Helpmefreud's journal

[dave42]

Helpmefreud:

We are all cheering you on. I know what you mean about not wanting to drag your gf into overcoming the addiction. I felt the same way about it with my partner (he also didn't mind if I looked at p, as long as I didn't pay for it). I can tell you this: telling my partner was tough, tough, tough--like you said, it's hard to figure out when and how to bring it up. So, then the good news: my partner knows that I have this addiction. And he is really supportive. Not as supportive as I'd like, but he is trying (He still makes jokes, which I just smile at and try to ignore. Nobody's perfect!) But it's great to have a supportive partner. I started going to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings about 6 weeks ago, and he has been very supportive of that, too.


Medium: I completely agree with you on this: "if you have feelings of attraction towards men then please don't use this as an excuse to hide your battle with p from your partner. This will only allow you to create a path back to p. A justification for yourself."

Good luck to you! We are all hoping that things go well. Well means, in our cases, that we realize that we have a very serious addiction and that we cannot manage it. That's a tough, tough thing to contemplate, but lately (because I'm in this SAA program that focuses on 12 steps) I've thought A LOT about how my life has been unmanageable with p, escorts, strip clubs, craigslist, phone sex (not lately), chat rooms, and just totally checking out every guy I see. I've made a lot of progress (3 weeks of sobriety!!), but part of that is realizing that my addiction is unmanageable. I can't manage it. It's too big, too strong, too powerrful. I am powerless against it. I guess that's a paradox: admitting the powerlessness is part of recovery.

[helpmefreud]

Broke down today, but I had a decent two day stretch, with much of that time sitting in front of the computer all alone.

Okay, so a few things.

1) When I have the urge to sit down and MB to P, my problem is not so much that I can't control my actions per se, but that I forget why care to stop. I'm there, and I think, what's the big deal? Nobody in my life really has any good idea of how often I watch P.

2) I engage in two online bahaviors. I've watched regular vanilla P for as long as I can remember. Recently, however, I've gotten to browsing local craigslist ads. This bothers me, because its too close to real life, and I don't want to be one of those people. That said, I've never responded to the ads, but I don't want to even be there. I've felt accomplished when I've gone for the old P instead of browsing CL. It feels like progress... is it?

3) I've never met people for sex, I don't watch P everyday, it hardly takes up more than a few minutes of any given day, I've never paid a cent for any P service, and I'm pretty successful in my life pursuits. Am I overreacting my being here?

[helpmefreud]

Also, so long as you're not doing it multiple times a day, what is so wrong with MB? I see all sorts of problems with P, but MB seems like a perfectly natural thing to do as long as it isn't consuming your life.

[Medium]

I never even tried giving up mb when i was single so I have no authority on this subject but mb is a solitary habit born out of frustration. You could say that it is just fantasization but I think that's a rather over-generous way of describing thoughts with a fairly specific range of possibilities. It relieves stress but the problem that we have to solve here is how to stop the stress from building in the first place

[artguy34]

Also, so long as you're not doing it multiple times a day, what is so wrong with MB? I see all sorts of problems with P, but MB seems like a perfectly natural thing to do as long as it isn't consuming your life.

A good thought here...

The problem lies within your statement. I too beleive that MB is perfectly fine... (in moderation) But when the MB consumes your life and you use it as a crutch to suppress all other feelings, then this becomes a major issue. For many, chronic MB use leads to PA and other various social issues.

For some of us... giving up MB along with PA kills the root of the problem. Stress can be a big factor for a PA and a huge trigger, but eliminating stress is nearly impossible. How we change the way we deal with stress can help us cope and change our necessity for MB.

It all depends on the person.

[Benedict]

I also think MB is completely fine per se, even MB with a bit of visual stimuli. For me, it is the obsessive and lengthy hunting of images, or channel surfing looking for that next buzz, that is the problem. That, and the compulsive trancelike behaviour that develops. My focus has been to eliminate this trancelike compulsive behaviour, not MB per se. Eliminating looking at porn has seemed necessary, as it inevitably triggers a descent into the compulsive behaviour. And too much MB may be acting in exactly the same way.

So I am aiming to eliminate use of P, and to reduce frequency of MB and to use MB more appropriately rather than as a self-medication against feeling bad.

HMF, with all respect, are you sure that you only look at P for a few minutes a day? If so, you are at early stage (or somewat immune to additction( rather than in denial

[helpmefreud]

Appreciate all the thoughtful responses!

Four days clean again! Back on a good streak here. Also, talked to the gf about the issue! I didn't use the word "addiction," but I did tell her that P has been a large part of my life since a fairly young age and that I wanted to watch less often. She didn't seem terribly concerned, but she said that she'd definitely help me in my quest to stop watching P and was very understanding and supportive. As we're moving in together next month (which I'm very excited about!), I said that I'd like to have my desk/computer in a more public area of the apartment, which she thought would be a good idea. :)

[Daniel]

...she said that she'd definitely help me in my quest to stop watching P and was very understanding and supportive.

helpmefreud,

Having your GF on board is a great break-through moment in your quest for freedom.

As I've said before, secrecy is P's 'strong arm', thus you smash it when you tell others.

Daniel

[helpmefreud]

Still in the driver's seat! Aiming for a clean week. :D

[helpmefreud]

Hello all,

So I'm here again. Wow, its been a very, very long time since I posted--almost two years.

I've had some ups and downs with P over the past two years, but I've decided to redouble my efforts and fight for sobriety once again. I got involved with a therapist for a few months, although that mostly turned out to be an adventure in narcissistic introspection that failed to meaningfully address my compulsive behavior. I also got involved with a twelve step group, which I found to be a lot more helpful, although most of the people in the group were dealing with compulsive sexual behaviors that went beyond P, so I felt out of place sometimes. I think I should start going back to those meetings.

So, I don't know what to say at the moment. I think its important that I start writing here again, and getting my head back in the game.