No more lies

[65Ford]

OK, last posting got deleted I think. I'll try again.

Charly - I try. But I feel like I am constantly rebuffed.

Maybe this is atypical, but a lot of times I like to just lie in bed with her. Invariably that turns into "You're breathing loud" or "What did you eat?" or "Your toenails scratched me" or "Don't touch me with those flat feet." Real mood enders. Maybe the question here should be does she still find me attractive?

Last night we were sniping at each other over stupid stuff again. I asked a question about the grocery list, I get accused of never listening to her. Sigh.

I gotta tell you, obviously I'm far from perfect, but she's just being crankier than usual lately, and I can get her pinned down on what it is beyond the start of the new school year and weight concerns.

Oh, that reminds me, I bought some Little Debbie Cakes yesterday - for me. This was probably wrong, but I grabbed one after dinner while she was telling me a story about her day, and she just stopped and got really ticked off that I would eat it in front of her. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have and wasn't thinking, but yeesh.

[65Ford]

Just another reminder that this just never goes away, and things are pretty much different forever.

Apparently the book my wife is reading has a main character who engages in activities similar, though not exact, to what I did. Regardless, enough to make her roll over in bed last night and briefly tell me about it and remind me that if I EVER do it again, I'm out. I lose her, I lose the kids. End of discussion. "Look me in the eyes and tell me." Have you been good? Are you behaving? Don't ever do it.

In a way, I hate times like that, but in another it is a good reminder of what is at stake here. Basically, everything. I don't think that is overstated.

I'm better. Is it over? No, and it probably never will be. I can wish all I want I never started in the first place, but that ship has sailed. I always said it was easy to not get hooked on smoking and drugs, I never started. I've had looks of incredulity when I tell people I've never so much as smoked a single puff on a cigarette. It's true. I should have applied that attitude to P. But P was just so darned easy. There were no health repurcussions. No smelly clothes. No costs for buying x many packs. But at least smoking is a social activity, and (somewhat these days) socially accepted.

But that'e enough crying about that. All I can do is assure her I'm behaving. I can't change the past. I can't undo what I've done. I must be stronger every day. That's another catch to all this, isn't it? Now that I'm several months into this, I'm realizing quitting on day 1 was the easy part. I'm thinking it's not getting easier, it's almost getting harder. I need to be stronger now than I was then. Fortunately I think the strength is in me, and I can continue to get better. Maybe one day I can declare victory, maybe not.

Sorry this is a rambler today. Let's all stay strong out there.

[65Ford]

Thanks, CF. Good post. I admire your strength of character and conviction.

Everyone here has a slightly different story, and certainly all our situations are unique. But in the end, I'm reminded of that old saying that we may have arrived in different ships, but we're all in the same boat now.

I've caught myself more than once thinking, what would the folks on TTF think if they knew? That helps. It can't be the end all, of course, but it's a factor. A positive one, for sure. It sounds hokey, but I do draw some energy from that. So thanks to you, and to everyone!

[65Ford]

So last night the wife asks out of the blue if something were to happen to her, would I remarry?

I was a bit taken aback, and after first saying I didn't expect anything to happen, I said something to the effect of while at my age I really would not look forward to getting back "in the market," if the right opportunity came along and I met someone, yeah, I probably would, if for no other reason than to have a woman in the lives of the kids - if that woman were accepting of them, etc. etc.

So she says, "I don't think I would. When's the last time anyone had anything good to say about men?" #-o

So there, I guess.

It's been kind of a long week. Work was a bit busier than I thought. And the kids last night did NOT want to sleep. So I'm a bit tired this morning. TGIF.

Hopefully, though, the wife and I are going on a rare date night tomorrow night. I think we need it.

[JenMac]

Hey 65 Ford!
Hope you don't take this the wrong way but if I were you, I would try to refrain from calling your wife "the wife" tomorrow night and forever after. Perhaps it's just a pet peeve of mine but I feel it shows a lack of respect.
Jenn

[Daniel]

65Ford,

It's been more than a moon since you were last in, I hope everything is good -check in when you get a chance.

Daniel