Journal of new SO

[little_wife]

Good morning LP, 3 (I put up the puppy logo just cause it's cute, and new, and you need some cheering up.)
I think what you're going through is universal for all of us SOs. Some breeze right through this quickly, and others of us (ME) have lingered. Your world has been disrupted, and you've found that many of the ideas you grew up, your belief in what your relationship was are not what you were told. For me at least, it was like reality betrayed me. And of course you're going to mourn the loss.

Another thing that makes it hard, is a feeling of inadequacy. One can't help but wonder why they were never enough, and whether they ever will be enough. I think this part can only be gotten through one day at a time, and by finding ways to rebuild a loss of confidence.

What you're feeling is normal among the SOs. Yet, just knowing that doesn't take the hurt away. I am a firm believer though that time will eventually heal.
<hugs> little_wife

[Life-lies-trust]

LP you voice what we all want. I totally understand your wanting the happy you back.

HUGS and Chocolate to you.>:D<

[LookingToImprove]

I don't have any great bits of wisdom to share with you, but I wanted to tell you that I can relate to much of what's been said here. I too feel lonely, hurt and inadequate. I have been on this rollercoaster for too long. My wife had multiple emotional affairs during our marriage and this led me to sneak through e-mails and text messages seeking validation of my suspicions. I found what I feared and trust has been destroyed.

I have lots of reasons I could use to blame her for my hurt and the failure of our marriage. To some extent, they are valid. But I too am responsible for my failed marriage. I am here because I am a PA. And that is NOT her fault. The best medicine (no matter what side of the problem you are on) is honesty. Honesty can come and go. It's hard to maintain honesty when there are things about ourselves that we do not like and that we know will hurt others.

The hardest lesson for me to learn from this is that we are all 100% responsible for our own behavior and choices. We can't control or "love" someone to change their behavior and we can't justify our own bad choices by pointing out how someone else put us in a rough spot.

I don't know if this makes sense to any of you. It's still a little vague in my own mind. I guess it boils down to each of us being responsible for our own choices. Whether you're a SA or a PA, the emotions involved can be overwhelming. There's so much hurt that encourages people on both sides of the problem to point the finger at another. But when we look back at all of this, we will see that the only thing we could control is how we responded to the situation. Wishing everyone best of luck and honest answers to the questions you ask. :)

[LearningPatience]

Well, we ended up talking again this weekend. I was feeling like wasted goods. What started it off was a friend and I went shopping Saturday. She is unaware of my situation and was speaking of if her H ever cheated. Her comment was, "That would definitely be a deal breaker because I don't ever want to feel like somebody's second's". Those words put exactly into me what I had been/and am feeling. I am always calm when I talk to H. It doesn't do any good to get upset and yell as I am only affecting myself when I do that. I checked his logs from Saturday night and found that he was looking at a lot of female photos on Facebook. I tend to feel that he is using facebook as a "replacement" for P. He was wandering where I got this information from. I told him the logs from cybersitter showed me. He was very upset saying he didn't know that it was active. We both discussed this when cybersitter was downloaded and he was very much aware. I'm guessing he thought I wasn't checking since I hadn't commented on anything. (I just don't feel the need to constantly talk to him about what I'm feeling everyday as it's only a reminder to him of what he did. I choose to wait until the weekend and just talk for 30 min or so then. That way his sleep isn't being interrupted.) After talking, he stated that he wouldn't be on facebook unless I'm around. I'm not really sure what the result of that was. I did tell him I need him to hug me, tell me he loves and wants me, even if I don't want to hear it or believe it. If that is what is truly in his heart, then it will show eventually. I have hope, but continue to wander if I'm somehow being duped. That little bit of hope is enough for me....for now. #:-s

[wifeofchewy]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, as I think most SO's can. I too think my H uses Myspace/FB as a way of looking at women but not looking at P. Honestly, I haven't even talked to him about this yet. I feel like there are bigger fish to fry with us right now anyway. I'm in a pretty poopy phase right now, so I don't have any words of wisdom really. Maybe when I'm having a good day I can be more positive for you. lol Hugs.

[LearningPatience]

So I went to counseling since I am so bitter. It's only been 3 weeks since this all came out and I feel like it's been 6 months at the very least. I asked H why he doesn't check out any programs. I saw that he was looking at one. He stated it costs money. I don't think this is something he will be able to beat by himself. I sent him the link to this site and told him. H acknowledged that I told him, but won't look at it saying "I don't even go into that email". Well if I'm telling you I sent you something, maybe you should.....I realized at counseling that if he's not willing to get help, then I'm not willing to stay. The only problem is, I'm not sure I can say it to him......There's so much more to life than to be stuck with someone who loves you, but can make you feel so bad because of their problem. My kids deserve more and so do I... We'll see what happens:-<

[Life-lies-trust]

LearningPatience,
Call his bluff the SA meetings do not require that the members pay a fee. They take donations if the member can or want.

[LearningPatience]

So last Friday H had a meeting. I checked his facebook account and he told someone that he was going to some bar after the meeting. He told me he was going to the basement of where the meeting was and then would be home. I picked a time when I knew he'd be at the bar and he was there. He wasn't there with anyone, but it's the fact he knew he was going and didn't at least say he was going there or may go there. We had another serious talk that night & he states he can kick this himself. that was after I told him he needed help with this. He was very emotional and adamant about doing this on his own. He said he knows I'm tracking him & will learn to be alright with it. I believe in him, but I don't trust this addiction. I've been watching his activity and some things seem a little suspect, but I'm going to wait for something more concrete. I did see where it seems he may have found where to turn a certain option off on the one monitoring program, but I don't see this on any others.

I am learning that patience is a virtue I fail at everyday, but the next day is always new and another chance to try again. I really like this community and am glad for the support.

Thank You :)

[LearningPatience]

It's been quite a while since my last post. I believe that he is sincerely trying. H seems to think he should have all this trust back since he's trying so hard. I can't seem to get him to understand that I trust him, but I don't trust the addiction. He hasn't made any great fuss over the programs I've installed on the pc's. My only problem now is that I find I get very downtrodden when he says I'm the only one for him. I don't know I that I will ever fully believe him, but I do really want to try. I do love him, but my gut tells me to keep watching out. That could be the result of him lying for so many years, but only time will tell. I do love him and am determined to make this work. Now I just have to get the weight off that I gained during all of this. In any case, I'm learning to be happy and it only took 1 1/2 months to start feeling this way. I know I'll have down days, but I'll try to stay focused on what "WE" have. :)

[LearningPatience]

This is the reason I did NOT want to go out of town for the day! As soon as I'm out the door, he is busy setting himself up to fail and doesn't realize it. He says it was just 1 time.....What about the next time??? Do I say no internet unless I'm here since you can't be trusted??? Then when I ask him a question (in no certain time and am trying to help him) he has the nerve to get mad!! I was 2 hours away and instead of trying to txt me to let me know he's having a hard time, he chooses to do the other. It doesn't sound like you tried very hard to me!! I guess I'm gonna have to lay down some rules!! If it's that easy to go back once, it's that easy to go back twice! ~X(