPuppy]

Let the kids take your trouble and urges of P away..have fun with the kids, i am sure they will take your mind of any urges and you will have fun bonding with them

:)

[65Ford]

That's the truth, S-P.

And please feel free, Charly, and thank you.

It's very true. After Sunday's slip, whether due to complacency or whatever, I was really beating myself up that evening. I felt miserable, and a rush of old emotions flooded over me. I felt lower than the proverbial gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe.

While there were still some residuals to that feeling on Monday (I hadn't really forgiven myself for Sunday), I did feel better when I went to bed that it was a 100% p P free day. I'm not sure how to really explain it, but my mind is clearer, I don't have those guilt pangs, and I just overall feel better.

Obviously, these are much more desirable feelings.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Are you involving your wife on your recovery journey? Does she know of your recent relapse? How is she handling things?

[65Ford]

I was laying in bed last night thinking about the day, and feeling pretty well that it was a P free day. There were at least two opportunities, and I did not take them. The positive feelings that come in the aftermath of resistance are stronger than the positive feelings incurred during the act.

Anyway, somehow that made me think of this story. Let me preface by saying I use the word "addiction" in this sense meaning no disrespect to those fighting addictions, nor to in any way diminish how difficult it is to break an addiction.

At one time I was "addicted" to college football. While I'd watch most any game on TV, the real "problem" was I had season tickets for a certain team that perenially wallowed in mediocrity. The type of team that woud show just enough talent to make you think, this could be the year. One that could knock off the No. 1 team in the country one week only to lose to the last place team in the conference the next. I think that happened more than once.

From my freshman year through just a few years ago, I had season tickets and never missed a single home game. Not one. Good or bad, rain or shine, I made the trip. I can't tell you how many weddings and other events I missed. Gotta game, would be the call. For 19 years, something like 120 straight games. Didn't matter what else was going on, I went to the game. There was a group of friends and family that would meet for tailgating and would sit together, but for various reasons over the years they would all miss a game here and there. I was the constant. The rock.

But as time went on, it got to be more like work. I HAVE to go to the game. It started chewing up an entire Saturday, as weekend days became more precious due to work, etc. And then there was the losing. No team could snatch defeat from the jaws of victory like this one. So many come from ahead losses. It just made you want to ~X(. Or :((. It was incredibly frustrating, and it just made one angry. And aside from the time commitment, it was getting costly financially.

My wife, she never understood it. She didn't go to this university, and she doesn't like football. She went to a game here and there, but that was it. She kept saying, "Why do you submit yourself to something that just pisses you off?" Slowly, her point started to sink in.

Finally, it all just clicked. There was a night game in September a few years back. Still had to get up early to drive down for the tailgate. Hung out all day. Then the game. All was going well for the first half. Then a monsoon rain storm. And an epic meltdown collapse on the field. Big lead against a big rival just disappeared. Crushing, gut wrenching loss. Again.

So I get back to the car. I'm soaking wet. I take off my shoes and begin the hour and a half drive home. It's after midnight. I'm exhausted. And disgusted that I spent all that time and money to watch something that basically I've seen 100 times before.

And then it hit me: What part of that was fun?

The answer became clear. It wasn't. The wife was right. Imagine that. Wise woman, that one.

The very next day I put the remaining tickets for the season in the mail to my sister (who also had tickets) and told them her boyfriend could have them. I was done.

No one believed me at first. The next week my buddy called and asked what time he should meet me there, and I told him I wasn't going. Stunned silence.

But that was it. No more. That was fall 2006, and I haven't been to a game since. I've been to I think two tailgates for the socializing, but that's it. I'll still watch on TV some, but when things look grim, I can just go out and rake leaves or be productive. And the home is a happier home for it.

I'm not completely sure why I was thinking about that last night, other than to illustrate repeatedly doing something that makes you miserable is at best counter intuitive and at worst self destructive. I imagine we all already know that, but sometimes stopping to think it through helps.

[StarPuppy]

Great post Ford =D>

I only can agree that somtimes we are blind to our own addiction and only our SO/loved ones can point us out but of course, it requires
1) some thinking..deep thinking
2) some horrible crappy thing to happen to us to wake up from this spell in your case..the rain

I am so happy for you and i hope you will use this for your fight against P too :)

Not being graphical but i would like to ask a question you wife would have asked you in the case of P. What good is it jerking off to P when you know you can never get those hot looking BUT cheap woman but not realizing that you have a faithful, smart wife and your bundle of joy-kids ?

Good luck and Stay strong friend :)

[65Ford]

Oh, but S-P, there's a big part of the problem in what you wrote. I DID/DO realize I have a smart, faithful wife and great kids. That's what makes the descent into the hell of those websites all the more frustrating and perplexing. And what makes our discussions so painful, when she feels it must be something she did, or that I don't find her attractive. Pretty much I have a life about as close as perfect as one could expect. And I risk it? For what? I need to ask myslef like that night in the car, exactly what part of that was fun? The answer clearly is, it wasn't. So why did I keep going back Saturday after Saturday to the games? And why did I keep going back to those sites? That's what I need to answer. It wasn't fun. So why continue to partake in something I clearly no longer enjoy? Habit? Routine? Things to ponder.

[65Ford]

KingofHearts' journal has become one of my must-reads on TTF, and today I'd like to borrow (steal?) a post from there from WONLM:

I have noticed with my husband that when he truly decided to stop using P, and decided he didn't want it as part of his life any more, quitting was way easier than when he really didn't want to quit.

It is very simple and very difficult. People quit when they decide to quit. But, it often takes a lot to make someone want to quit.

I wish you well and hope for your sake and QoH's sake that you truly want to be P free.

That sort of sums it up rather well, doesn't it? It is easy and hard at the same time. I have moments where I think this is going to be a piece of cake: Don't take what you don't want. Simple.

Then there are moments that scare me to death, when part of me is craving it, and I don't know why when I KNOW I DON'T NEED IT.

This time has been "easier" to quit than in years past, but easy is a relative term.

Great post.

[65Ford]

Nothing much to report today, just checking in to peruse some other journals. Some very good posts today. I can't say enough how simply knowing I am not the only one with these emotions helps reassure me that I am doing the right thing.

An opportunity presented itself last night when I was ordering some hobby items on the computer and the wife went up to bed. I was able to pause a moment and think that there have been many times this would have been a good time to check in on some bad sites. Then I just kept right on doing what I set out to do and was able to go to bed without the guilty conscience.