Helloooo ellooo ellooo, im here ere ere. Thanks for asking FairyG, Foolish. I have been on holiday, though hand on heart not for the whole time I havent Ive been absent, the truth be know I was enjoying a bit of a break - sorry! But I am back now. Actually the break has made me realise that this site is important for keeping focused, I have been enduring some heavy temptations recently, mostly from porn on other people computers when I work on them (i am a computer engineer). Its a real struggle because whilst downloading porn off the internet now seems like a very deliberate act, It doesnt seem such a big deal if its someone elses porn in transit. I am having to discipline myself that it is all harmful whatever the source. I try hard now to copy data without looking at what it is. I think a characteristic of porn addicts is weak will, so I am trying to work on that part of my personality.
The good news is that the days of old where I stayed up 4 or 5 hours poring over the computer, or dashing to take advantage of the time I had when the family went out, those days are gone, and whilst the temptation is still very strong, and I am still very weak, I do seem to have gotten out of that mindset, and for that I am happy.
'By Endurance We Conquer' - Ernest Shackleton
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Your telling of the chance encounter of P is the "curve ball" we're thrown: just as we are mastering certain situations, anticipating we will be tempted, preparing to react, a brand new thing comes down the line.
The good news is you recognized it right off and took action. Way to go!
Once upon a time, when I was still using, the curve balls gave me rationalization to go in and use again. The rationalization was something like: "Gee, God, if You didn't want me to do this anymore why did that (or this) happen?"
Duh, to endure hardship! I like your Shackleton quote...
Great news, Dominus, especially this part at the end of your post: "whilst the temptation is still very strong, and I am still very weak, I do seem to have gotten out of that mindset, and for that I am happy." I think I'm in the same "phase" as you -- still feeling a very strong temptation to look at times, and still feeling very vulnerable, but I have gotten the idea of 4 or 5 hour sessions out of my thinking. Now, the next question for me is -- how do we maintain this? I guess one answer is to keep coming here and cheering each other on. So: Go Dominus!
All the best,
Dave
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I cant get a verse out of my mind, it is this "Let he who thinks he is standing beware he does not fall".
No matter how much I try, its not enough. Given the right combination of mood, circumstance and unforseen occurence I will still fall. Its like a chocoholic, no matter how determined they are, if you keep thrusting chocolates at them sooner or later they will break down and indulge.
As you can guess I fell back into viewing some risque stuff, after a while it started to repulse me and I deleted it which I suppose is something at least. But I hate the way my mind will return to the cesspool given half a chance.
I thought I was doing quite well, just shows that I should follow the advice I give to others about the dangers of complacency - "Physician, Heal thyself!"
So, a bit dejected today. But I will keep fighting on.
'By Endurance We Conquer' - Ernest Shackleton
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"Never underestimate man's ability at self-delusion and rationalization."
I figure if some of the brightest folks around say this, then I shouldn't be too hard on myself if/when the same "try-hard-fail-anyway" mentality sets in.
Don't be too hard on yourself Dominus, I've been there; we have to know probably everyone else has too...
It's like that old bumper sticker: "Eat right, exercise daily, die anyway.."
It's not necessarily the track record but THE MINDSET.
If you feel the wrong then you're in the right place...
Thanks for the encouragement Daniel. I am not happy with the situation though, in the old days I would give in at best every couple of weeks, but each time would "be the last time", obviously that was self delusion as I realised eventually. Whilst I havent gone back to that mindset, I don't want to replace it with a different one which excuses me every few months because in my mind its much the same thing - just with a reduced frequency. Since reading about Janes suicide I am doubly resolved to rid my life completely of this blight that has afflicted me since I was a teenager, and to help others to do the same, it is just that the spirit is eager, but the flesh is weak.
Onwards my fellow soldiers, ever onwards...
'By Endurance We Conquer' - Ernest Shackleton
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I went quite a few months without looking at any P, and got cocky and starting giving people advice. Then, a month ago, I found myself giving in to temptation. It's a sort of delusion, to think that a few months makes such a difference after all the years.... But, we are making a difference with these efforts, imperfect as they are.
Last edited by futurehope; 10-03-2008 at 10:24 AM.
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Yup we are. I see you're back from your hiatus Dominus I like what futurehope said, in that all our efforts, no matter how imperfect, all still making a difference ultimately. And about Jane's sucide, I was one of the first ones to reply in that thread, but the news is still shocking to me. It was as if we failed to help.
Anyway, like what you said, onwards we must press on.
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you-Keep holding on, By Avril Lavigne
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I lost complete trust after finding out that husband was a PA and had been lying to me...
I badly want to be able to trust again...
I badly want to believe that porn addiction, no matter how hard it is, can actually be defeated...
I badly want to believe that there is hope....
....
Thank you Dominus,
YOU HAVE BEEN GREAT!
I AM the one who has the right to decide on my self-worth...
08-19-2008, 06:57 PM
I like what futurehope said, in that all our efforts, no matter how imperfect, all still making a difference ultimately. And about Jane's sucide, I was one of the first ones to reply in that thread, but the news is still shocking to me. It was as if we failed to help.
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